As I close another chapter...

I am so grateful to so many people who have helped shape my fragile world. There are so many things I wish I could say to all of you for being my bra, my support. But honestly, you have made me a better me. I know I have been tough on many but I love openly and I don't set out with the intention of hurting anyone.

So if I have hurt you in the past, leave it in the past. Forgive me for my transgressions and I hope we can move on, on a better note.

Life is complicated, not to forget complex. It's how we make the best of every situation is what differentiates who we are.

I wish everyone a peaceful, hope-filled, lots of love and laughter in 2011. If tears happen to pass by your lane, let them flow and cleanse you and heal you. Don't be ashamed to shed them. Feed on their power and with head held high journey onward.

A Happy New Year 2011

Lots of love and blessings,

Chelsea.

Set me like a seal on your heart

Set me like a seal on your heart always

December 5 - 12, 2010

Tough week and a heck of a lot of tough love.

And the hearts all over the world tonight

Said the hearts all over the world tonight

~ Chris Brown

I dunno how I got through it. I dunno how BC, LD, CM, KM and ER got through it either. But I pray and hope they coped better than I did. Because I know how close I was to screaming, screaming hoarse - silently.

Just felt like my hands and feet were tied, my mouth was gagged and I was buried deep within the earth. There was no other way but the highway. Take it and go. And I was so not ready, still am not ready to walk the plank. And I have no doubts that I will never be ready.

I know it's tough to lose the person you love. Okay I lie. I don't know. But I don't wanna know. It would be nice if I conked first, that way I can skip the shit that I know I will go through.

I'm 25 and I can't deal with pain. Dunno what it will feel like at 26 man!

How do the rest do it? I mean smile for effs sake. I love smiling, but days when I wake up feeling like life's  sucked the last breath outta me, I can't give a cracker of a smile even if my life depended on it because my eyes *saala dhokebaaz* fail me every time. They reflect my soul, what I feel, who I am, what I am going through, which is bloody unfair since I mastered the technique of hiding behind a facade.

Now I don't even try. Wimp.

I have not really attempted to search for the answers but I hope this new year I set forth to seek the hands that heal and the words that will comfort me.

Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am unworthy and ungrateful, but I try to be the best you made me. Remind me of this in my moments of doubts, unworthiness and self-esteem blues.

The 'M' Factor

Everything about me has changed... From my bob cut hair-do to my small yet prominent paunch, from a happy-go-lucky-carefree girl to an often silent and lost woman now.

I'm an adult - and not so thrilled about it.

Remember when you were five-years old and you just couldn’t wait to grow up? You always waited for a chance for someone to ask you how old you were and standing erect with your head high, you would utter, "I am almost five-and-a-half going to be six-years soon!"

I remember saying stuff like that. I also remember starting college and everybody wanting to do the coolest ‘in thing’ at that age - hang out at clubs. All  of us wanted to enter the place but you had to look 18, right? At five-feet nothing, with pimples, you're definitely not 18!

Yet, here I am, 10-years later, panicking! Let’s not talk about my allergic reactions bordering on occasional rash breakouts at the thought of reaching 30... *arrgh* And then you have the usual "Susie just got engaged!" and "Have you heard the good news - Mary had a baby boy!" Well Mary could give birth to a little lamb and I would still run as fast as my 25-year-old legs could to get away from that conversation!

Other than Big Boss, the hot debate/gossip/topic at this stage of our young adult lives is – Marriage.

I have a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends (boys who are friend’s dad) whose parents I think were just waiting for that day, ever since their little bundle of joy crossed puberty, to talk about how they were going to find a nice boy/girl (what does ‘nice’ mean anyway?). Now I know a lot of nice boys and girls. And plenty of them agree with me that they will tie the knot, as and when they are ready to settle down and become baby producing machines.

Okay, before I go on, let me clarify – I am NOT against people getting married. Heck, I have my wedding dress design ready and the names of my four kids (two borne by me and two adopted of course) all ready. Only the tall, fair and handsome part is missing from the equation.

All I am saying is give us a chance.  Let us make that once in a lifetime decision with your blessings and approval of course. But let us choose for ourselves. Don’t pressurize us to do something we might end up regretting. The blame-game is something most of us would like to avoid with our lives as complex as it is.

A friend of mine recently told me how his parents wanted him to marry a doctor or an MBA, basically any woman who was rolling in money. I was stunned. I have known him and his family forever. While he says he is happily single for now, he just doesn’t understand this term – come from a well-to-do family. The question I am itching to ask his parents - Does money really buy happiness? You tell me.

Arranged marriages work, don’t get me wrong. A couple of friends have told me how they fell in love with their life partner. Well, good for you. Your parents picked a winner! Same goes for those who fall in love and you introduce your future partners to the good folks at home and it works out beautifully. You clicked and the rest as they say is history.

That means it takes two to tango. Today, finding that partner to tango with all the way down the aisle and for life, is tough, especially, when you have a lot of variety, in terms of dancing styles and partners.

Some of us want to stay single, some want to study further, some want to explore the world and then settle down, join the religious, some want to work for awhile and then give up their job to raise a family.

This is not the 1970’s where saying ‘I do’ was the most exciting part of your existence, where settling down and starting a family was the be all and end all of life, where who your parents chose was ‘The One.’

My little rant is basically asking parents to take a step back and not put undue pressure in making their young adults get into something they may not be ready for. Other than that, call me for the wedding!

Hello darkness my old friend...

Hold my Hand
I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better
If you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us
If you just hold my hand

MJ & Akon

Death is no more the beginning or the end. Touch and go moments. I am dying inside and I can't do anything anymore. Zapped out of strength. Just waiting. Praying and waiting. Lost in limbo and living in a trance-like state. Smiling for the heck of it, grinning cause I have nothing else to do, nothing left to lose if I lose you.

Hate this feeling. Dark times. Looking within but finding little solace. It's been a tough week all around yet there are has been no easing in the pain.

Help me pull through. Help me learn to let go. I know I struck a plea-bargain with You two years ago. Please, I beg thee please don't take her away from me.

Please.

But let Your will be done.

Hold my Hand. I won't ever let you go.

From a Million Dollar Man to his Gran Torino... Your biggest fan.

Well maybe not biggest fan. Hope to learn more about your work and films and hope that I follow my heart just the way you have. Have been reading a few quotes and wanted to pen them down for future reference (Re: In times of depression & loneliness)

Without sounding like a pseudointellectual dipshit, it's my responsibility to be true to myself. If it works for me, it's right.

I don't like the wimp syndrome. No matter how ardent a feminist may be, if she is a heterosexual female, she wants the strength of a male companion as well as the sensitivity.

There's a rebel lying deep in my soul. Anytime anybody tells me the trend is such and such, I go the opposite direction. I hate the idea of trends. I hate imitation; I have a reverence for individuality. I got where I am by coming off the wall. I've always considered myself too individualistic to be either right-wing or left-wing.

I think kids are natural actors. You watch most kids; if they don't have a toy they'll pick up a stick and make a toy out of it. Kids will daydream all the time.

Plastic surgery used to be a thing where older people would try to go into this dream world of being 28 years old again. But now, in Hollywood, even people at 28 are having work done. Society has made us believe you should look like an 18-year-old model all your life. But I figure I might as well just be what I am.

People have lost their sense of humor. In former times we constantly made jokes about different races. You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth or you will be insulted as a racist. I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a 'Sam the Jew' or 'Jose the Mexican' - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist thought. It was just normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don't want to be politically correct. We're all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.

On a possible return to acting after saying he was giving it up with Gran Torino (2008)] I'm like Jaws 2 (1978): "Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water..."

[On death] I don't think older people think about it that much, my mother was 97. She passed away a few years back. The only thing she ever said to me, toward the last, she said, 'I want out of here, I am tired.' And I said 'No, no, three more years. We get the century mark.' I figured I could coax her into more after that, but when she finally did pass away, she couldn't talk because she had had a stroke. They said do you want to be resuscitated for while, and she said 'no.' So, I had to grant her that wish. She had no fear and I think as you get older -- you probably have more fear as a younger person than you do as an older person. Because as an older person you have stacked up a lot of background and time-in-grade, so to speak, so you are probably thinking what the hell 'I have had a good time.

Choking on a dream

Tell me your secrets
Tell me your dreams
Tell me how we could make this work
Leave nothing in-between

Right or wrong I forget
There was nothing there to prove
It's not like I was a real threat
Just your muse, just a tool

Batti Bandh 2010!

2010 is coming to a close soon.

Last December the youth of St Joseph Parish, Goregaon East got together at Assisi Bhavan to spread the word that switching off lights for an hour is GOOD!

'Batti Bandh' or 'Mumbai Unplug' is an initiative by people like you and me, the common folk of our country, to step up the battle to give generations ahead of us a future.

On December 11, 2010, I request all of you to switch of your lights for an hour - from 7:30 to 8:30 - to mark solidarity with those supporting the cause to save electricity. IF you can spread the word amongst family and friends that is a start. Put up notices in your buildings, complexes, talk about the initiative on twitter, orkut or any other social networking site that you are on... blog about it!!!

The kids of Shuchidham complex, took up the initiative to spread the word. We spent 3 hours making charts. They were really enthusiastic about the project and parents came out to support us. (They still think I am a kid :D)

Mother Nature and ME will love you till death parts us :D

BATTI BANDH!!! UNPLUG MUMBAI!!!

That time of the month...

... When my defenses are at their weakest. When all the people I have wanted, have walked away from me. Down but not out... yeah that's me, most of the time at least.

Once in a while though that niggling itch comes right back and bites me. Those are the times when it hurt the most I guess.

I could never be her. Never dress up like her, never talk like her, never walk like her, never act like her. Who am I kidding. I could never be her.

I could never be her.

I tried caring again. Shit I tried. I swore I would never but I did. Well we nipped it in the bud didn't we precious?

Got told by someone " Tera tho kuch bhi nahi hone walla hain... Shaadi kaun karega tere sei..." While he said it in jest *I think*... I voiced out aloud -"I know... I know, because it is true." Shrugging it off I had my chai.

It's a waste caring. It's a waste trying to be that person others expect you to be. I am not going to compromise on what I stand for and what I believe in.

Dreams do come true. This is just a low point for now, but there are so many highs. I have to be strong and resilient.

I won't ever let the sun go down on me.

Amen.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh baby this love ain't gone be perfect,
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight long as everything is alright between us before we go to sleep...

I know sometimes it's gonna rain,
But baby can we make up now
cause' I can't sleep through the pain
girl I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

~ Ne Yo

Today My Life Begins - Bruno Mars

I've been working hard so long

Seems like pain has been my only friend

My fragile heart's been done so wrong

I wondered if I'd ever heal again

Oh just like all the seasons never stay the same

All around me I can feel a change (ohh)

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting it's mine for the takin

I know i can make it, today my life begins

Yesterday has come and gone

And I've learnt how to leave it where it is

And I see that I was wrong

For ever doubting I could win

Oh just like all the seasons never stay the same

All around me I can feel a change (ohh)

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting it's mine for the takin

I know i can make it, today my life begins

Life's to short to have regrets

so I'm learning now to leave it in the past and try to forget

Only have one life to live

So you better make the best of it

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting it's mine for the takin

I know i can make it, today my life begins

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

Leave the past behind me, today my life begins

A whole new world is waiting it's mine for the takin

I know i can make it, today my life begins

Today my life begins...

Lockdown: Day 10

Hurt. Cross. Cold hands. Halo. Shallow.

Frayed. Frazzled. Fig. Fawn.

Music. Empty. Bells. Trumpets. Silence.

Bleak. Lonely. Face. Fade. Light. Wilderness.

Left. Soulless. My all.

Hero.

Day 10

Lockdown: Day 9

Rage. Burning. Thirst. Sin. Sigh.

Forlorn. Weary. Dusk. Flummoxed. Scandalous.

Expunge. Cut. Evidence. Break. Fly away.

Love. Hate. Lust. Date.

Stare. Locks. Weed. Fallen. Angel.

Rise up.

Day 9 

Lockdown: Day 8

Mad. Nothing. Rain. Pain. You. Me.

Happy. Her. Him.

Unstable. Fragments. Gone.

Prayers. Voiceless. Faith. Upheaval. Hopeless/

Undead.

Day 8

Lockdown: Day 5, 6 & 7

Subsiding. Listless. Moments. Frozen. Crossroads. Pathway.

Speechless. Time. Lucky. Standing small. Hidden. Truth. Pain.

Race. Eyes. Beauty. Skin. Lies.

Unattainable. Rumours. Barbed wires. Bleeding.

Lust. Thief. Hate.

Rusted.

Day 5, 6 & 7

Eternal Pain

Another sleepless night

Another haunting sight

Still trying to understand

Where I come from, who I am

Guess I’m just outta line

What am I doing wrong Lord?

How do I go about fixing the pipe?

When will the leak get plugged, when will the clear water flow?

Do I wait from dawn to dusk, from dusk to night?

Tired of the pain and the hurt

Tired of the lies and the skirts

Tired of the scars and the pills

Tired of it all, they’re just making me ill

I’m drunk, I’m crushing on you

I’m drunk, I hate admitting it, but I think I like you

I’m drunk, but I feel you,

I’m drunk, I think I love you

I’m drunk, so don’t tell anyone or I’mma shoot you

Don’t care anymore cause I’m done with this shit

My rhymes suicidal, are you getting my drift?

The challenge ruins my beat, but im’ma make it work

Or forever gonna hold my peace, by lying face down, down in the dirt

~CBS~

Lockdown: Day 3 & 4

Shitfaced. Strength. Weak. Endless listlessness. Sick. Insane.

Inner self. Irreplaceable. Deprived. Questions. No answers.

Fool of a Took. Balance.

Judgement. Violence. Miller.

Valleys. Loneliness. Escape.

No way. No how. No more.

ArrivedercI

Lockdown: Day 2

Numb. Speechless. Miller. Fried. Runaway. Hide. Nothing.

Smiled. Forgiven, not forgotten. Draining. Emptying.

Sleepless days and nights. Wasted times. Workload. Overload.

Trying to remember. Blocked escape.

Hope.

Day 2

Lockdown: Day 1

Tired. Sleepless night. Incoherent thoughts. Just too many dead ends. Scattered. Everywhere.

Prayer. Calm. Silence. Wonder and awe.

The past. The present. The future.

Remembering to count my blessings. Painful. Trying not to question.

Peace. How much more???? Wasted day, wasted night. Lost.

Day 1.

Let's start at the very beginning...

Huge Sound of Music fan. Honestly, never knew how much Maria influenced me till I started watching the film with my grandmother every night for three weeks. A friend sent this version of the popular tune - Do, Re, Me... Enjoy!

Dough, with which I buy my beer


Ray, the guy I buy my beer from

Me, the guy I buy beer for

Far, the distance to the store

So, I think I'll have a beer

La, lalalalalalalalala!!!

Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer

That will bring us back to....
 
:D

My Tryst with Destiny

God I love the sweet taste of India
Lingers on the tip of my tongue
Gotta love the sweet taste of India
Blame it on the beat of the drum

- Aerosmith

Two years ago, I made a tryst with destiny, and now the time comes when I shall redeem my pledge, not wholly or in full measure, but very substantially. At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, I will awake to life and freedom.

A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new, when an age ends, and when the soul, long suppressed, finds utterance.

Powerful evocative words. If these words don't resonate what I feel everyday, every single waking moment of being back in India then I believe the next prose completes me...

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, Yo!
You can do anything you set your mind to, man.

- Eminem

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank the Top Guy for giving me his best gift of all - the choice - to stay in Canada or return to India. 'Opportunity of a lifetime' was what I was fed night and day by the good folks at home, the friendly bits and pieces of advice given by high and sundry. Yet to me it was a shaky move, my love for my family, my friends and my country versus the option of going into the unknown.

I was not ready. I never was to be honest. Many have claimed that I am not open to change. I am, albeit in bits and farts. But no, I will not agree to a monumental uprootment that ultimately questions who I am and my ethics and moral values. I'm sorry but that's not me.

Two years ago, the choice to relocate to a country where the sun barely shone was a disaster there in itself. If you know me, I am a child of Surya. I need my natural dose of vitamin D every single day. I wake up to the sun's rays sparkling in my eyes, I walk out of my lane and look to the heaven's praising Him for the glorious day he has given me, with this huge smile on my lips and my heart singing for joy as I start a new day.

And I chose to walk in the darkness with my eyes open.

Being in Canada, I regretted leaving the only place I can call home. Bitterly regretted it. Wasted time shedding unnecessary tears over why me, WTF, how could I have been such an ass, blah-blee-blu. Whined till I got over all the tears, anger, frustration and pulling of hair until I thought I'd go insane. Honest. There were times when I did think I was going cuckoo with all the talking I did to the budgies, rabbits, squirrels, groundhogs, flowers not to forget the four corners of my room and the extreme amounts of thinking I normally undertook to-and-fro from work and school (college).

But the healing began long before I think I was even ready. I changed - whether for better or worse, that is an opinion but since I am such a positive person (lol) I'd truly like to say Canada did help me become something or rather someone. Sometimes I find our choices - whether conscious or unconscious, help define us. I like to think so because that choice to study in Canada helped open a whole Pandora’s box/can of worms regarding things, people, thoughts that I didn't want to dwell on too much for fear of dealing with them.

But yet the amount of spare time I had in Canada helped me heal in bits and pieces. Helped me ask myself those tough questions which I kept pushing away, swallowing them whole, preferring to hurt rather than look at my scars in the eye and firmly let them go.

So at the end of the day, I guess it all boils down to what you want from life. I made my choice and I came home. And boy has it been one rollercoaster ride after the next. I mean to see people disappointed that I do not have an accent to regaling them with my life-experiences (if I may call it that) of living abroad to talking about the similarities and differences of both countries, I think I can safely say, Canada is no longer a regret.

It was another journey, another part of my life which I am glad I went through because it shaped me in a positive way. What has Canada taught me? - I am not perfect but I did learn:

- Family - Toughest lesson of all, but you always gotta stick with family. No matter what, blood is blood. I know how one track minded I can be and I also know I am not the easiest person to live with. You put up with me and my wildness for two years. Thank you for looking after a stubborn, tomboyish, crazy in short - girl and helping me grow.

- Humility - After cleaning other peoples shit, sweeping, mopping floors in restaurants and being a "Would you like fries with that" $10-an-hour 'glorified' waitress, I have begun to appreciate our sweepers and washroom cleaners not to forget our good friends at McDonalds. Thank you for making me eat humble pie.

- Mannerisms - I'd like to think I have always been polite. Now I am just thankful and grateful all the time. I learned that saying thank you doesn't cost much, saying sorry even less. So now everyday I see to it that the bus conductor, lady who cleans the washrooms in the office, the sweeper, watchman, rickshaw driver, anyone actually gets one big binaca smile from me. And it's amazing what a smile can do, its even more amazing when people smile back. Thank you to the people in Canada for teaching me that.

- Walking tall - Have you ever noticed how Indian women hunch and walk. I mean I always have been walking like that, kind of like trying to blend in with the hunchback crowd of women. We really have been acting like the inferior sex for too long. So now I walk the talk, chest out, head held high and look any man in the eye. Thank you to the women of Canada who reminded me that I am equal to the complimentary sex.

- Silence - The joy of being quiet has never been a favourite of mine maybe, because I can't shut up most of the time. But I did learn to listen to the sounds of silence, as my boys Simon & Garfunkel would say. During winter especially, the silence is the loudest and the stillness encompasses you in such a way that you become part of the landscape and are aware of every single cough or sigh. Thank you to Mother Nature Canada and all the flora and fauna who kept me company during my quiet times.

- Prayer - Found me again. There were times when I was lost, and I mean LOST, as in taking wrong buses, subways, basically I have zero sense of direction. Anyway, lost within myself and He reminded me to never give up, but to rise up against all odds. Glad to say but I heard Him loud and clear in those silent moments always walking by my side and always ALWAYS looking after me. Thank you Jesus.

- Friendship – I know I bitched like crazy about Canada and I think I always will but I really will not forget the friendships I forged out there. I found acceptance from people so different than me, that I felt blessed. From my classmates to my colleagues at work to the bus drivers who loved sharing their life stories with a stranger and who in turn would reciprocate by talking about her two-cent take on life. Thank you Ravinder, Maria, Erin, Karen, Nolan, Jordan, Maciej, Brad, Sari, Christine, Theresa, Angela, Simran, Vicky, Laura, Kelly, Tamara and family, Crysler and family, the bus driver who’s name I cannot remember but the face is etched in my paltry brain. So many of you left a scar (scars stay forever so…) and I just want to say - you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

- Dreams – To all those who told me that they were waiting for me to come back home. Who kept me alive through images gone by, through kind words, through the few calls they could make, to playing the guitar for me and singing with me, who came on web chat and showed me their babies, who cried with me, who smiled with me, who bitched with me, laughed with me, but who were always around when I wanted a quick word. Thank you.

Back to reality

Two years ago… Wow.

It’s hilarious at times and I do feel awful that I can barely remember Canada. Then again if you know me well, you’d know I have poor memory and can barely remember my own name (re: Frost)

This time last year I was scouring the packed lanes of Dharavi hunting for my story and family for the documentary I was working on. I felt alive. ALIVE. I mean I could scream right now at the amount of built-up excitement is there in me!!!!!!

ALIVE

*breathe*

I can honestly say this year, 2010 has been the best year of my life. I can honestly say I have lived life to the fullest and given it my all. Dad’s heart attack and mom being hospitalized made me realize how precious life is.

I hope and pray the journey from now on helps me be a better ME.

I would like to end again with Pandit Jawaharlal’s famous speech, the night we got Independence.

"It is fitting that at this solemn moment I take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people and to the still larger cause of humanity.

... And to India, my much-loved motherland, the ancient, the eternal and the ever-new, I pay my reverent homage and bind myself afresh to her service."

Jai Hind!

The other woman

She always knew she was special. Always.

She was never in denial of the fact that whatever she wanted, whatever she touched was hers. Hers to own, hers to hold, hers to care for.

But never whoever she touched. Never.

She knew from the very beginning He would give her anything and everything possible in His infinite wisdom and understanding. Yet, he decided to leave that one gift out.

Well not exactly left out. He gave her so much of the gift that she couldn't hold it or contain it. So she shared, or tried to share. She gave always, never holding back.

Maybe that is what ultimately led to her downfall.

The gift, that was her... and yet never was.

She felt over powered and over consumed by it often, that there were times she was afraid. Afraid people would see the power and hide or run away or use, abuse and laugh at her gift... before walking away.

While she tried always to give her gift to those who needed it the most, she knew it was never enough. It was never hers to give most of the time. People would just take what they wanted and discard her and her gift, like they discarded cigarette buds.

She didn't envy her friends who had the gift between themselves. She was happy that they could share it.

The problem somehow was every time she tried to give the gift to one person, there were always complications. She always tried giving the gift to the wrong person. Not the wrong person, just the wrong kind/type of person. People she knew who would never understand her, where she came from, what she  stood for and why she wanted to give them her gift.

Seems like a waste you know. Such a gift. I mean, there were people who wanted her and her gift. But she just couldn't commit to them, knowing heart of hearts - her gift was not for them.

So she ended up giving her gift to all the wrong people leaving a trace of her gift always behind. And after she made her mistake the numbness would seep in, filling the void, erasing the gift for a while, till she woke up from her slumber, rejuvenated and alive.

But during those hours of darkness, she will always remain... the other woman.

------

River's edge, so quiet and full of potential
With weeping trees and just enough nightfall
To cover up the strays
I can hear boats in the distance
Making saviours out of ordinary people


River's edge you're all that I have
And a night filled with promises
And just enough nightfall to cover up the strays


~ Great Lake Swimmers

While my guitar gently weeps...

I want a snowfall kind of love

The kind of love that quiets the world

I want a snowfall kind of love

Cause I'm a snowfall kind of girl

I want a snowfall kind of love

That lights up the sky from below

I want a snowfall kind of love

That brings people to their window

Won't you bury me in your quiet love?

Oh bury me in your quiet love

Oh bury me in your quiet love

And we will blow away

I want a snowfall kind of love

The kind of love that keeps you in bed all day

Oh I want to look through with you

And watch it all melt away

Won't you bury me in your quiet love?

Oh bury me in your quiet love

Oh bury me in your quiet love

And we will blow away

~ Ingrid Michaelson

Are you angry, Mama?

Are you angry, mama?

Rain, rain why won't you go away? Little Chelsea would like to go for a walk today!

It's been raining pellets for over three months now, and there are times, when I am at my brooding best, wondering if God is angry. Well it just feels that way, you know. Lightning, thunder, heavy downpour... as if at any moment, the Earth will come to a halt. But imagine a population of 1.25 billion plus ants coming to a stop. Would seem unlikely right?

Whenever you’re out and about this larger-than-life city, do you see and I mean really 'look'? If not, take a pause now and then, when you're sitting in your car at a traffic light, or when you’re waiting for a train to come. Just look around and what do you take in? Do you observe the pain and suffering going on in those less fortunate than us?

I question. Aren't we all God's children? Hasn't He said - Love one another as I have loved you? Somehow I see a lot more hating than a lot more loving. Makes you wonder - if you're one of those people who takes the time out to 'wonder' - when will it all cease to exist. When will we stop making mothers and babies cry, while men sigh silently and look away. When will we heed nature’s war cry while her womb is stripped bare and dry. When...

As far as I can remember I have always called Nature - Mother Earth. In India we haven't really been taught to love and nurture nature. For a country so plentiful in everything, we have learned to take our abundant supply of the goodness of her bounty for granted. Take food for example. Inflation is what, 10% plus? When was the last time you saw a news piece of how the grains in our godowns are being feasted upon by roaches and rats? When was the last time you read about farmer suicides? When was the last time you read about drought and starvation?

In a certain way it does feel as if all these flash floods, tornadoes, El Nino's, earthquakes, are a sign for our time. A sign maybe telling people to wake up to the fact that we are exploiting Mother Earth to her bone. Telling us maybe we really are sucking out way too much marrow. Leaving just figs and leaves. In my mind, I really believe Mother Earth isn't punishing us, or threatening us. How about just cleansing us?

Stories appearing in the papers everyday about how some conglomerate or the other, whether domestic or international is eating away our land. With international avenues drying up, the rich fertile lands of India are today prime targets for land acquisition. What does our government do?

Sleep.

What irritates me is how low people can stoop or even how low people can turn a blind eye to the stench of corruption that plagues our nation. Why do we wait for reports and court order judgments when blatant corruption is caught on tape? Why are the rich allowed to post bail when they commit fraud? Why are people in positions of power always ALWAYS allowed to escape courts because they get medical ailments ONLY after they siphon off crores? Why is it that our press is spineless as to not dig deeper, and get more details? Why are we stuck on PR and Bollywood and Cricket?

What are my options again?

The time is going to come and soon for people to stand up and face up to reality. Every time we turn a blind eye, there is someone getting raped and murdered. Every time we glance away, someone's home is bulldozed or we lose an entire culture and civilization because land is cleared off, of 'so-called' encroachment by tribals or as I like to look at them the indigenous people of our rich heritage. Every time we look away, someone is stealing tax payer’s money; someone is robbing the poor and making themselves even more wealthy.

Every time.

"If we cannot love the person whom we see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see..."

Mother Teresa

Words that shape my World

How we respond to what God asks will define our lives and our world. The choice is ours. - Fr. Joseph Langford.

I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do. - Helen Keller

It is hard to interest those who have everything in those who have nothing.- Helen Keller

Scars are there to remind us where we have been, but they do not have to dictate where we are going. - David Rossi

Your friendship can't satisfy me, Anne. I want your love -- and you tell me I can never have that. - Gilbert Blythe

Is this drain on public funds for the greater common good? How can we forget that we could have established primary schools and health centres in tens of thousands of villages? Can we ignore this splurge the next time a malnourished child looks at us in the eye? - Azim Premji (On the Commonwealth Games 2010)

Back to School!

A pilot project…

Or a pilot thought because I am still thinking things through.

[Image]Let me start by saying this post is only for those who:

-  Cringe internally every time they see a beggar child on the street. You want to give something, not money, but something that will bring about a change in that child’s life

-  Cringe internally every time a child sweeps their compartment in the train, you feel like strangling someone, not the child but maybe the government for not doing enough

-  Cringe internally every time you see an adult begging while holding a child who looks like he’s been slammed against a wall with a huge bloody wound wrapped in gauze

- Cringe internally that after seeing scenes like this daily you wonder what it would take to do something, you think you will do something for sure, right after you get their life sorted out-          

But that day never comes…

Here’s the deal.

Let’s say you don’t trust today’s NGOs or social service organizations because you don’t think the money really filters down to the people who need it (I know I suffer from this disease)

So I put on my thinking cap, sat in the train for 45 minutes while watching an able bodied 7 yr-old sweep the second class Churchgate bound compartment clean. Why isn’t he in school? I mean isn’t education now a fundamental right? So what do I do, what can I do, what should I do?

Second incident which got me thinking – we have a really nice kid who works at the office canteen. So I had some spare time to kill and while he was serving me some sev puri I asked him the usual questions, where you from, what do your folks do, how old are you?

So when I learned he didn’t know how old he was I got visibly upset. Here was a kid with no birth certificate, who definitely was underage to be working almost 12 hours, six days a week and making less than five grand a month. Inhumane, yet he worked with a smile.

So I called up an NGO (CHILDLINE 1098) and found out details about how I could get this kid to school since he said he regretted dropping out of school. You can put in a minimum amount to cover his expenses such as buy him stationery and a uniform. But most of all you give him an opportunity rather a choice to make him take his life forward. When I looked at it as an investment, a human investment, it brought an even greater feeling than the monetary investments I keep making.

It’s not as easy as it seems. You become a kind of Godparent to the kid and try and take it forward even more by doing something else for him, but with no expectations. I think that is the best gift of all.

So my idea ideally is you don’t have to be part of a mass movement or a formal group of people trying to change the world. You can make a small difference in your own little way. For me it’s about kids. For you it may be animals or the environment or even human rights. But by making time out from your hectic schedule to do something you normally would think about but never dream of doing it really makes a life altering change. Once you start you may never want to stop.

Just being human nowadays is tough and I get that. If by being an educated human is tough try and imagine what it must be for someone who lacks the opportunities we get, who has not been given the right to choose for himself or herself but has circumstances making those life altering decisions.

It never ends. It will never end. This is just the beginning.

Keep your pennies, I want change.

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me.”

Matthew 25: 35-46

The Walking Dead

Lifeless.

Really. Don't know where to start. Don't even know how it's ended up this way. Just to boggled by people's ability to be so blinded, to be so 'into' themselves that they don't care who they hurt on the road to glory.

Work is a monster right now. I am just a small rabbit in this hell-hole and I still need to figure out how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Red or Blue, which pill to choose?

Either way, you lose.

~ Keep your Pennies, I want Change ~

Too little too late

Im not a princess
This aint a fairytale
Im not the one you'll sweep off her feet lead her up the stairwell
This aint Hollywood
This is a small town
I wuz a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your white horse to come around

- Taylor Swift - 'White Horse'

I do not care how many of us red blooded women deny it, we are all waiting for that fairy tale ending. Even if it's a simple one, it has to resemble that idea in our mind that we want, no need - and  that is to be loved.

We all love celebrities right? OK Tom Cruise is ancient, but what about Bradley Cooper *hang ALL over me*, Christian Bale *you can drop down and give me twenty anytime honey*, this is the best I can come up with right now with my caffeine induced lack of sleep. But this is the best time to think about such things.

But there is compromise somewhere. And when I say compromise, I mean MAJOR compromise from our side. I'm sure guys would say the same thing. To look like a James McAvoy you'd have to bench press all day where our Indian men are concerned. The best or worst is I wont settle for second best. I know what I want out of life. I know who I am (finally) and who I want (I'm almost getting there) but you can never be sure can you? 

OK so I have reached quarter of a century. The top guy wants me to have everything BUT love. He wants me to be a loner. And I can safely say I accept that. I don't feel bad anymore when people are kissing in public places, I don't barf anymore when people with their gooey eyes go I LOVE YOU.... heck  I dont even gag when they do the traditional kiss under the centerpiece at weddings. It's all tradition and I am all down with all this BS, because I have accepted what I can't have. So now at peace.

So I may not be a princess and this is no fairytale or Hollywood story, it is not even what I envisaged my life to be at 25, but it's the best that I could come up with. No regrets!

Had a bad day...

Woke up in the morning feeling like a P**** of S***. Yeah one of those days.

Gulped down a glass of milk and raw egg (I like them dont you???) and ran for the bus.

I really should get into astrology or reading signs or whatever it is you call it because things went wrong and HOW!!!

Stopped a BEST bus by jumping in front of it... driver was kind enough to stop, not to mention let me get in from the front. As I took the first step, my shoe got left behind... had to make him stop the bus, get off, wear the shoe and get back in. Well I have my moments of ten second humiliation at 7:30 am once in a while...

I should have guessed there and then that the earth and me were working on two different time zones.

Scene 1: Its 7:45 am and I am about to enter Goregaon station when this jack ass walks ahead of me whispering sweetly in my ear - "Hi kya lagti hain re." I lost it. I lost it so bad that I was yelling and wacking him at the same time. Then I did something stupid. I cringed when he raised his hand in a threatening way. I mean how could I have bloody cringed??? I got even more mad and started using my vocalizer to the maximum along with adding a couple of more wacks... Transcript of me yelling " Ran** teri maa hogi, behen hogi... khandhan hoga... saalla C******, Mata****... " well you get the picture. He kept yelling back some of his choicest words. Goes to show how you can be a vixen one second and a bitch the next.

I ran for the 7:50 am train shaking and grumbling, wishing I had involved the cops who I notice never seem to be around when I need them... Wonder of wonders I am in time for the 7:44 am fast train. At least something is going for me... Spoke too soon...

Scene 2: I ran to the fourth platform waiting for the "Platform number char par aayi hui local saath bhajkar 44 minutes (lol) Churchgate jaane waali barah dibogi jalat local hain, yeah local Andheri se Bandra, Bandra se Dadar, Dadar se Mumbai Central ke beech kisi bhi sthanako pe nahi rukhegi" - THANK YOU THANK YOU to all those who understood my hindi :D

The train arrives. For some stupid reason I decide to keep my specs on. I never do that. And like the professional I am I go right in front to jump into the train to get a good fourth seat WHILE the train is still halting. Yeah, didnt work that way today. First off, I got all entangled with that rod in the middle of the compartment door. Secondly, one lady happened to wack my specs askew bending it. Thirdly, my shoe falls under the train.

And I go "My shoe!!!" So one woman who I was conveniently blocking yells back "who cares... MOVE!" Dejectedly and temper tantrum ready I yell back after I am standing alone on the platform "Yeah, well why dont you go to work with just one shoe for a change you B****". Gosh my language...lol. Yeah I wanted to yell something like "Now go and say your prayers like a hypocrite... but that thought came only later man... dang it!" The lady in question however looked at me angrily while the train exited the platform.


Scene 3: The shoe. Now anyone who travels by Mumbai's trains knows what a railway station and their tracks look like. For those who dont, imagine a platform having spit and paan stains all over the platform and the tracks having an overload of said spit and paan along with garbage. I did not even bother to look out and check if another train was on its way... A train knocking me would have been better than me having to go and get my shoe from the filth. So with a huge sigh and a grumpy face I got to the edge of the platform. Since I am not that young anymore I put both hands down at the edge (BLUCH) and got down on the track (PUKE). Wore my shoe. And with an even bigger 'I should drop dead right now' look I placed both my hands back on the platform and pushed myself up.

God I hated Indian men who THINK women are oggling items and Walmart Canada for the loose shoe fiasco. I did feel sad though for my one and only faithful pair of glasses which has been with me for over six years not to mention travelled with me across continents.

After that I just gave up. Let His will be done... anymore hitches and I'd just stab myself in the eye with the bent handle of my specs. But things were smooth sailing after that.

Yeah hell hath no fury when I lose my temper. I need to learn some Jujitsu maybe even Taekwondo. Can't even depend on pandus now a days. BAH!!!!!!

The Apple of my Eye

Cheechu was just a week old when we got him from the lush greenery that encompasses Assisi Bhavan. When he first joined our household he was this small fur ball, with big gooey eyes, long bushy tail and who was as cute as a button. By the way Cheechu is my pet squirrel if in case you haven’t figured that out.

The gardeners of the old age home placed him in this size eight shoe box where he slept day and night. Dad and I would take turns feeding him a spoonful of milk containing two cubes of sugar. He loved it. Then he’d curl up in the palm of our hands with his tail hiding his face and body and snore. Adorable.

It is so easy to love animals. Anyone who ever had a pet or who has a pet will know what I am talking about. Their love is unconditional, absolute and never-ending. Cheechu is one of those animals whose sole purpose in life is to eat anytime and anything, he never says no to food, although he turns up his nose if you offer him the same food twice. He likes variety you know. The initial two weeks, his dietary consumption changed drastically from milk to caffeine and from white rice to biryani with a little vindaloo curry for flavouring. Pure-vegetarian, one always wonders how he came to be part of a pure non-vegetarian family.

But from the first moment we looked into his coal dark eyes, he stole our heart, mind, soul. He is quick footed and loves disappearing into my dad’s prized coriander plants. We find him fifteen minutes later paw deep in mud with a leaf dangling from his mouth completely guilty, with dad bellowing CHHHHEEECCHHHUUUUU… lol. Well after he gets a few fatkas on his mouth he stays grumpy for exactly five seconds. I swear the guy has such awful memory, in the sixth second he is running around doing his business as if nothing happened.

His favourite hobbies are making number one and two on laptops, eating cigarette buds out of ashtrays, nibbling at novels or sharpening his teeth on the border, hanging upside down from the curtain while yawning and stretching. He knows he either is doing something wrong or has done something wrong when we call out his name, that he will give this pious angelic look which says ‘Who me, you gotta be kidding???’ I tell you my chipmunk is a first class actor. He knows when to milk it for all its worth.

Take mom for example. She loves him to death, but from afar. I mean she feeds him nonstop warning us not to bring him closer but yet six months of having him be part of the household he already has a paunch. No wonder when we go to work and come back in the evening he turns his nose up in the air as if to say ‘HMPH! I am very angry with you for leaving me home alone’. Then we all spend the next half hour bribing him with grapes and jalebi.

But even before hog fest there is the lad pyaar that he has grown accustomed to from all of us. By nine am he’s awake ringing his Christmas bell till everyone is scrambling to placate him with breakfast. After that he has his power nap for about two hours and then wakes up wanting some love and affection. Now this involves a lot of petting, hugging and kissing. It’s what a mother does to put her cranky new born to sleep. Well Cheechu is that way when he wakes up, he needs a lot of TLC and as soon as you stop, he will open one sleepy eye and give you the ‘Hello, please continue’ look.

To put him to bed at night dad composed a lullaby. He sleeps like a baby for the next eight hours. We all kiss him goodnight and he crawls under his bedding, curls up and closes his eyes.

He really is the apple of my eye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7_Uz8c3q2o