Daily scribbles and drools... Day 97

Not gonna pretend. I'm not okay. It's been a terrible lonely feeling these last few weeks but I guess I should have listened to my gut when I realised that probably this isn't meant to be.

If all the others made me feel like I was too much, this time I was just shunned out. Not intentionally, just someone who is unable to comprehend human emotions. Or maybe it's just me. 

I prayed so hard for what I have right now, counting my blessings. But what I should have prayed for even harder was to have the strength, the courage and the heart and head to persevere. I've adjusted, gone silent, communicated, listened, communicated some more, but I just couldn't get through.

Nobody deserves to be disrespected especially when they're investing their time and energy into loving someone, being there for someone, putting their heart on their fucking sleeve only to be ignored or muted. Nobody deserves such inhumane behaviour.

When I see others or hear about their demands and that all the time there's a price tag attached to it, I don't feel it because I probably don't get it. But when they talk and communicate, that I listen to, that I try and emulate because I want that connect. I want to have a better relationship and I will read and learn as much as I can about how to be 100% invested in everything I do. Because I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to mature and be a better human being. And no one will and can take that away from me. 

I give, with always minimalistic expectations of care, comfort and conversations. But even that is too much and for someone like me to ask for it's going over the top, I guess. I really must be a disappointment to today's materialistic world and all the sugar daddy's. Gawd -- this girl has no fame, no game and no name. 

After all the hard work I've put in to not feel an ounce of resentment towards any living thing for over a year, to have such hurt/hate well up inside and to tell someone I thought I loved to "Fuck Off" - I hate myself. I hate how small I am. I hate how much this hurts. I hate having to beg for someone's time. I hate having to wait for a message. I hate having to feel lost and alone when I have worked so hard to get my shit together. 

I accept, I'll never really be needed, I'll just be settled for because in all I have loved, I have loved alone. 

What a fucked up way to end 2019. What a fucked up way to start 2020. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 96

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Effort wasted

Connect or contact

There is none

A bottle of champagne

A glass for one

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

All dried out

White strained lips

"Fuck off" resentment

Turn back, turn away

Nothing given, some lent

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Unspoken words

Hiding in silos

Concrete angel

Unsure where I am

Unsure where I stand

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 95

This Parent’s Prayer by Ritchie Jackson

I pray your life is full of love. I hope it includes activism. I expect you’ll be of service.

I hope too through your buoyant colors you wear daily that your life will have a vibrancy, especially now while you are young, that mine did not.

I hope you’ll try, and if you fail, try some more.

I wish you to be loved the way I am.

I want you to know the glory is in the doing, not in any reward, financial gain, or accolade.

I want you to aim high, because if you aim for the middle you will find it.

Take time to think: there are no no-brainers.

Crave responsibility; it is where the living is.

Always want the ball.

Be kind. Being kind is like warming up your voice before singing or stretching before an athletic activity. Being kind opens you up to be ready for anything, and being kind to people makes them feel valued. When you are ready for anything, and valuing the people around you, the possibilities of what you can achieve are endless.

Don’t look down on anyone unless it’s to help pick them up.

Strive to be curious, not just capable.

There is not a finite amount of success in the world. Be the student most likely to want everyone to succeed.

In our loaded-for-bear world, where seemingly everyone has become a disciplinarian, teach don’t lecture, guide don’t demean, bolster don’t belittle.

Honor your parents by being yourself and all of yourself, living fully and unapologetically.

Comfort when needed and cause discomfort when required.

Care for and about yourself. Care for your friends and your family. Care for our community.

You are leaving home to join the greatest of odysseys, taking off on a magical and mysterious adventure. You are on the precipice where so many men before you stood. Jump. Jump as high and as far and as wide as you can.

This Parent’s Prayer by Ritchie Jackson

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 94

What am I thankful for?

It's been a mixed 2019. Not all happiness and not all sadness. Loads of highs and positive energy at the start of the year, a much more focussed me to a mixed pickle in the middle to ending the year with nothing and no one to hold onto. 2018, I think was a similar seesaw. And if I look back further, each year gone by is a similar mirror of ups and downs, highs and lows.

I didn't think 2019 would end this way but I've been feeling it for awhile. It's time, to hang up my boots and soldier on. Clear in the head and clear in the heart. You can't take people for granted. You can't take life for granted and every second that we waste in being unsure about someone important to us, whether or should we keep trying or should we take a risk, or quit and start afresh or learn a new skill... Is a second we're gonna regret. And these seconds pile up.

I'm thankful for having learnt to put my feelings in perspective. They are my guides and I've always found that while my heart rules my head, I've never felt so alone and so undeserving as I do right this minute. And I don't want to give any human being the power to make me feel that I'm not good enough.

In case you haven't read my earlier post, I may not be good enough for you, but  I'm enough for myself.

And I have my constant with me, #Always. With Him, nothing is impossible -- for Him and for me.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful once again for having the strength to pick myself up and chug forward. I ain't one for looking back. All eyes ahead, Freddy.

Must. Piper. Up!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 93

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,   
  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,   
I thank whatever gods may be   
  For my unconquerable soul.   

In the fell clutch of circumstance 
  I have not winced nor cried aloud.   
Under the bludgeonings of chance   
  My head is bloody, but unbowed.   

Beyond this place of wrath and tears   
  Looms but the Horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years   
  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.   

It matters not how strait the gate,   
  How charged with punishments the scroll,   
I am the master of my fate:
  I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 92

"I chose to focus where I was fearful to look"

Such a BOW WOW WOWWWW statement to read. Just last night I contemplated a paradigm shift to the way I was approaching things and they're still in a haze but at least I'm reorienting myself to a higher purpose. It helps to have a basic structure or definition in the mind.

Because some of our greatest achievements can stem from identifying what we may not want to face and Choosing to engage anyway.

Step by step. Inch by inch. Breathe.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 91

I haven't felt this downsized and irrelevant in awhile now. And I'm a 100% unsure about myself and how to handle this ever growing situation.

I'm not handling it as well as I should and can. Already broken down in public. I'm constantly thinking negative and putting myself down. It's a crime when people who you thought would always have your back make you question your very worth and existence.

As a team player, I've got no team. It's like the rug swept off your foot. You were galloping and they've cut off your legs.


Only the best survive. I'm definitely not the best, not even a little, not even close.

Black dog days for awhile.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 90

Self love and self compassion time... Because there really is no one else who can make you feel complete and whole.

Agenda of the day.
Buy yourself a beautiful flower
Buy yourself a book
Buy yourself that top which you saw at Fab India that's stuck in your head since a week
Buy yourself a health juice
Don't forget to hold your own hand
And most importantly don't forget to smile

Was a sad day but anyway... It had its heartfelt, uplifting kinda moments...

Flying solo

Finally got the top ... Still think it's pretty

Ekdam sad food.. ekdam

Held my hand so tight, thought it would break. 🥺

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 89

Balance

OR

Finding your rhythm?

To deal with burnout, balance is often cited. Truth is, you can’t balance if you don’t have a mojo or a rhythm going on. Most often when you try and balance tasks at work or home – it can spiral out of control if there’s an unaccounted-for hiccup.

And it’s at these tough cookie moments when you realise that a little rhythm in your daily routine makes a world of difference in how you take on the world, how you interact with people, how you handle situations and how you find purpose within yourself.

Also make sure to temper the tempo according to the situation. That’s how you’ll be able to handle the fast beats or the slow waltz.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 88

Reminder:

If he doesn't buy you flowers
Go out and buy yourself a Lily.

If he doesn't hold your hand
Wrap your arms around yourself into a tight hug.

If he won't dance or sing with you
Keep dancing and singing on your own.

If he doesn't ever compliment you
Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are --- inside and out.

If he doesn't like being part of anything you like doing
Do what you love and live for anyway.

If he says: I love you, parroting you
You don't need to say it to feel something.

If he doesn't talk about a future with you
It's because he doesn't appreciate your presence in the present.

And if he isn't grateful for your presence
Leave him with your absence.

You don't need his validation.
You don't need his sign off.
You don't need him to make you feel complete.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 87

List of 20 questions to reflect on:

1. What am I good at?
2. What am I so-so at?
3. What am I bad at?
4. What makes me tired?
5. What is the most important thing in my life?
6. Who are the most important people in my life?
7. How much sleep do I need?
8. What stresses me out?
9. What relaxes me?
10. What’s my definition of success?
11. What type of worker am I?
12. How do I want others to see me?
13. What makes me sad?
14. What makes me happy?
15. What makes me angry?
16. What type of person do I want to be?
17. What type of friend do I want to be?
18. What do I think about myself?
19. What things do I value in life?
20. What makes me afraid?

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 86

This post has been pending because I had to get my thoughts together.

About two months ago, an early 20s colleague died in a horrific road accident on an Expressway. I had met him a month prior on some work and he really went outta his way to help me out. I didn't know him well.

All of us were a bit shaken by the news because we all knew him in some shade or the other. A mail was drafted and sent to all employees. An announcement on the intercom at 11am said we would be holding a 2 minutes silence in remembrance of this young soul who'd been taken away so young. 

I sit by the windows at work so I get to see the Western Express Highway in all her glory every time I stare out. During those 2 extremely long minutes, as I thought of my last interaction with that lad, I acutely noticed cars and bikes speeding by, both lanes. People walking on the footpath, busy metro construction workers, rickshaws parked outside our work complex waiting to ferry someone around.

It was in that moment  Irealised how inconsequential everything is... Here today, gone tomorrow... Life goes on. Everything that we hold dear and true melts away. Whatever we feel, passes with the passage of time. The world continues to chug along, the earth rotates around the sun, daylight comes followed by the night... Life goes on.

Watching traffic reminded me of how irrelevant my existence is, my worries are, my sense of outrage and misplaced self-importance are. In 2 minutes whether we knew this boy personally or not, we would all get back to our emails, get into a meeting, pick the phone and argue with a loved one or colleague, go take a dump, whatever... Life would go on and this boy's life would be forgotten.

Leaving a legacy behind --- what does that mean to you and how important is it?

For most people in the world, being able to afford a roof over their head, get 2-3 square meals a day and some clothes on their back is all they can hope for. Maybe a bit of dignity at the time of their death... If they're lucky. 

For those with a better disposition, are we chasing more than we need? Do our wants outweigh our needs? Does the end justify the means by which we achieve our dreams or goals?

If I leave this world behind, will the world stop for a second to remember me? Nope, it won't. But I hope a few will raise a toast in my memory and say they were happy that they knew me. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 85

May be I'm trying too much because I damn straight know I'm not expecting too much. And the reason I'm probably trying too much is to fill some of the basic expectations which aren't in place either.

You're there but you're not 100% there... You know what I mean?

Hate that even asking for common courtesies make me feel like I'm cribbing and whining. And it sucks.

Feel like an  afterthought most times because you either keep forgetting or maybe because you put in next to no effort to remember... What's important and what's just basic decency.
Zero serious conversations about the future so left hanging.

At what point is the point of no return?

2019 – 6 down, 6 to go

How do you feel about your current direction?

Most nights, I know but some night, now, I’m blank. With nothing said, and everything in my head, I wish, I didn’t have to wish. I’m not pretending it doesn’t bother me because then life would be too good to be true but I’m bidding my time. Let’s face it, nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass, if it comes down to it. (I don’t want it too!!!)

Did you choose it, or are you sleepwalking?

I chose – I took a risk and I chose. And I’m glad… I’d make the same choice a 1000 times.

Does it bring you closer to your true self, or are you navigating someone else’s labyrinth?

I believe this is the closest I’ve come to being my truest self. Nothing scares me anymore. How awesome is that? It wasn’t easy to get to where I am today or to tread this path and I’m definitely not taking it for granted. But life is beautiful because I choose it to be. #GratefulHeart #Always

I agree, there are no wrong answers, only the truth

How do you define your truth?

I define my truth by knowing I weigh and make every decision based on what is best for me, what will help me grow and become a better version of me and will help me help others to see their potential and help them become the best and truest version of themselves. This is my truth.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 84

We're a month old... yesterday.

And it's precious. And perfect.

And I couldn't be any less happier or grateful.

But and there will always be buts... The "What If" is upsetting me... It's at the back of my mind, numbing me. I wish I hadn't said anything. But now that I know what's on the table, may be I have forgotten how right I was in saying that.

Which fcuking sucks... Mangoes!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 83

Not good at this.

In fact positively suck. Nervous and worried when away. Happiest when present. Please no out of sight, out of mind, please. I've already played one hand -- don't take me for granted. Notice the difference. Before and after... Are things changing? If yes, are you sitting up and taking notice?

Don't let your fears speak too loud -- constant reminder.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 82

How do we help the visually challenged to see change?


Went to get my eyes checked last evening. Right eye has been twitching these last two weeks and I assumed it was all the strain from the mobile/laptop overuse (no money has come in, Google!). With getting old comes greater fears. My eyesight and spine being the biggest winners.

How do the visually challenged manage? If I can't distinguish between currency, how do they handle this change with currency passing through sooo many hands? How do they cross the road. How do they identify flavours based on colours? How do they know which attire cut suits their body shape? How do they understand that the signal has turned green?

I have so many questions and I see no answers.

Do sign this petition --- with the hope that the Central Government, Reserve Bank of India, Public and Private sector banks, corporates etc... Make a change

https://www.change.org/p/support-us-in-making-indian-currency-accessible-for-the-blind?recruiter=798955114&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink&utm_campaign=share_petition&utm_term=triggered

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 81

Dancing in the moonlight

I'd forgotten what's it's like to be alive.

I'd forgotten to dance.

Mesmerised.

Salsa. Bachata. Zumba. I was in heaven.

Nothing can take these moments away. 

So at 34... Let's look at what love looks like, as a definition

I remember dancing used to be right up there. But looking at how toned the women are and how sleek the moves are, I guess subconsciously I moved it out of the way. But it's still right up there. I can't believe how alive I felt. Like I was in some time warp and nothing could take me away from that moment 

JC. Always. No compromise on You.

Loves animals.

Lives a simple life. Enough money to make a house a home.

I dunno about kids right now. I'm mixed. Will need to figure it out.

Will make the effort to understand how complex I am.

Who wants to backpack around the world.

Adopt a dog and a kid. The best.

Is a little chubby.

Wants to experience new things... Always.

Who won't give up.

Doesn't sound like the list has changed much.

Nyeh. 

Daily Scribbles and Drools... Day 80

Hi

Hi

How are you?

I’m okay. You?

I’m okay too

I miss our conversations

Me too… A lot

Can we start over?

I’d really like that

And one more thing

Yes?

I wish you were here

I wish I was there too

Why?

So I could see you in the flesh and tell you…

Tell me…?

That I liked being around you and if you feel the same, would you like to explore if this could mean something more?

I feel the same and yes, I’d like this to lead to something meaningful

(:

(“:

Would you be up for a quick video chat?

Always

Okay, I'm done day dreaming. Back to reality.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 79

Four and Thirty

Spittin 'N Swingin

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 78

Goring

Come on
Come on
Come on

Positive vibes... To the UK.

Need you now more than ever. My prayer list is getting never ending. I've nothing left to offer. All that I have had, I have given. I've got nothing except faith. If that's what it takes. Need your strength to leave mine and give him strength. He needs you now more than ever.

May your love be upon us three, as we place all our hope and trust in you.

No cross. No crown.

Amen.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 77

91

Ahhh I'm a mess right now. Thought I'd be able to keep my shit together and when you least expect it, wham! Your brother will send something that will get the floodgates open.

I miss you, nana. I'm filled with regret that I didn't do enough because I was so stuck in my selfish ways and my selfish little world. I'm trying so hard to be a better human being. I hope you can see me try from up there. Please don't be disappointed in me. I am trying.

Happy Birthday, nana.

I love you, with every beat of my heart. Always.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 76

Learned two new styles!

Yayyy!

What am I yapping about? Wearing a stole. Lol. Okay, so I've not really worn a stole in ten years and Delhi weather had me purchasing two lovelies from H&M. Was browsing through Pinterest and these two ideas popped up.

And voila. I have two new ways to wear my lovely stoles for another month, I hope.

The little things, that's all I got. LMFAO!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 75

Writing doesn't come easy.

Not when you have a billion other things... Aite, I exaggerate; you've got a couple of things weighing you down.One of the biggest things has been my mobile usage and how exhausting it is checking the phone for no rhyme or reason.

I downloaded this app called Space to try and reduce my dependency on the mobile -- even to check the time when I had a watch on. What's a girl gotta do!

Anyway, it's been painful and disheartening to see how bad the addiction is. Me time is tough but working towards reducing my usage - a little more of me and a little less of mobile.

That's the focus!