The Me I See... is the Me I'll Be.

I am beautiful... when i do not wear make-up, even if I have pimples, scars and pockmarks
I am honest... that means being blunt, and not a bitch
I am hardworking... when I give my 100% in every task that I take on - even if I don't like it
I am truthful... when I stand up for what I believe in
I am a voice... for those who have none
I am a challenge... when someone tells me I can't achieve something and puts me down
I am pure... inside and out
I am resourceful... when I cook, decorate the house or even buying things - not cheap, resourceful
I am outspoken... when someone is trampling on other peoples toes to get their own way
I am blessed... when I count the miracles that take place everyday which I forget to account for
I am hopeful... that I will take the right step, and every wrong one will help me me stand right back up and move in the right direction
I am strong... for those who need a shoulder or even a listening ear - it will all get better in time
I am humble... because I know my strengths... AND my weaknesses
I am concerned... for those who have no one to care and love them
I am spirited... when I love... it is forever

I am who I am... and nothing and no one will ever change Me

Christmas or 'X'mas

Christmas or ‘X’masI don't really know the meaning of Christmas anymore. Last year I struggled with the materialism and the Santa Claus fanaticism that’s going around. This year I plan on finding Christmas in any small way I can.

Christmas isn't Santa Claus.
Christmas isn't about toys, clothes, jewelry and gifts under the tree.
Christmas isn't about how low cut your dress is or how many slits your skirt has or how spiked and well gelled your hair is. *Especially at midnight mass*
Christmas isn't about which neighbour gave you sweets for Diwali - only then will I give them sweets for Christmas.
Christmas isn't about party-sharties or navy balls.
Christmas isn't about hitting the bottle, then hitting on girls and then hitting the streets.

After watching the brutal atrocities committed by a few religious fanatics against our Christian brethren, it’s sad to say but I don't really think I want to celebrate Christmas this year.

How can we think of spending money on clothes, toys, gifts, sweets and parties when so many have suffered - lost lives, homes and most of all lost themselves. Is there anything we can do to help ease their grief?

I know there is.

Lets try to focus on the value of family, of going to church as a family and showing people that we are a peaceful religion and wish none of our countrymen, be them of any faith, any ill will. Let’s try to unite as a parish, a community, a congregation to help promote peace and goodwill among ourselves. Most of all lets help those who can't help themselves and who need someone.

I urge all my fellow youth group members from St. Joseph, my Christian friends,... my friends from different faiths, even those who don’t believe but believe in the value of each and every human being, anyone who will read this to do something different this year and show someone who has suffered from these hate crimes... that no matter what - we are here for you...

This Christmas and every single day.

Christmas is Christ. Amen.

Migrating to U.S., Canada and other so called First World Countries…

Thoughts from overseas...

Thoughts of going abroad for some as an immigrant or even on a work permit can be a little daunting. There are many - What If questions, questions people even living abroad can’t answer most of the time. Everyone says - hey you’re getting a better deal man – clean air, amazing food, good schools, healthy way of living, and the usual positives about going abroad.
Yes, there are plenty of trees, you get a whiff of clean air now and then, the foods good till you see the calorie intake, and there are plenty of hospitals and doctors till you find yourself sitting with a temperature in the waiting room for eight hours before a doctor will see you. Whoever came up with that line ‘Jobs are available in plenty abroad’ is still living in India and making fools of people wasting their time by losing everything they’ve ever had just to be part of a so called better way of life.
The following are things which most people who live abroad or an agent who would love to send you packing on the next available flight to Canada will not tell you:
- The economies of the U.S. are crumbling, that means around the world people are losing jobs, including first world countries.
- Go online and start reading the newspapers of the country you plan on going to and see what they have to say about the economy. You will find it starkly different from what your agent has been telling you.
- I still have to meet one parent, just one skilled migrant worker from India, China, Jamaica and even Bangladesh who has immigrated at the age of 25, 35, 45 even 50 and been asked to go back to school (known as a continuing education program) learn their new country’s education and then find a job in that field if they are lucky enough to do so.
- You have the GST, the PST, totaling 15%, on practically everything you purchase and many other taxes taken out of your weekly paycheck.
- People come dressed to Church in shorts, tank tops, spaghettis and to keep children quiet give them their Barbie dolls and PS2’s.
- All the experience you’ve gained in your home country is literally a waste. Unless you have connections in really high places you won’t find a great job.
- Everyone starts of working in fast food restaurants or general labour positions.
I have met a journalist from Pakistan – he sits and sells calling cards to India and other countries. At the restaurant I work at, there is a lady who has her Masters in Computer Science and another who has a Masters in Hindi. They both flip burgers and make French fries. All three regret coming here. One can argue that the money you get paid abroad is more, but so are your cost of living and daily expenditures.
I find it appalling that people who have struggled and succeeded in their home country will think of giving up family and friends hoping they are giving their children a better life than the one they have in India. I don’t think anything or anyone can replace your homeland. When I see Indians faking an accent I don’t laugh but I do feel sorry for them. You end up giving up on your morals and principles just to try and fit in. At the end of the day if you can sleep with your conscience, I commend you.

Lost.

why does my heat beat so sadly
why does my face frown with pain
why does my smile look so empty
as I walk with a limp in the rain

why do my feet walk ever so slowly
as I try and figure my past
why do memories keep on haunting me
when they were never meant to last

why is God so quiet when I need him the most
where is He when the hurt is too much to bear
was I not worth it, Lord?
was I worth nothing at all?
Seems like you just dont care

Need help physically, mentally, emotionally
Yet everyone has their back to my face
The reality can never be changed
Maybe I just ain't worth the chase

Violence, Violence and then some...

Why are we Indian's bombing each other up? When is all of this going to stop? When are we even going to think logically about whom we are harming and how it affects our economy?

Sitting comfortably in Canada enjoying the riches a First World Country has to offer, I am plagued with the impending decision – should I return to the motherland or not? The only reason why I am thinking of something I swore I’d never do is because –

a.) Every educated person in India is fleeing the country and

b.) Is it safe for us minorities anymore?

Definition of the term ‘Brain Drain’ by Wikipedia.

“Brain drain or human capital flight is a large emigration of individuals with technical skills or knowledge, normally due to conflict, lack of opportunity, political instability, or health risks.”

I am proud of being Indian.

But...

I do have reservations about people from one faith killing people of any community or hurting anyone’s religious place of worship, or raping and molesting women who are trying to help marginalized or people on the border-line to get out of their poverty filled lifestyle and rise against all odds.

Proponents of the Brain Drain theory have it right, but it also all comes down to who we are as individuals. As mammals with a mind to think, understand and rationalyse information fed to us - we somehow do a very poor job of using our mind. We let out actions take control and deal with the consequences later.

No point in wishful thinking - of asking some volatile elements in our country to stop this spread of hatred and animosity amongst our own brethren and try to forge a relationship of peace and goodwill. By asking that would mean trying to tap onto their good side. Unfortunately their skins are as tough as the skin on the back of a camel... Id be deluding myself.

Seems like such a shame, such a young independent nation ruinedby the likes of such men. Like President-Elect Barack Obama states... - NOW IS THE TIME FOR CHANGE! COME ON INDIA!

Shine again.

Can't lose what you never had

~ At night I pray, that soon your face will fade away

~ Sorry seems to be the hardest word
~ You cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love

~ Once again I'm thinking about, taking the easy way out

~ And there's hope that keeps me going on

~ These streets remind me of quick sand, when your on it, you keep going down

~ Silence like a cancer grows

~ Give us faith so we'll be safe

~ This love is unbreakable, it's unmistakable, and each time I look in your eyes, I know why

~ In the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here

~ As the stars sparkle down like a diamond ring, I'll treasure this moment, till we meet again

~ A simple line can make you laugh or cry

~ Fear is the enemy

~ But my dreams they aren’t as empty, as my conscience seems to be

~ Life is ours, we live it our way

~ But I just bit on my lip and my face began to frown

~ I let you in and you let me down

~ I can't deny what I believe, I can't be what I'm not

~ Alone, I can hear, hear our song, playing for me again

~ And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

~ You have everything and you're still lonely

~ Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it feed my soul and drown my fears

~ Word's can't bring me down

~ But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you

~ Like you're oldest friend, just trust the voice within

~ Can't remember when, I last saw you laughing

~ A whole life so lonely, and then you come and ease the pain

~ I've loved you forever, in lifetimes before

~ I'll build your dreams with these two hands

~ Take the very breath you gave me, take the heart from my chest

~ And this choice I made keeps playing in my head

~ Running low on faith and gasoline

~ Since you've been gone my world's been dark and gray

~ If only I had said what I still hide

~ Do you think how it would have been sometimes

~ Flashback, warm nights, almost left behind, suitcases of memories, time after

~ Since you been gone I can do whatever I want

~ Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk

~ She's the sweetest drug

~ It's like I'm taking five steps forward, and ten steps back

~ In the end it doesn't even matter

~ Sand in my shoes

~ There will be no white flag above my door

~ It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

~ I don't know that's just the way I am

~ Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you

~ Everybody wants to rule the world

~ No matter what the end is, my life began with you

~ How you turn to me and smile, you take my breath away

~ I wanna be with you everywhere

~ Something in your voice makes me wanna lose myself in your arms

~ Now most days I felt like a child whose afraid of ghosts in the night

~ The road to heaven is paved with good intentions

~ They ain't never gonna catch me riding dirty

~ Maybe I'm just a bad girl

~ Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down, like toy soldiers

Taking a bow

Just sick of love songs, sick of tears, sick of wishing you were here...

Career or love?

What a lousy choice and that too one every person has to consider... give up on the love of a lifetime or give up on the career that you've been planning forever.
I do not understand why there cannot be a balance. My whole belief is if the top guy has given me 24 hours in a day and if I cannot give even five minutes to the person whom I am crazy about just to send an email or sms or call and say I love him/her then what is the point of being in a relationship in the first place? Am I just a dress up doll? For show when people come over or some porcelain Chinese plate, to be used only during fine dining?

I understand. I understand that you have priorities. I understand that the world isn’t ready for you and me – for us. I understand there are things you want to fulfill and accomplish. But I guess I need to be blessed with more understanding and more patience. It’s not like I am running out of it, it’s just that I don’t want to feel left out of your life.

Career first – and I agree. But then what? Do I just stay hidden in the shadows? Do I let failed relationships dictate out future? Is this a test or is this for real? What if while I take a backseat someone steals you away from me? Heck you think someone’s gonna steal me away so why not vice versa?

Low profile. Space. Silence. Unanswered questions. Loneliness. Hurt mixed with misery. Love. Lust. Power. Ego.

… and there’s hope that keeps me going on…

A NEW START

Everything about me has changed... From my bob cut hair-do to my small yet prominent paunch, from a happy-go-lucky-carefree girl to an often silent and lost woman now.

I'm an adult - and not so thrilled about it.

Remember when you were 5 years old and you just couldnt wait to grow up. You just waited for a chance for someone to ask you how old you were and you would stand erect with your head high and say "I am almost 5 and a half going to be 6 years old!" I remember saying stuff like that. I also remember starting college and everybody who is anybody would be doing the coolest ‘in thing’ at that age - hang out at clubs. Everyone wanted to enter the place but you had to look 18. At 5 feet nothing, with pimples and no boobs you're definitely not 18!

Yet here I am at 23 panicking at the thought of even hitting 25 - lets not talk about my allergic reactions bordering on occasional rash breakouts at the thought of reaching 30...*arrgh* And then you have the usual "Reena just got engaged" and "Have you heard the good news - Mary had a baby boy" - well Mary could give birth to a little lamb and I would still run as fast as my 23-year-old legs could to get away from that conversation.

This is my life. This is what I want to talk about. Random things which may sometimes border on gibberish, fairies, princes and princesses, books i love and music I abhor, loves that I have lost and new ones I someday hope to find.

May you find some comfort here…

~ArrivedercI~