Daily scribbles and drools... Day 74

Somewhere in your silent night

Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried
Hope is here,
Just lift your head
For love has come to find you
Somewhere in your silent night

#MerryChristmas

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 73

As the years go by, being alone feels even lonelier.

Practicing love and gratitude gets harder while vulnerabilities and imperfections get more pronounced.

And yet, the magic is in the mess.

Happy holidays ✝️

Maiden mother...

Took Chelson to say goodbye to nana. Dad, uncle Colin and me... Spent time praying together, trying to light the candles with an uncooperative wind, and singing her favourite hymns -- "What a friend we have in Jesus" and "Maie Mujhe"

Maiden mother always chokes us.. she had this beautiful way of singing it which brought you to your knees because her heart was pure and filled with love for our Heavenly Mother every single time she sang it.

My heart's missing a couple of beats every day since she passed away. But it's also slowly beginning to take into account the preparation I'd done to remember that she lived a glorious life and she was always surrounded by those who loved her the most. But if I could turn back the clock, I'd gladly give up my life for hers. She filled our existence with her being. For that I will always be grateful.

From Sole to Soul

It's been three days since your funeral and we're still trying to find our way out through this huge void you've left us in. Your spirit is ever present, your memories even more so.

We constantly are breaking out into a: Nana use to do... Or, Nana always would...

It's brought us aunts, uncles, cousins, closer. Nana is to thank for that. Everyone who's offered condolence has such beautiful memories of her.

In her own simple and small way she touched those she met. She imprinted us all with her humour, her love for hymns, her temper, her funnies without meaning to be funny.

Papa said the other day, that grandpa would have shouted at her up in heaven, saying it took you 42 years to come to me! 42 years... She was alone but not really alone, I'd contest. He left her in brilliant hands. And we hope he agrees.

As we all reminise about our special moments with nana, Lord, in all that isigood and Holy, give us the strength and courage to tide through these rough waters.

Always. Amen.

"Have you eaten, pinchu?"

This simple question has always had a profound impact in my life. Because every time I heard my nana ask me this as I served her a meal, I'd have a lump in my throat. To have someone who was gradually sinking into dementia for over a decade, - ask her grandchild every single time, if she'd eaten first, there's a lot of learning and love in those three words, if you ponder over them.

What made nana so special and wonderful? For me it was her elegance. She always looked the picture of health and grace. But then she also threw these brilliant punches when you least expected one.

For example, when Chelson came down from Canada, he had dreadlocks back then and if she was in a bad mood she'd shout: Lucifer begone! at him, if he came too close. I was called Tramp because I used to wear bum shorts. It was hilarious!

During our growing up years she instilled in us virtues of kindness, humbleness, simplicity... but more than anything, to be good human beings. She also tried teaching me knitting, sewing, how to be lady like. She finally gave up.

My favourite time with her was when I'd give her a pedicure and manicure - she'd be sitting and reading the paper and I'd have Jim Reeves' Bimbo play in the background and she'd be humming along. I dunno if you've ever had the privilege to hear her sing -- she loved music and loved to lift people with her voice.

The three people she recognised in a heartbeat were Amitabh Bachchan, Jim Reeves and Pope John Paul II. In fact if you showed her a photograph of the Pope, she'd always say: Arre, he's my cousin from Mangalore!

The story of my nana wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention her culinary skills. She was a bomb of a cook and you couldn't beat her chicken curry, fish curry, scotch eggs, parathas or her baking.

As a child I remember she was always up and about at 6am, forcing chelson and me to say our prayers at that unGodly hour, have breakfast and we'd have to really impress upon her to let us snooze a little more. And 6pm she wanted chelson and me to be back inside, come what may. It really felt criminal, almost like jail when we'd be looking out of the grill of her 3rd floor home and there's kids screaming and we both were inside.

I truly believe that if you're blessed to have a grandparent mold your foundation... your very core will be on track for life. For 33 years, my grandmother has shaped me, my decisions, my choices and not once have I ever regretted even one of them.

Nana brought chelson and me up in the faith, but more importantly, she brought us up to be true to ourselves. To never compromise. To always do the right thing. And that when things didn't go our way -- to leave them in His hands and soldier on.

She wouldn't have made it to 90 without her son, my dad, Ashok. Papa, I cannot tell you how proud I am to call you my father because of what you have done for nana through thick and thin and for the constant sacrifices you have made for the sake of our family -- thank you for being so selfless. All these wonderful people who are here today in solidarity with us, is because of the deep respect and love they have for you and all that you do in Jesus' name.

I also want to offer my gratitude to all those, who, over the years have visited nana, given her communion, have supported us during her time in the hospital and who've kept her and us in their prayers. Merci.

Bibiana Lily Saldanha or Baby as she was fondly known as by her family and friends, was running high on life @ 90. I really expected her to outlive me too! -- her physical strength and resilience were that strong.

It's rare for a grandchild and a grandparent relationship to be so closely knit and long lasting. For me, the singular reason for this was because she was my grandmother, my godmother, my nana, my baby Lily, my nonima, my mummy,... My everything.

She really is, was and will always remain, the apple of my eye.

John Maddox wrote, “We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem “normal”. But THIS, “Emptiness” is how we all feel…all the time.”

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 72

Well. after my first post from Kerala... takes me a month to get writing here again. Hahaha.

I had a very very relaxing, refreshing , rejuvenating vacation and I didn't wanna be bothered with the phone and typing anything. I just wanted the sand tickling my toes, the sun burning me crisp and the waves washing me under.

And that's exactly what I did along with meeting some genuinely interesting and fun folks - local and foreign. Goes to show that you can have a good time alone, as long as you get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there.

The food was interesting only if you got out of the beach areas and headed to local joints -- that's where the flavours are TBH, the rest really is so commercialised catering specifically to foreigners, that you know you're gonna be upset that you didn't have kerala spices in your cuisine!

I did Munnar and went to see the Neelakurinji bloom - it took a lot of driving and getting shoved around in the jeep but was the view worth it - if it hadn't gotten misty, I'd have said yes, I'm certain. Unfortunately it did get heavily misty, drizzled and I didn't see much of the bloom so yes, disappointing. Nevertheless, good experience and made a new friend.

Highlights of the trip -- the biggest being I did not have to open my laptop even once which made me pinch myself for carrying it. Attended a few conference calls but the champs in my team got on without me without any blip and I'm so proud to see how far they've come on their own and also how easy it will be to replace me now that I am getting to dinosaur stage in this organisation. Nevertheless, proud moment.

Another important high was reading 5 books in 15 days - that's a major +++ Also realised I have to get into reading with vigour soon.

The people who made this holiday brighter are also people who've kept in touch and that's what really matters. Taking these relationships back home with you and forging new memories at all times.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 71

Day 1: Kerala - Thiruvanathpuram

Lazy day. Silent day. Lost day. Woke up like a queen. Went to Pink Aubergine and left for the airport, reached early, checked in and sat.

I think something is wrong with my right hand. I should go and get it checked because it could be some nerve damage. I can feel it, although, I wish I couldn't.

The flight was delayed by an hour. Taking off from Bombay in the blazing sun and leaving behind a shoreline so cluttered and chaotic... Was, in some way calming.

The view when entering Kerala though. Majestic. The coastline was beautiful... If only I could hop onto a parachute and hop off. Then again, motion sickness and fear of heights will always still get me numb.

Things moved real fast after I deplaned. Trolley came out quick, no drama booking an Uber, reached Villa Maya and ordered in. Wasn't impressed with what I had. Not one bit. The people and the ambiance, the vibe... Lovely... But the meal and dessert I ordered, pshht. I gave them that feedback and got asked in person but I said I didn't enjoy it. And also I wouldn't recommend it. Lol. Sorry about that.

They were still courteous and kind to get me an auto to take me to Safire Residency. Budget at it's best but hot and suffocating... Limited ventilation. Got the ground floor room, courtesy the knee. Got me a beer, a Kerala parantha and remnants of my late evening sear fish and now gonna call it a night.

Silent first day. Wouldn't have it any other way. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 70

Insta

Haven't posted in a long long time... To be honest, it just slipped my mind and in the off chance that I remembered, I'd choose to forget.

So the remainder of the posts are up on Instagram if anyone is so inclined as to read them.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 69

So there's this boy...
Same old story.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 68

Day 10: This time. Last year.

The trip to London was to be someone who makes myself happy. To be more honest with myself. To be more open to making mistakes. To be accepting of learnings even if most times they are brutal in their lesson. It's officially the first time I've blown so much money on a trip and that too I was super tight on the wallet. But every cent spent was worth it.
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It's not been easy travelling alone but you get to know the real you. I'm not travelling to find myself or find some hidden meaning. I'm travelling to understand, the world, people, cultures, have experiences engraved so deep within that it is exhilarating to plan the next one...
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I'm waiting for the day when I board the plane with my one-way ticket and no one knows where I've gone.
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#Bournemouth #Quote #BoscombePier #OceanLover #Whisky #SkinnyDip #HoneycombeBeach #Travel #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #Travelogue #Backpacker #BackpackerLife #BackpackingLife #WanderingNomad #Wanderlust #Frozen #SoloTraveller #SurfsUp #BikiniBabe #TheEnglishChannel #Blighty #Serendipty #ShotOnOnePlus5 #London #Bombay2London #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 67

Day 9: This time. Last year.

I couldn't figure out which place I loved more - Durdle Door or Lulworth Cove -- both have their own uniqueness and yet you can sit looking into the horizon for a very very long time. I loved the hike to Lulworth Cove and the time I spent on Durdle Door's beach. Plus I had Italian company so it was Uber fun.
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The rain behaved, which meant we got to explore so much throughout the Jurassic Coast tour. I actually saw people taking part in water sports which seemed insane going in so deep into the ocean. Even someone sailing --- envy them. I have motion sickness. Lol.
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#LulworthCove #DiscoverDorsett #Dorsett #Shoreline #Foam #JurassicCoast #Travel #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #InstaTravel #BackpackerLife #Backpacking #Backpacker #Wanderlust #WanderingNomad #Wildcraft #Pink #Beachy #Happiness #Pebbles #BeachLife #TrueBlue #OceanLover #Aquarian #Blighty #Bombay2London #ShotOnOnePlus5 #England #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 66

Day 8: This time. Last year.

Salisbury, Stonehenge and Old Sarum. Salisbury Cathedral - beautiful inside and out, with it's rich history and known more famously for housing one of the four original copies of the Magna Carta. The chapter house in which it's housed is real interesting. It has these statues above the entrance which talk about different sins and they've got small scenes and stories from the Bible. From the tallest church spire to the oldest working clock which was really impressive to flags from different regiments to some really interesting niches and I actually read of some of them dying heroically in battles in India. The thing about these tours is that people behave well and don't go out of their way to disturb the sanctity of the space. .
By the time I reached Old Sarum, it began pouring and while I had an umbrella it did get cold. I saw a lady with no umbrella so I invited her to share mine and we both got quite soaked. Waited for an hour for the hop on bus to take me back to Salisbury and from there to Bournemouth. Even the ride in the double decker bus and seeing all that wonderful green and yellow, sheep after sheep, bales of hay... Such a content feeling.
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Returned and told Imran that I'd make him some home made food. This was after he took me walking around Boscome pier and I still was jumping with energy. To be honest, I was craving Indian food so we had Egg Curry and potato bhajji and it turned out pretty well.
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#MagnaCarta #SalisburyCathedral #Church #Medieval #Anglican #Cathedral #Gothic #English #GothicStyle #Nave #Structure #Architecture #ArchitectureLover #ArchitecturePhotography #Perspective #Ceiling #Design #CeilingDesign #CornerStone #Cathedral #Structures #Heritage #HistoricMoment #BlueSkies #PerfectDay #Bombay2London #Salisbury #ShotOnOnePlus5 #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 65

Day 7: This time. Last year.

You can honestly finish seeing Bath in six hours which includes the obvious -- Roman Baths, do not spend a single cent over the Jane Austin tour (absolute rubbish!), Pulteney Bridge, Royal Crescent BUT this includes a hard stop at a quaint tea house called, Sally Lunn's House where you will have the most finger licking, melt in your mouth moment, salivating... Man just picturing it is giving me an *ahem*... So, I had this gold medal winning premium Scottish smoked salmon direct from the smoker, lemon, dill and cream cheese.
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Sally Lunn is famous for her buns -- no intended puns. No, really. This is why I love researching so much before a trip because when you know the background you're a bit more ready to appreciate the reality of where you are and what you're experiencing. The loveliest thing about Bath is everything can be accessed by foot with everyone offering you this cheerful grin that you just can't help return.
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#SallyLunn #Bun #Salmon #CreamCheese #Bread #TheLastSupper #MeltInYourMouth #Lunch #MouthWatering #Brit #English #TeaHouse #Cuisine #FoodPhotography #Delicious #Heaven #Travel #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #InstaTravel #Travelogue #BackpackerLife #Backpacking #Backpacker #WanderLust #WanderingNomad #Bombay2London #Bath #ShotOnOnePlus5 #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 64

Day 6: This time. Last year.

Anyone seen this Hallmark TV original over a decade or two back called - The magical Legend of the Leprechauns? The setting is exactly that, except this ain't Ireland but the Cotswolds. It's a magical land in itself and you feel like you've stepped back in time while you take in the unspoilt Cotswold villages and picturesque English countryside.
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I took a day tour from Bath with Mad Max tours and visited Castle Comb, Bibury and Arlington Row, Bourton on the Water, Stow on the Wold... Yeah, I had to Google them while on tour because I couldn't understand what he meant by "Button on the Potter" and "Stole on the World"... If you like looking at houses you'll never be able to afford, then this tour is a must!
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#Cotswolds #Bibury #Gloucestershire #DiscoverGloucestershire #DiscoverGlos #Property #HomesForSale #Homes #Countryside #Naturegram #Landscape #PrivateProperty #Travel #Nature #PerfectDay #HappyFeet #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #InstaTravel #Travelogue #BackpackerLife #Backpacking #Backpacker #WanderLust #WanderingNomad #Bombay2London #London #ShotOnOnePlus5 #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 63

Day 5: This time. Last year.

Contrary to general assumptions, I wasn't named after Chelsea Football club but a character from a play titled 'On Golden Pond' which was later adopted into a film. I have yet to watch the film or read the play. I bought the DVD, now all that's left is to push play.
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What I genuinely enjoyed about the tour was the friendliness throughout, the mixed group of tourists from all around the world, children so knee deep in the club's history, visiting the locker room, touching Morata's jersey (lol) looking at the trophies, checking out the prototype of the new stadium that's to be built, walking around the stands, touching the Chelsea logo like the players do just before they head out to the stadium, sooooo much history!!!
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First Arsenal, then Chelsea. I've officially been to two stadiums more than @wanderingnomad911 and he is a self proclaimed football fan in the fam. Nevertheless, I'm two up on you, broda.
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#Chelsea #ChelseaFans #Blue #PremierLeague #Champions #EnglishFootball #TheBlues #ShedEnd #Celery  #ChelseaVillage #Carefree #WeAllFollowTheChelsea  #Stadium #StriveToWinAndShunDefeat #TrueBlue #CFC #ChelseaFC #IndianIndependenceGoneWrong #Legends #ChampionsLeague #SimplyTheBest #Travel #London #StamfordBridge #PerfectDay #Bombay2London #London #ShotOnOnePlusFive #NoFilter #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 62

Day 3: This time. Last year.

Whenever I put on the Brit hat, one of my favourite repertoire is: Would you like some tea? With some scones?
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Who'd have thunk I'd actually get to sit in on one and experience a full fledged Sunday afternoon English high tea @deanstreettownhouse ! A scrumptious helping of fruit scones with homemade preserves, cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches, selection of some very fine traditional British cakes, and tea of our choosing. As always, I couldn't finish even quarter of what I planned on having and I planned on having everything considering I skipped lunch to make place for afternoon tea. My stomach is a disappointment to me own self, tyvm. You ever had a perfect summer sunshine kinda day? This was mine. Please take me back!
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And without too much ado, my wonderful friends and hosts who made me feel like one of their own @dewiwanders and @mas_sam - thank you so much for showing me such an awesomesauce time!
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#Throwback #EnglishTea #SundayAfternoon #WeekendVibes #HighTea #Teapot #Cutlery #FineChina #Pattern #Scones #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #Travelogue #InstaTravel #Backpack #Backpacking #BackpackerLife #Backpacker #WanderingNomad #Wanderlust #HappyInTheHead #YoungWildFree #Blighty #Bombay2London #ShotOnOnePlus5 #London #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 61

Day 2: This time. Last year.

I dunno how and I don't care how, I will move to London someday, somehow. This is the dream. From the moment I stepped off the plane and walked through Heathrow and took the tube, and saw people running and exercising and saw the parks, I felt at home --- ya feeling me? I guess I'd clean forgotten how beautiful a life one can aspire to have, especially when you're so used to the shit that we consider bearable in India. I don't want to live a life of compromises anymore. I don't want to live a life governed by hatred, bigotry, casteism, crumbling infrastructure, insecurity, general apathy... I don't think any of us should. I know, I know, you're gonna say the UK has it's own shit it's dealing with (aka Brexit and the fallout that's at its doorstep) and that the grass is always fancier across the border; I'll take that grass any day. I'm trying in so many ways to get a foot through your door but no such luck.
Come on, UK... Make me a damn offer I JUST CAN'T REFUSE!
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#Throwback #UK #UnitedKingdom#GreatBritain #LondonEye #TheShard #StPaulsCathedral #ViewFromTheTop #CloudPorn #CityLife #CityOfStars #LondonLife #LondonLifeStyle #TravelPhotography #TravelDiaries #Travelogue #InstaTravel #Backpack #Backpacking #BackpackerLife #Backpacker #WanderingNomad #WanderLust #HappyInTheHead #YoungWildFree #Blighty #London #Bombay2London #ShotOnOnePlus5 #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 60

Day 1: This time. Last year.

Imagine getting to see -  Ozil, Cech, Giroud, Wenger, in the flesh.... Just a couple of feet from where you're jumping down like a babbity rabbit, trying to get your laminated sign board picked up by the camera crew, all this while you're shouting yourself hoarse, singing along to tunes you were picking up on the spot, every Leicester goal - a thorn in your side, every Arsenal goal scored - another reason to shout a war cry, sharing seats with a wonderful British family who were welcoming, kind and kept feeding me, learning some fabulous tunes all re-tuned to the credit of the stars on the grass, hearing some insane profanity and hilarious advice given out by Brit fans, watching how intense everything and everyone can be about a bunch of guys running after a ball... .
One of the best experiences I've ever lived through and something I never thought I'd experience - ever.
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#Throwback #COYG #ARSLEI #EnglishPremierLeague #BucketList #PremierLeague #Travel #TravelPhotography #InstaTravel #Stadium #Red #Happiness #Football #Arsenal #EPL #FootballClub #FootballGame #Emirates #Stadium #ArsenalFootballClub #EmiratesStadium #TravelDiaries #BackpackerLife #Backpacking #Backpacker #Happiness #Wanderlust #WanderingNomad #Bombay2London #NoFilter #ShotOnOnePlus5 #FrostWasHere ❄️

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 59

"You know my name. Not my story."

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Nine years and countless tattoos later... He's where he belongs and deservedly so.
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Against every tide, every horror, every backbreaking work-school day and night, against time, against all odds...You made it! Getting emotional just thinking about the first time I picked you up at Pearson airport and took you to that shitty room. Lol -- not my finest hour.
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We'll always ALWAYS be grateful to auntie @lorrainefernz and her family and Chrysler's family for being there for you in every possible way and helping you achieve your dream of getting you to a life that legends aspire to. We couldn't be there with you when history was being made but we were with you every step of the way ALWAYS in the small but best way we could... In spirit and through our prayers. And I hope you always remember that.
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You're not just a Canadian today, chidiya... You're an I CAN-INDIAN!
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All of us back home cannot be more proud of you.
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#HeMadeIt #SonOfAGun #Aspire #Aspiration #Dreams #Determination #GratefulHeart #Family #Aspiration #StudentToCitizen #Achievement #Legend #CanIndian #Faith #Proud #Saldanha #ProudSibling #IndianToCanadian #India2Canada #Canadian #DreamsDoComeTrue

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 58

5

Months until we call it a night on 2018.

Gulp - like a huge lump of phlegm filled choked right back up there that vomit and gulp.

I was hoping this year I would have a worthy story for keeps. I've made certain that except for one moment of hope which turned to ashes in a heart beat, I've had no casualties.

When returning from Sri Lanka, that long ride from A-BAY to the airport saw me convinced that destiny would be a solo ride. It was comforting in that moment of reflection because I didn't want anyone to hurt me.

So the guard is up. The shoulder pads, the Chastity belt, all are in place. We continue in our quest to search for the one, but whether they exist or not, is irrelevant because in the grander scheme of things -- I want to go out with that piece of mind, knowing, I've lived a life in full!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 57

Quote of the Day

"When speaking emotionally, absolutes can be dangerous"

~Mr. Healy from Orange is the New Black

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 56

You humble me


It's been a very tiring Sunday - my monthly gift is due/delayed and looking after nana. Really opens by eyes to know how much care elderly folk really require. They are babies who need constant attention. This mother of mine is happy in her own world but she loves singing and chatting when she is in the mood. She's my lifeline --- no regrets to the decision I took nine years ago.

To all those who provide elderly care - I really appreciate everything that you do and I'm praying for all of you and my rock-star dad -- people who sacrifice everything to care for the aged or their own --- you folks teach people like me what it means to really be humble.

And I will always be grateful and I hope to carry on the lessons I've learnt, am learning and will continue to learn -- to be a better human being.

Christ asks us to be one with His community - your communion with Him must begin from your own four walls. Amen.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 55

Calum

Your song is ruining me. Or may be it's your voice. Or may be it's the acting inithe video. Or nmay be it's the blue hue of the song .

I'm the corner watching you kiss her... I'm not the girl you're taking home. I keep dancing on my own.

You're life performance is ditto replica of your voice in your video. Having talent like that and taking it to the next level. Just amazed! Keep tearing my heart man!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 54

6...

Years old @ PwC

I honestly didn't think I'd be staying on. Toxicity comes in all shapes and sizes and so does the political poison and verbiage. Somewhere, you need to keep your self-respect in place.

It's not been easy, the last few months. But if I look at it the other way, I know how tough I can be today and also how disconnected I can get if my heart is not in something I'm undertaking.

After yesterday's conversation, I got home and thought of 2015 and how I prayed and prayed and prayed. I'm praying still but this blessing I will accept, even though I don't think I was consciously praying for it.

I've said it twice today but here it goes again -- everything happens for a reason and I hope my reason for being reminds me that I'm enough for myself.

Amen and thank you, JC. For every blessing and live sent my way... With every beat of my heart.

#Always

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 53

Mahab

One thing I've learned, I'm not gonna take my body for granted like I am doing right now. It's 33 not 20 and it hurts and I gotta listen to it more by exercising even harder if I wanna stay fit and fine. 

Mahaballipuram surprised me. In a good way --- felt a tiny bit like Arugam Bay. The people were really hospitable, warm and catered to all my whims, fancies and queries. I was quite drowsy even though I caught a couple of winks at the airport. I did the right thing by going by aapre paid cab for INR 1500. I snoozed in the car and my driver did not hera pheri and looked after me well and even went out of his way to help me find my hotel. 

The owner of Little Island, Rajendra aka Raja was extremely kind and well connected. Since his hotel was booked, and I came at an unGodly hour, he got me a room for a few hours to sleep, next to his place till I'd get my room. He finally ended up giving me a room which costed slightly more than what I had signed up for but he didn't murmur about it. 

A heavy breakfast and a late tea were had at Joe's cafe. Quite nice tbh. Quaint, small seating and decent meal. To die for was this homemade banana jam which I was hoping they sold but no luck. 

The most idiotic thing I did was walk to see the Pancha Rathas. It said 25 mins, I thought I'd be able to manage in the heat. Ghanta. I dunno how many times I died and how many times I was reborn. Lol. What a disaster. I didn't even go bothering about trying to find the write up about the place. Just took one overall round and sat under a tree. Just googled it and read it to myself. I saw the lighthouse from afar and I was like yeah fuggg it. And this wasn't even summer!

By the way rickshaw/auto fares start from INR 50 for a journey less than 500m! I had no energy and more than anything, it was a lost cause since they're all in this racket together. P.s. I reached the hotel again and slept for an hour and a half, I was drained but luckily hydrated so it wasn't too bad. Raja thought I was an idiot. I agree.

Mumu's surf school, was a different kind of friendly vibe. More serious but I'm glad I went to them as it is always a good experience learning something new. Rahul was my instructor and the bugger would walk so fast, I kept having fatigue breakdowns. My surfing class, other than the initial two waves I caught turned out to be a disaster. He was trying to get me up in a smoother way, focus on my knees bending slightly, face forward, hands balanced out, body almost upright, pushing the chest up with the palms... I just couldn't get my brain and body to be in sync. Moreover the waves were no help. But that's the best way to learn, under tough conditions. Sri Lanka seems easy peasy, now that I think about it. Lol. Well, not really. I feel like I'm taking a long long time to learn the basics. I have zero flexibility and have yet to get my hand at paddling better.

So many small small things to learn. I tried a couple of new things today, like holding the stringer/tail to make the board go up over a wave, lifting the leash over the regular waves that I could manage, going underwater while holding the tail. So much to learn. I will get better. I'm determined about getting better as surfing. I hired the board for an extra hour so I could practice on my own. It was a decent effort, I barely stood up but I tried paddling and looking at the waves and I know I have so much more to do. Wish me juju!

Went for a walk to the tip of the beach at dusk and surprisingly didn't find those beautiful green shells today. 

Went to the room, showered and chilled with a well deserved bottle of beer. It really was such a nice cozy room. Thoughts of wanting to have my own space constantly hound me. Decided to take the bus to Guindy with the help of Raja who was kind enough to offer to drop me by bike to the bus stop and wait for the bus to show up because there was a blackout of streetlights for some reason. Thanked him profusely before boarding and then spent a lovely one hour plus on a comfortable bus journey. The conductor was once again helpful and told me where to take the next bus from. I decided to grab a plate of piping idli sambar and watermelon juice and then, as always, got lost trying to find the bus stop to take me to the airport that I Ubered myself outta there. Please note it was hot and I was starting to melt.

I'm already starting to ache and I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna be a very challenging ball game -- lack of sleep, bad posture at the airport trying to snooze and my achy breaky back. All in all, if I had to do one thing differently, it would be to stay in a place for two days minimum and no airport sleepovers ever again. Getting too old for this shit. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 52

NiKuch

Seeing someone you know make a fool of themselves and so thoroughly... that's what comes from being a sly snake. Well, we all fall the hard fall. Lol.

Opens up a whole can of worms which truth be told, I actually don't give a rats ass about. Lol. My gawdddd what was I effin even thinking back in the day... Lame ass loser with their chutiya garbage life.

Anyway, we all dig our own graves, with or without the shovel. How many of us resurrect ourselves, 3 days, 3 months, 3 years... It's all on you, man. 

I'm not saving anyone from this shit. But I can't stop laughing at the chutiyapa that I see today. Why weren't my glasses this clean back in the day, bro!!!

Lolz.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 51

+1?

It doesn't get easier. The loneliness. It doesn't fucking get easier. You numb it or you keep yourself so tied up that you barely can feel it anymore. I'm waiting for a +1 to go on these trips and do crazy shit. It really would be nice. I know who I'd have... i knew, i guess... fuck it. Anyway, chapter closed. Donut going solo... Again.

Happy days? May be... Staying sharp.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 50

Poke-Her

Finally learned how to play Poker. Only took 33 years to get here! Fortunately or unfortunately we didn't play with bread but nevertheless it was still oodles of fun, thanks to the Maggi, the wine, the Andhra fried fish. Perfect end to a great roadtrip.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 49

Bengaluru

Almost three years since I lived in Bangalore. The city never fails to remind me how awesome my time was there. Still the same joys of seeing those small lanes, the greenery, the vibrant attires, the meals and the same sorrows, the number of old people begging, the stilted traffic, the garbage problem, children out of school and forced to work, village people working as labourers in the city.

The weather is something to definitely look forward to, especially if you're coming from this shit hole. This city and Pune are two cities I would consider if I ever had to move. Every city comes with it's own challenges. Always happy to visit Thoms bakery and also pass by my former lane in Shivajinagar.

Life is what you make of it. Trying to make my life better. Little by little. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 48

ITR


Sooooo guess who filed her first income tax returns on her own!!!

Hahahaha I definitely deserve a medal for someone who struggles with anything to do with numerals.

It was pretty easy peasy but I had to be diligent while filling it up and also I didn't have my 80G handy so a bit of time went in those follow ups. But all in all, I think I did a great job. I won't get some insane refund or anything, in fact, I missed claiming a return on one donation but it's okay. I'm not complaining. The exercise itself was truly enlightening.

And the final submit was like me going arrggghhhhhhhh!!! Soooo psyched!

Xoxo

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 47

Sankar


For me, will always be a name synonym with everything that is right in the world. He joined the same year as me and to hear that he is leaving is a very heavy feeling. Aside from Mous, he is the only other person, I believe, I've learned from all these years. Professional aside, he's given me a listening ear, he's given a few others I've sent his way, a chance to tell their story when their voices weren't being heard.

More than anything, he was there for me a year later, when things took a toll on me mentally. He guided me to the right lady who took on my case and was just there, you know what I mean? Without a lot of words, no judgement or "I think you should have"... None of it. Just there. And legally, what my options were.

No tearful goodbyes. Just that he comes to my city. Which is great news. I hope our paths cross again someday.

What a feeling it is to have good people leave an indelible mark on your being!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 46

Le Bleus Deschamps!

I lived again to see France lift the 2018 FIFA World Cup last night IST. Everyone I knew, whether they we're true football fans or muggles trying to blend in were changing: France for the World Cup but the heart is with Croatia.

Truly, the Croats were the underdogs and they had the love of the whole world riding with them for everything that they've been through as a country, as a people and as a team. Someone on Twitter called the Croatian team : Rocky Balboa. And they honestly were.

Haunted. Modric's eyes, when he stood for the photo-op with his Golden Ball. His President wiping his tears while being unable to control her own, when the final whistle blew... Moments.

For a population of plus minus 4 million, well done to Croatia 🇭🇷 for making it to the final !! #Modric for Ballon D ‘OR!

For France... Giroud, you lucky dog for playing in 7 games as striker but hitting gas and winning the World Cup, Kante won hearts... Belgium my babies.. Hazard and Courtois -- Chelsea legends with Thiboult taking home the Golden Glove award.


Arrgghhhh best world cup ever!!!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 45

Head achy


Not as bad as some of my previous experiences of my periods but this one I dunno. Slept over 13 hours and still it's throbbing. Haven't had dinner either. Is it the eye strain? Has my number increased. I did the squint the eyes thing to see if the blurred becomes clearer and I had to go closer this time. I'll go for a check up over the weekend. Bahhhhh last thing I need is to go more blind. Wish it would improve. But at 33 --- I'd need a Jesus' public life miracle or a Hail Mary prayer. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 44

Fingerpicking Verse 1

Really feeling accomplished last evening. And the finger pattern is the only thing in my head constantly. I have to watch the original video to see how can I improve. The challenge, I think, will be to sing and pluck. My brain has historically struggled with that and I'm unsure how to overcome it. I tried singing last evening but found my fingers unsure when they were playing blind if I didn't sing.

Weird isn't it? There's nothing one can't do. It will just take practice so practice is what I shall do. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 43

Fingerpicking!

Took me just 14 years to begin fingerpick!!!!

I'm soooo excited because I really think I may pick it up fast. I picked the first lesson from YouTube and it was so simple. Just as promised, I was fingerpicking slowly within 12 minutes. And it really felt comfortable.

My only concern is trying to sing and fingerpick. I've seen it with More than Words and Stand by Me... I'm unable to sing and play. I'm not too fussed though. It really would be nice to get good at it.

Yayyyy!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 42

Don't close your eyes

Music can break you into smutherines... What a song. And I heard it only because papa was watching the voice - 6th season. Heartbreaking this song is.

Feel like doing a rendition of it on the guitar. Been feeling mellow and light and this song really gets to me.

I think it's country music in general. Even, you had me from hello... Man, I bawl every single time. Hehehe emotional drama queen!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 41

She cycled away

Said goodbye in my head last evening to one of the most heartfelt and kind birthday gifts I've ever received.

Every child must have a cycle when growing up. Must also have spaces to zip around. That's really your first taste of the three Fs - fear, flight, freedom. 

We'd always borrow the neighbours' bikes because papa never wanted us to own one, boils down to a head on collision he'd witnessed between a cycle and another vehicle. Sad to say, we paid for that crime but we paid our dues.

Getting a cycle at 32 is no joke. It's literally tasting those 3 Fs again --- you're just more aware of your surroundings and what you can/cannot do.

I used it about 5 times max, in a year and I'm not proud of saying that. I've been wanting to buy a cycle in forever but I could never commit to the effort it required.

This is me saying goodbye to a beautiful gift. I hated seeing it lying unused and offered it to the gardener in church whose son had been asking for a cycle. 

He'll learn the three Fs now gifted to him by three women - Mous, Ed, C.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 40

It's conversation time!

And I hate having them tough ones. More importantly it is such a fine line in between giving constructive feedback and pissing a closed person off. 

Today's generation thinks they know better. Which is why they go defensive and rarely listen. I'm also one of those. But I've got 33 years of experience behind me. Lol.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 39

Schadenfreude

The sadistic feeling of pleasure when someone else is in affliction. I'm feeling this huge sense of schadenfreude, like I dunno how to describe it. Lol

I love this word - just thought I'd use it a couple of times. I should use it at a personal and professional capacity as well ae?

Schadenfreude --- always have your back, not.

!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 38

Where there's no Will, there's no way

Been watching The Good Wife with lacklustre feelings. Stopping it mid way ever since the courtroom one man massacre, just given up. Then I went and read that Kalinda is also leaving the following season, not to ignore that Kalinda and Alicia have been having zero screen time or conversations for quite awhile now. Absolutely shit. 

I think I'll finish the half episode that's left and drop the show which I've been so enthusiastic about. Will give me time to focus on my reading about surfing. 

P.s. I loved this blue on her. My one and only blue top of this shade is being given away. Crossing the tide in a way...

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 37

Rajodi beach

I went surfing in Bombay, of all places and something, I cross my heart and hope to die, is still unbelievable. Every time my feet touch the sand, whichever part of the world, there's this moment always, before I enter the water, I just take a pause and enjoy the feel of the sand.

This beach was off Virar and I had to take the train then a Tum Tum (this Dum dum kept hearing it being pronounced as Dum Dum) and then Suyash from the Mumbai Surf School - his own venture and I think a first in Mumbai, came and picked me up in his car.

Was a good journey overall.

But the experience in the water was nothing like I've ever experienced. I honestly do not think I've ever been in any water body in Bombay, not voluntarily at least. I quite forgot about the plastic problems and Versova Beach and all. I really had no trepeditions either which was good.

Tried surfing but the waves were just too hard for me. Kept falling off. I wasn't a fan of his Soft Board at all. His Fun Board was too wobly. But the best feeling of the day was I started getting a sense of the waves which were enough for me to paddle out. That was a lovely experience and if like to try that some more.

He told me to read and watch videos. It would help me improve my surfing techniques. My body is aching for the last two days but the pain is beyond worth it!

I'm determined to achieve one surf class a month. No matter what!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 36

Mondays

Pure play denial. I can't understand why every Monday follows a pattern of exhaustion. Why!!!! Not like I rest enough on the weekend..  which come to think of it is something I really should be doing. What say? Sundays must go to bed early but it just doesn't happen. And then Mondays is just one big exhaust fest.

Wonder when I'm gonna change this pattern of stupidity.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 35

“For us, pressure feels great.”

Thomas Müller, quoted before their jaw dropping, dizzying tizzying game against the Swedes. The stadium seemed overwhelmingly canary yellow last evening with the Germans facing a possible humiliating first round exit in the 2018 World Cup.

I couldn't breathe for quite a bit of the beautiful game last evening. The first half had me in shatters - Khedira and my beloved Ozil benched... I will admit they were playing harder than their 0-1 loss to Mexico but again being down a goal in the first half had me shaking.

The second half was sombre. You could feel the change in the wind, the ball was pretty much dribbling in between the legs of all players largely on the Swedish side so I'll give Germans points for playing a fabulous attack game in the second half and also acknowledge the superb defence of the Yellow. They really held on well until the very end. The 95th minute though - pure GOLD.

That has to be declared the goal of the World Cup. Reus' fabulous assist a few away from the corner, the better angle given for Kroos to get the ball in... Whataaaaaa GOOAALLLL!!!!

Müller, it turned out, had been correct all along. The pressure really did feel great!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 34

Scenarios


Multiple. Playing in my head. All leading to the same outcome. But all dependant on his first move and my reaction to it. All emotional.

Doesn't work though. I've seen the stone wall. Untill there's a crack, you can't go back. Complete gravity moment right now. Can't be living this self inflicted chained life. Break free and leave me be.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 33

"Moving on"

Last night I spent some time talking to an online connect about how to "unlove someone". While I was sharing my thoughts around it, it also took me back to the different people I've loved and who've left, the different kinds of love that I've experienced and how each has been such a treasure-filled moment.

I know there are people who can unlove a person. I've never wanted to be in that category. Unloving them, for me, would mean, I'd have to start hating them. And I don't and never will. It would mean me saying I made a mistake and I know what I felt and know each moment with them mattered.

You don't learn to unlearn them, you learn to love other people, other things, other experiences and in time, always in time, and always with the right effort -- the love you felt for them will settle down, opening yourself up to a new love.

Right now as I'm typing this I realise that I like to see all my attempts at all the kinds of relationships I've had over the years as some kind of talisman to hold onto. It's allowed me to be myself and I know you reading this would think I've made myself even more vulnerable, but I'd disagree. It's set me up to be more open, more vulnerable ,more authentic, compassionate, to laugh at others and myself, to understand who I am.

That's why I'm always going to keep loving, living, laughing. Always.