Not gonna pretend. I'm not okay. It's been a terrible lonely feeling these last few weeks but I guess I should have listened to my gut when I realised that probably this isn't meant to be.
If all the others made me feel like I was too much, this time I was just shunned out. Not intentionally, just someone who is unable to comprehend human emotions. Or maybe it's just me.
I prayed so hard for what I have right now, counting my blessings. But what I should have prayed for even harder was to have the strength, the courage and the heart and head to persevere. I've adjusted, gone silent, communicated, listened, communicated some more, but I just couldn't get through.
Nobody deserves to be disrespected especially when they're investing their time and energy into loving someone, being there for someone, putting their heart on their fucking sleeve only to be ignored or muted. Nobody deserves such inhumane behaviour.
When I see others or hear about their demands and that all the time there's a price tag attached to it, I don't feel it because I probably don't get it. But when they talk and communicate, that I listen to, that I try and emulate because I want that connect. I want to have a better relationship and I will read and learn as much as I can about how to be 100% invested in everything I do. Because I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to mature and be a better human being. And no one will and can take that away from me.
I give, with always minimalistic expectations of care, comfort and conversations. But even that is too much and for someone like me to ask for it's going over the top, I guess. I really must be a disappointment to today's materialistic world and all the sugar daddy's. Gawd -- this girl has no fame, no game and no name.
After all the hard work I've put in to not feel an ounce of resentment towards any living thing for over a year, to have such hurt/hate well up inside and to tell someone I thought I loved to "Fuck Off" - I hate myself. I hate how small I am. I hate how much this hurts. I hate having to beg for someone's time. I hate having to wait for a message. I hate having to feel lost and alone when I have worked so hard to get my shit together.
I accept, I'll never really be needed, I'll just be settled for because in all I have loved, I have loved alone.
What a fucked up way to end 2019. What a fucked up way to start 2020.
