So I just remembered that I've actually gone down on one knee and proposed - quarter in jest but saying it with utter faith cause I was in love with him. And there I was - on one bent knee on the grounds of IC Church, Borivali. Jeez. What a day.
Chelson and me are tons different. Look at him and look at me. I thought we resembled a bit like what siblings are supposed to look like but now - he's gone even further ahead than me - in appearance, in career, in travels, in accomplishments. I'm not jealous.. heck I've never been more proud of chidiya than ever. But I'm starting to feel those pangs of all the sacrifices I've made, of all the growing up I had to do, of all the defending I've had to deal with, of the shame that I've felt and the hopelessness that comes with love.
Love I realise at 28, is giving. Never taking. No more - I love you and I love boo. One of the consistent mistakes I've made is letting the handful guys who have the balls to tell me they like me... get close to me. Then they hurt you and desert you, and they'll take your soul if you let them. Oh yes - so don't you let them.
Sometime when I travel in the train with the beats playing, I actually well up when I think about Canada and those cold winter days I had to hold down three jobs, cleaning human poop at the workplace washroom, mopping floors, running for classes, juggling work, taking people's homework home, getting dumped online, all the hand me downs I've worn growing up, learning a term called periods from a friend after I thought I was dying in school, not giving into sooo many things that have tempted me, never taking a chance.
Never taking a fucking chance.
The other day dad talks about his 'pot' taking days in college. I haven't even tried a cigarette. Everyone's done "IT", still doing it, I'm the sinner sitting on the fence. Unsure.
If at 18 I thought I had it all figured out, at 28 I have no fucking clue what's in store even tomorrow.
Everything - just one day at a time.
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