The wedding conundrum

I know what my wedding is going to be like... I know almost who will make it to the limited 100 guest list from my side. Whether my mother will get an invite to my own wedding is a story for another day. It's crystal clear in my mind.

Yeah, I didn't factor the roce and portepon and whatever else may be in store.

No show shaa. Simple. Keeping it real. Watching my cousin get married, the money being splurged, I'm just gulping. I ain't got any and I don't want any of this.

In my head I'm not complex. I know what I want. I know the relationship I am looking for. Sorted in my head. How can that be so warped?

I don't think I'll make it. What I need and what approaches don't make sense.

33 - you're knocking at my door and I dunno how to answer.

#FearIsTheEnemy

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

Disappointed

To have quit. And I'm not a quitter. I can't believe I lost courage when the time came to face the edge. Five seconds. Just five seconds of courage. I thought this year I earned my lion heart. I guess you can't run away from the truth - loner, and now adding loser to the tag.

Courage failed me in the most spectacular way. It's a heartbreaking feeling right now. I can't do anything right. Also started feeling giddy so the headache began which meant it wasn't only fear that crippled my senses.

I pumped myself so much with positive thoughts. And then walking on the bridge - everything collapsed. There was no heightened tension; there was just a flat out - no way are you doing this. Get out of here NOW!!!

I backed off. I numbed out and dumbed out and took my walk of shame alone. Two bus loads of people and I was the only one who didn't complete it.

The migraine and the paranoia got worse while returning by bus... Had to pop an avomine. The roads are narrow and broken and with the bus tilting so close to the edge, my nerves were in shambles. Then the damn unforgivable happened -- valley of tears.

2017 has been a fabulous year - in comparison to the last few. And I planned this so well because I was stoked about welcoming 2018 - I really have worked hard to be a better human being. I'm hoping someday I have the courage to attempt this again.

Here's to an awesome 2018 in whatever shape and form!