Maiden mother...

Took Chelson to say goodbye to nana. Dad, uncle Colin and me... Spent time praying together, trying to light the candles with an uncooperative wind, and singing her favourite hymns -- "What a friend we have in Jesus" and "Maie Mujhe"

Maiden mother always chokes us.. she had this beautiful way of singing it which brought you to your knees because her heart was pure and filled with love for our Heavenly Mother every single time she sang it.

My heart's missing a couple of beats every day since she passed away. But it's also slowly beginning to take into account the preparation I'd done to remember that she lived a glorious life and she was always surrounded by those who loved her the most. But if I could turn back the clock, I'd gladly give up my life for hers. She filled our existence with her being. For that I will always be grateful.

From Sole to Soul

It's been three days since your funeral and we're still trying to find our way out through this huge void you've left us in. Your spirit is ever present, your memories even more so.

We constantly are breaking out into a: Nana use to do... Or, Nana always would...

It's brought us aunts, uncles, cousins, closer. Nana is to thank for that. Everyone who's offered condolence has such beautiful memories of her.

In her own simple and small way she touched those she met. She imprinted us all with her humour, her love for hymns, her temper, her funnies without meaning to be funny.

Papa said the other day, that grandpa would have shouted at her up in heaven, saying it took you 42 years to come to me! 42 years... She was alone but not really alone, I'd contest. He left her in brilliant hands. And we hope he agrees.

As we all reminise about our special moments with nana, Lord, in all that isigood and Holy, give us the strength and courage to tide through these rough waters.

Always. Amen.

"Have you eaten, pinchu?"

This simple question has always had a profound impact in my life. Because every time I heard my nana ask me this as I served her a meal, I'd have a lump in my throat. To have someone who was gradually sinking into dementia for over a decade, - ask her grandchild every single time, if she'd eaten first, there's a lot of learning and love in those three words, if you ponder over them.

What made nana so special and wonderful? For me it was her elegance. She always looked the picture of health and grace. But then she also threw these brilliant punches when you least expected one.

For example, when Chelson came down from Canada, he had dreadlocks back then and if she was in a bad mood she'd shout: Lucifer begone! at him, if he came too close. I was called Tramp because I used to wear bum shorts. It was hilarious!

During our growing up years she instilled in us virtues of kindness, humbleness, simplicity... but more than anything, to be good human beings. She also tried teaching me knitting, sewing, how to be lady like. She finally gave up.

My favourite time with her was when I'd give her a pedicure and manicure - she'd be sitting and reading the paper and I'd have Jim Reeves' Bimbo play in the background and she'd be humming along. I dunno if you've ever had the privilege to hear her sing -- she loved music and loved to lift people with her voice.

The three people she recognised in a heartbeat were Amitabh Bachchan, Jim Reeves and Pope John Paul II. In fact if you showed her a photograph of the Pope, she'd always say: Arre, he's my cousin from Mangalore!

The story of my nana wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention her culinary skills. She was a bomb of a cook and you couldn't beat her chicken curry, fish curry, scotch eggs, parathas or her baking.

As a child I remember she was always up and about at 6am, forcing chelson and me to say our prayers at that unGodly hour, have breakfast and we'd have to really impress upon her to let us snooze a little more. And 6pm she wanted chelson and me to be back inside, come what may. It really felt criminal, almost like jail when we'd be looking out of the grill of her 3rd floor home and there's kids screaming and we both were inside.

I truly believe that if you're blessed to have a grandparent mold your foundation... your very core will be on track for life. For 33 years, my grandmother has shaped me, my decisions, my choices and not once have I ever regretted even one of them.

Nana brought chelson and me up in the faith, but more importantly, she brought us up to be true to ourselves. To never compromise. To always do the right thing. And that when things didn't go our way -- to leave them in His hands and soldier on.

She wouldn't have made it to 90 without her son, my dad, Ashok. Papa, I cannot tell you how proud I am to call you my father because of what you have done for nana through thick and thin and for the constant sacrifices you have made for the sake of our family -- thank you for being so selfless. All these wonderful people who are here today in solidarity with us, is because of the deep respect and love they have for you and all that you do in Jesus' name.

I also want to offer my gratitude to all those, who, over the years have visited nana, given her communion, have supported us during her time in the hospital and who've kept her and us in their prayers. Merci.

Bibiana Lily Saldanha or Baby as she was fondly known as by her family and friends, was running high on life @ 90. I really expected her to outlive me too! -- her physical strength and resilience were that strong.

It's rare for a grandchild and a grandparent relationship to be so closely knit and long lasting. For me, the singular reason for this was because she was my grandmother, my godmother, my nana, my baby Lily, my nonima, my mummy,... My everything.

She really is, was and will always remain, the apple of my eye.

John Maddox wrote, “We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem “normal”. But THIS, “Emptiness” is how we all feel…all the time.”