God I love the sweet taste of India
Lingers on the tip of my tongue
Gotta love the sweet taste of India
Blame it on the beat of the drum
- Aerosmith
Two years ago, I made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when I shall redeem my pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, I will awake to life and freedom.
A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul, long suppressed, finds utterance.
Powerful evocative words. If these words don't resonate what I feel everyday, every single waking moment of being back in India then I believe the next prose completes me...
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, Yo!
You can do anything you set your mind to, man.
- Eminem
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Top Guy for giving me his best gift of all - the choice - to stay in Canada or return to India. 'Opportunity of a lifetime' was what I was fed night and day by the good folks at home, the friendly bits and pieces of advice given by high and sundry. Yet to me it was a shaky move, my love for my family, my friends and my country versus the option of going into the unknown.
I was not ready. I never was to be honest. Many have claimed that I am not open to change. I am, albeit in bits and farts. But no, I will not agree to a monumental uprootment that ultimately questions who I am and my ethics and moral values. I'm sorry but that's not me.
Two years ago, the choice to relocate to a country where the sun barely shone was a disaster there in itself. If you know me, I am a child of Surya. I need my natural dose of vitamin D every single day. I wake up to the sun's rays sparkling in my eyes, I walk out of my lane and look to the heaven's praising Him for the glorious day he has given me, with this huge smile on my lips and my heart singing for joy as I start a new day.
And I chose to walk in the darkness with my eyes open.
Being in Canada, I regretted leaving the only place I can call home. Bitterly regretted it. Wasted time shedding unnecessary tears over why me, WTF, how could I have been such an ass, blah-blee-blu. Whined till I got over all the tears, anger, frustration and pulling of hair until I thought I'd go insane. Honest. There were times when I did think I was going cuckoo with all the talking I did to the budgies, rabbits, squirrels, groundhogs, flowers not to forget the four corners of my room and the extreme amounts of thinking I normally undertook to-and-fro from work and school (college).
But the healing began long before I think I was even ready. I changed - whether for better or worse, that is an opinion but since I am such a positive person (lol) I'd truly like to say Canada did help me become something or rather someone. Sometimes I find our choices - whether conscious or unconscious, help define us. I like to think so because that choice to study in Canada helped open a whole Pandora’s box/can of worms regarding things, people, thoughts that I didn't want to dwell on too much for fear of dealing with them.
But yet the amount of spare time I had in Canada helped me heal in bits and pieces. Helped me ask myself those tough questions which I kept pushing away, swallowing them whole, preferring to hurt rather than look at my scars in the eye and firmly let them go.
So at the end of the day, I guess it all boils down to what you want from life. I made my choice and I came home. And boy has it been one rollercoaster ride after the next. I mean to see people disappointed that I do not have an accent to regaling them with my life-experiences (if I may call it that) of living abroad to talking about the similarities and differences of both countries, I think I can safely say, Canada is no longer a regret.
It was another journey, another part of my life which I am glad I went through because it shaped me in a positive way. What has Canada taught me? - I am not perfect but I did learn:
- Family - Toughest lesson of all, but you always gotta stick with family. No matter what, blood is blood. I know how one track minded I can be and I also know I am not the easiest person to live with. You put up with me and my wildness for two years. Thank you for looking after a stubborn, tomboyish, crazy in short - girl and helping me grow.
- Humility - After cleaning other peoples shit, sweeping, mopping floors in restaurants and being a "Would you like fries with that" $10-an-hour 'glorified' waitress, I have begun to appreciate our sweepers and washroom cleaners not to forget our good friends at McDonalds. Thank you for making me eat humble pie.
- Mannerisms - I'd like to think I have always been polite. Now I am just thankful and grateful all the time. I learned that saying thank you doesn't cost much, saying sorry even less. So now everyday I see to it that the bus conductor, lady who cleans the washrooms in the office, the sweeper, watchman, rickshaw driver, anyone actually gets one big binaca smile from me. And it's amazing what a smile can do, its even more amazing when people smile back. Thank you to the people in Canada for teaching me that.
- Walking tall - Have you ever noticed how Indian women hunch and walk. I mean I always have been walking like that, kind of like trying to blend in with the hunchback crowd of women. We really have been acting like the inferior sex for too long. So now I walk the talk, chest out, head held high and look any man in the eye. Thank you to the women of Canada who reminded me that I am equal to the complimentary sex.
- Silence - The joy of being quiet has never been a favourite of mine maybe, because I can't shut up most of the time. But I did learn to listen to the sounds of silence, as my boys Simon & Garfunkel would say. During winter especially, the silence is the loudest and the stillness encompasses you in such a way that you become part of the landscape and are aware of every single cough or sigh. Thank you to Mother Nature Canada and all the flora and fauna who kept me company during my quiet times.
- Prayer - Found me again. There were times when I was lost, and I mean LOST, as in taking wrong buses, subways, basically I have zero sense of direction. Anyway, lost within myself and He reminded me to never give up, but to rise up against all odds. Glad to say but I heard Him loud and clear in those silent moments always walking by my side and always ALWAYS looking after me. Thank you Jesus.
- Friendship – I know I bitched like crazy about Canada and I think I always will but I really will not forget the friendships I forged out there. I found acceptance from people so different than me, that I felt blessed. From my classmates to my colleagues at work to the bus drivers who loved sharing their life stories with a stranger and who in turn would reciprocate by talking about her two-cent take on life. Thank you Ravinder, Maria, Erin, Karen, Nolan, Jordan, Maciej, Brad, Sari, Christine, Theresa, Angela, Simran, Vicky, Laura, Kelly, Tamara and family, Crysler and family, the bus driver who’s name I cannot remember but the face is etched in my paltry brain. So many of you left a scar (scars stay forever so…) and I just want to say - you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.
- Dreams – To all those who told me that they were waiting for me to come back home. Who kept me alive through images gone by, through kind words, through the few calls they could make, to playing the guitar for me and singing with me, who came on web chat and showed me their babies, who cried with me, who smiled with me, who bitched with me, laughed with me, but who were always around when I wanted a quick word. Thank you.
Back to reality
Two years ago… Wow.
It’s hilarious at times and I do feel awful that I can barely remember Canada. Then again if you know me well, you’d know I have poor memory and can barely remember my own name (re: Frost)
This time last year I was scouring the packed lanes of Dharavi hunting for my story and family for the documentary I was working on. I felt alive. ALIVE. I mean I could scream right now at the amount of built-up excitement is there in me!!!!!!
ALIVE
*breathe*
I can honestly say this year, 2010 has been the best year of my life. I can honestly say I have lived life to the fullest and given it my all. Dad’s heart attack and mom being hospitalized made me realize how precious life is.
I hope and pray the journey from now on helps me be a better ME.
I would like to end again with Pandit Jawaharlal’s famous speech, the night we got Independence.
"It is fitting that at this solemn moment I take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.
... And to India, my much-loved motherland, the ancient, the eternal and the ever-new, I pay my reverent homage and bind myself afresh to her service."
Jai Hind!
Tired of the pain and the hurt
