Daily scribbles and drools... Day 101

Is this an "ooops" instead of a - what if?

Learning again to never need no one. Failure is a great teacher, isn't she? The beast has shed her beauty. Time to say - fuck it, this fuck up has fucked up again and nothing fucking matters. Cue Larz Ulrich on the drums...

It's like the punches metted by a boxer. It hits you and hits you and hits you and you're bleeding from your eyes, your nose, you're spitting red everywhere... And you tell yourself -- it's okay. Time to close your eyes and let that KO in. After all, why do you even fucking try. You'll never win at this.

You failed. Again. And you'll fail again and again and again. Why? Because you're really not good enough. You're shit. You and your stupid fucking emotions are garbage. All they do is fuck up everything. Where's that fucking heart of stone you promised yourself? Where is it????? Why are you constantly breaking down? Have you learned nothing from your past? Where are you now!!!!

The self pity series begins... Shutdown and Lockdown mode switched on. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 100

We've got a lot of people in powerful positions talking about #eachforequal today. And yet, few of them are making visible changes to make equal representation a reality in their organisation's leadership.

Posting on social media about how awesome the women surrounding you are, at the end of the day, are just words. For your words to mean anything --- give us a seat on that board, appoint us CEOs, offer us partnership... because we have earned it and we deserve it. Let your actions speak louder than your token once a year reminder.

To the women battling it all not just to rise to the top but who also don't tear their women colleagues down and give more women opportunities to excel and lead from the front -- YOU, are my SHEROES!

Empowered Women + Empowered Men = Empower Women

Happy Women's Day. 

#GirlPower

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 99

From a 2019 which meant everything to going back to ground zero at the turn of the new year and battling my range of emotions while holding on to what feels like nothing today. That's what kills a person -- the unsure piece. Whether they are truly wanted, just being settled for or are scrap now.

I am broken once more and I don't even know how to fix things. I have tried talking, sharing. And all I'm met with is silence. And I know the answer is to get out now before the damage on my psyche gets worse but the fear of ending something I believe is wonderful is terrifying. It will take me a long time to recover and the fear of another failure when I'm failing professionally too is something I am unable to bear.

How did I get here? Other than pouring my heart out -- again, I'm a fucking fool to believe people care. No one does. Everyone is so guarded that if you let your guard down they just come pummel you to pieces and leave. Every fucking time.

I remember Bangalore playing saviour to my battered soul, this time I will have no cubby hole to crawl into and die. And the shame and disappointment. Thinking, yes, this is it. This is mine.

I've always known love wasn't written in my stars. This time I thought maybe you're giving me a chance. That you'd have heard my silent prayer. But I'm wrong, aren't I? There is no love for me. Just loneliness. And that's okay. I've been alone so long, I'll settle back into my second skin. But this time I won't come out. Because I don't have any fight left in me. I'm done.