Wingardium Leviosa!

Monday, December 27, 2010

As I close another chapter...

I am so grateful to so many people who have helped shape my fragile world. There are so many things I wish I could say to all of you for being my bra, my support. But honestly, you have made me a better me. I know I have been tough on many but I love openly and I don't set out with the intention of hurting anyone.

So if I have hurt you in the past, leave it in the past. Forgive me for my transgressions and I hope we can move on, on a better note.

Life is complicated, not to forget complex. It's how we make the best of every situation is what differentiates who we are.

I wish everyone a peaceful, hope-filled, lots of love and laughter in 2011. If tears happen to pass by your lane, let them flow and cleanse you and heal you. Don't be ashamed to shed them. Feed on their power and with head held high journey onward.

A Happy New Year 2011

Lots of love and blessings,

Chelsea.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Set me like a seal on your heart


December 5 - 12, 2010

Tough week and a heck of a lot of tough love.

And the hearts all over the world tonight
Said the hearts all over the world tonight

~ Chris Brown

I dunno how I got through it. I dunno how BC, LD, CM, KM and ER got through it either. But I pray and hope they coped better than I did. Because I know how close I was to screaming, screaming hoarse - silently.

Just felt like my hands and feet were tied, my mouth was gagged and I was buried deep within the earth. There was no other way but the highway. Take it and go. And I was so not ready, still am not ready to walk the plank. And I have no doubts that I will never be ready.

I know it's tough to lose the person you love. Okay I lie. I don't know. But I don't wanna know. It would be nice if I conked first, that way I can skip the shit that I know I will go through.

I'm 25 and I can't deal with pain. Dunno what it will feel like at 26 man!

How do the rest do it? I mean smile for effs sake. I love smiling, but days when I wake up feeling like life's  sucked the last breath outta me, I can't give a cracker of a smile even if my life depended on it because my eyes *saala dhokebaaz* fail me every time. They reflect my soul, what I feel, who I am, what I am going through, which is bloody unfair since I mastered the technique of hiding behind a facade.

Now I don't even try. Wimp.

I have not really attempted to search for the answers but I hope this new year I set forth to seek the hands that heal and the words that will comfort me.

Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am unworthy and ungrateful, but I try to be the best you made me. Remind me of this in my moments of doubts, unworthiness and self-esteem blues.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The 'M' Factor

Everything about me has changed... From my bob cut hair-do to my small yet prominent paunch, from a happy-go-lucky-carefree girl to an often silent and lost woman now.

I'm an adult - and not so thrilled about it.

Remember when you were five-years old and you just couldn’t wait to grow up? You always waited for a chance for someone to ask you how old you were and standing erect with your head high, you would utter, "I am almost five-and-a-half going to be six-years soon!"

I remember saying stuff like that. I also remember starting college and everybody wanting to do the coolest ‘in thing’ at that age - hang out at clubs. All  of us wanted to enter the place but you had to look 18, right? At five-feet nothing, with pimples, you're definitely not 18!

Yet, here I am, 10-years later, panicking! Let’s not talk about my allergic reactions bordering on occasional rash breakouts at the thought of reaching 30... *arrgh* And then you have the usual "Susie just got engaged!" and "Have you heard the good news - Mary had a baby boy!" Well Mary could give birth to a little lamb and I would still run as fast as my 25-year-old legs could to get away from that conversation!

Other than Big Boss, the hot debate/gossip/topic at this stage of our young adult lives is – Marriage.

I have a lot of girlfriends and boyfriends (boys who are friend’s dad) whose parents I think were just waiting for that day, ever since their little bundle of joy crossed puberty, to talk about how they were going to find a nice boy/girl (what does ‘nice’ mean anyway?). Now I know a lot of nice boys and girls. And plenty of them agree with me that they will tie the knot, as and when they are ready to settle down and become baby producing machines.

Okay, before I go on, let me clarify – I am NOT against people getting married. Heck, I have my wedding dress design ready and the names of my four kids (two borne by me and two adopted of course) all ready. Only the tall, fair and handsome part is missing from the equation.

All I am saying is give us a chance.  Let us make that once in a lifetime decision with your blessings and approval of course. But let us choose for ourselves. Don’t pressurize us to do something we might end up regretting. The blame-game is something most of us would like to avoid with our lives as complex as it is.

A friend of mine recently told me how his parents wanted him to marry a doctor or an MBA, basically any woman who was rolling in money. I was stunned. I have known him and his family forever. While he says he is happily single for now, he just doesn’t understand this term – come from a well-to-do family. The question I am itching to ask his parents - Does money really buy happiness? You tell me.

Arranged marriages work, don’t get me wrong. A couple of friends have told me how they fell in love with their life partner. Well, good for you. Your parents picked a winner! Same goes for those who fall in love and you introduce your future partners to the good folks at home and it works out beautifully. You clicked and the rest as they say is history.

That means it takes two to tango. Today, finding that partner to tango with all the way down the aisle and for life, is tough, especially, when you have a lot of variety, in terms of dancing styles and partners.

Some of us want to stay single, some want to study further, some want to explore the world and then settle down, join the religious, some want to work for awhile and then give up their job to raise a family.

This is not the 1970’s where saying ‘I do’ was the most exciting part of your existence, where settling down and starting a family was the be all and end all of life, where who your parents chose was ‘The One.’

My little rant is basically asking parents to take a step back and not put undue pressure in making their young adults get into something they may not be ready for. Other than that, call me for the wedding!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Hello darkness my old friend...

Hold my Hand
I promise that I'll do all I can
Things will get better
If you just hold my hand
Nothing can come between us
If you just hold my hand

MJ & Akon

Death is no more the beginning or the end. Touch and go moments. I am dying inside and I can't do anything anymore. Zapped out of strength. Just waiting. Praying and waiting. Lost in limbo and living in a trance-like state. Smiling for the heck of it, grinning cause I have nothing else to do, nothing left to lose if I lose you.

Hate this feeling. Dark times. Looking within but finding little solace. It's been a tough week all around yet there are has been no easing in the pain.

Help me pull through. Help me learn to let go. I know I struck a plea-bargain with You two years ago. Please, I beg thee please don't take her away from me.

Please.

But let Your will be done.

Hold my Hand. I won't ever let you go.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

From a Million Dollar Man to his Gran Torino... Your biggest fan.

Well maybe not biggest fan. Hope to learn more about your work and films and hope that I follow my heart just the way you have. Have been reading a few quotes and wanted to pen them down for future reference (Re: In times of depression & loneliness)

Without sounding like a pseudointellectual dipshit, it's my responsibility to be true to myself. If it works for me, it's right.

I don't like the wimp syndrome. No matter how ardent a feminist may be, if she is a heterosexual female, she wants the strength of a male companion as well as the sensitivity.

There's a rebel lying deep in my soul. Anytime anybody tells me the trend is such and such, I go the opposite direction. I hate the idea of trends. I hate imitation; I have a reverence for individuality. I got where I am by coming off the wall. I've always considered myself too individualistic to be either right-wing or left-wing.

I think kids are natural actors. You watch most kids; if they don't have a toy they'll pick up a stick and make a toy out of it. Kids will daydream all the time.

Plastic surgery used to be a thing where older people would try to go into this dream world of being 28 years old again. But now, in Hollywood, even people at 28 are having work done. Society has made us believe you should look like an 18-year-old model all your life. But I figure I might as well just be what I am.

People have lost their sense of humor. In former times we constantly made jokes about different races. You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth or you will be insulted as a racist. I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a 'Sam the Jew' or 'Jose the Mexican' - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist thought. It was just normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don't want to be politically correct. We're all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.

On a possible return to acting after saying he was giving it up with Gran Torino (2008)] I'm like Jaws 2 (1978): "Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water..."

[On death] I don't think older people think about it that much, my mother was 97. She passed away a few years back. The only thing she ever said to me, toward the last, she said, 'I want out of here, I am tired.' And I said 'No, no, three more years. We get the century mark.' I figured I could coax her into more after that, but when she finally did pass away, she couldn't talk because she had had a stroke. They said do you want to be resuscitated for while, and she said 'no.' So, I had to grant her that wish. She had no fear and I think as you get older -- you probably have more fear as a younger person than you do as an older person. Because as an older person you have stacked up a lot of background and time-in-grade, so to speak, so you are probably thinking what the hell 'I have had a good time.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Choking on a dream

Tell me your secrets
Tell me your dreams
Tell me how we could make this work
Leave nothing in-between

Right or wrong I forget
There was nothing there to prove
It's not like I was a real threat
Just your muse, just a tool

Friday, December 3, 2010

Batti Bandh 2010!

2010 is coming to a close soon.

Last December the youth of St Joseph Parish, Goregaon East got together at Assisi Bhavan to spread the word that switching off lights for an hour is GOOD!

'Batti Bandh' or 'Mumbai Unplug' is an initiative by people like you and me, the common folk of our country, to step up the battle to give generations ahead of us a future.

On December 11, 2010, I request all of you to switch of your lights for an hour - from 7:30 to 8:30 - to mark solidarity with those supporting the cause to save electricity. IF you can spread the word amongst family and friends that is a start. Put up notices in your buildings, complexes, talk about the initiative on twitter, orkut or any other social networking site that you are on... blog about it!!!

The kids of Shuchidham complex, took up the initiative to spread the word. We spent 3 hours making charts. They were really enthusiastic about the project and parents came out to support us. (They still think I am a kid :D)

Mother Nature and ME will love you till death parts us :D

BATTI BANDH!!! UNPLUG MUMBAI!!!