What I truly loved about Interstellar is how smoothly it transported me to Contact, a sci-fi flick I loved watching on Star Movies growing up, how I always dreamed of becoming a pilot. Realising right now how much I've suppressed, to forget, to let go. I quit on myself.
I'm in analysing mode and currently playing 10 questions to every answer. Bingo!
Is this where my fear of heights stems from? The inability to jump, take the plunge, always cautious, always thinking ten steps ahead and then taking ten steps back... You know, just to be safe.
Contact, among other bigger and more important issues it touched upon, also explores the father-daughter conundrum. Of pushing her to excel and to get her to achieve her potential. It resonated; know my dad gave me the best of what life could afford us.,
Yet was there deep-seated resentment somewhere? That we couldn't afford what I wanted, so I had to recalibrate my future? I remember him gulping at the ten grand each year for my three year BMM course. I have no clue how Canada happened, to be completely honest. I'll keep that for another vortex induced guilt trip.
What's bothering me? A constantly wound up fidgety ferret.
I just made myself a cuppa. I realised at that very moment I am not a risk taker -- at all. I play by the rules, by the book, always obey orders, instructions... I struggle to go off character, mostly deny myself things based on two principles -- are these wants or needs? I constantly live and breathe in the practicality of life. And probably, I feel, at this moment, it's because my dad said no -- to me wanting to fly.
So I caved and always used "lack of money in the bank" to deny myself. My way of dealing with a no, I guess. Dad took risks, became a businessman and beats the odds. My mum was independent, always pushing herself out of the house to a life she wanted to live on her own terms and turf.. Chelson followed her footsteps and I couldn't be happier knowing that he succeeded where I failed to even try.
Me? I played safe. I fucking played safe. To keep my family together. I don't know why I'm feeling so emotional and choked and clogged up but I played safe so that I would be a little less broken for all the failings that existed in the Saldanha family. I didn't want to ever ask anyone for money, for a loan, or a helping hand.
I, the dumbest human on this planet, mugged so much to ace every exam, unable to comprehend or learn or even absorb anything. Frightfully forgetful. Mediocre at best. I think everyone has seen that in my writing, I always thought it was the one thing I was decent at but when I look back at my grades, the assessment of my projects, my scriptwriting, my work these last ten+ years... It was all quite rudimentary, let's be honest here.
I think the last big risk I took was planning a solo trip to the UK and doing the Scotland trip. After detailed planning I ended up spending about INR 2 lakhs. The most money I have ever spent in three weeks. No regrets. I was frugal most days but never felt it. I had money in the bank. I was alive in every sense and I will never regret it. I had money in the bank.
I've done nothing as brave as that in a long long time. I've put my dreams on hold for something that's a 50-50 today. I've set aside savings for over a year hoping to change my narrative and start afresh --- a new life in a new environment. I'm going to do that. Work has already begun.
It all comes down to the timing. When is the right time? What if it's now or never? What if I'm too late or too early? What if I missed the bus? What if it's perfect weather? What if conditions are just right?
What if it's time to soar Chelsea?
"Lord gimme a sign" ~DMX
