Chelsea gets her licence to kill... courtesy RTO!

The red Santro with the fat cop and his victims

With sweaty palms and knocking knees I stood outside the RTO at Andheri at 12:30 pm waiting for my contact to come pick me up and get this driving licence business over and done with. Honestly, I was sweating in places I didn't even know existed. Maybe, its cause I'm never out in the sun at that time in the afternoon but this was ridiculous. Like a fool I wore a black shirt with jeans. Soaked, as you can imagine.

After coming from Canada and hearing so much about their driving test and how strict it is and how you have to give an exam and all, I expected something like at least a proper driving track to show my skills, or my lack of them.

Lol. I should learn to expect the unexpected in India.

If you've been to the RTO in the last couple of days (I don't know how long it has been like this) but there is no road to practice on, just a lot of rubble, some makeshift housing to accommodate all the scamsters running the RTO and when I say scamsters I mean the cops too...

There was just one cop at that time taking the test and was asking people to drive on first gear and show reverse. If you did that - PASS!

If you drove too fast aur jyada kuch hoshiyari giri kiya... FAIL.

While I stood in the heat adding some more black to my brown... I kept thinking - mera kya hoga? I should have practiced some more reverse. SHIYAT! OMG OMG OMG... Just imagine everyone has told me the test is like kids play. Just like the IELTS. :P

What if I was the first fool to fail at a child's game? I would never be able to live it down. Never. Sob*

While I stood there whining to myself, Middle Man 2 (Middle Man 1 being the guy who was doing my paperwork) asked me for my photographs, looked at them and looked at me suspiciously... I said - Ya ya, abhe mein hi hoon... makeup dala hain... (A**wipe)

Then Middle Man 3 saw we were five people - one female (me, duh!) and four males who were sent by MM1. I felt like I was being sold ya. Chelsea bought for Rs 1500. Anyway, he said he wanted to see how much 'driving' we knew. Just a quick practice session before we were fed to the dog *literally*. I just shrugged off all my grumbling and pumped myself up - I can do this... I'll teach these people how to drive till second gear... I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!!!

The shitty Maruti 800 with the smelly men

The four guys showed what they knew. Then came my turn. First off, I had a second look at the car I was expected to drive. Maruti 800. Rather, a 99% dead Maruti 800.

Damn.

Next issue - the seat was dirty and sweaty. Sorry I am a little finicky about such stuff but there were four guys who sat in there before me who were as dirty as me... who knows what had touched where!!! Mummy*

Anyway, I got in, started the car. The car was not the best to be honest, but what I kept getting irritated about was this guy also had the clutch and break and he kept pressing it when I was driving. I wasn't sure if I was doing it or what cause you know the car makes funny noises when you have your leg on clutch and accelerate. And he tells me something new which none of my teachers have told me so far - Keep the clutch a little pressed while you accelerate.

Eh?

Why?

Just keep it! What rubbish. When I didn't keep it, he would keep his leg on his clutch so the car would make this funny noise. That was the beginning of my love-hate relationship with MM3. I got out.

1:30 pm. If I had an egg and some salt and pepper I could've fried one on my head.

1:45 MM3 approaches me... - Madam, madam... come come... I went. He says, "Madam, woh police walla naya hain na... tho usko duty karne ka hain... Registration work... Tho meine usko bola ki ek lady hain aur woh 4 bhaje tak nahi rookh sakthi hain... Lady log ko aisa nahi karne ka..." I vigorously shook my head... "Of course, of course, mein lady hain, aisa nahi karne ka," All the while thinking in my head... 4 PM over my dead by now black body!!!

After a very dramatic pause he sighs and says, "Fir usne kaha ki jaane do woh aapko aise hi de dega." Either I didn't hear him correctly or I mistook what he meant, "Aise hi dega?" He says, "Ha madam...aap ko sign kar ke dega."

Then the ass in me came out asking an even bigger ass-like question, "Kyun?"

By then, I am sure MM3 wanted to slap me. It was hot man! In my defense, my brain was not functioning normally. He says curtly, "Arre problem kya hain, pyaar se de raha hain, pyaar se le..."

Tubelight was back on. "Ha ha bhai... pyaar se de raha hain tho of course pyaar se loongi," Damn it's been a while since I got any pyaar. Inspector ka pyaar bhi chalega!

So we went and waited to meet the only man who wants to gimme some pyaar. My thoughts were chaotic with glee. Just imagine, a friend had told me he only had to start the car and he got his licence, I tho don't even have to touch the car... YIPPEE!!!

Then the laughter almost poured out as I got a glimpse of the new policewalla. He was wearing those shitty Dabaang sunglasses and with a wedgie he was walking around barking orders. Lol. With a straight face I waited while MM3 sorted some work out. Then from thin air MM4 came and said - nahi nahi... isko tho driving dikhana hi padega.

Eh?

Well there went my 15 seconds of gloating. MM3 and MM4 started arguing. All the fears came in like a tidal wave... Damn I was not ready again. :"(

So we went and got the Maruti 800 and I drove it till there with MM3 sitting in the car with me and half driving it. I couldn't understand why he just wouldn't let me steer and change gears. He did everything! I was only accelerating.

Grrrrr*

My head was out. Officially.

Got out of the car. "Abhi bike dikhao," says MM4 gloating even more. That egg would have been fried by now and shoved down his throat if I had one to begin with.

"Fine bike de do," I say. Middle Man 6 comes in with another bike which was just begging to be put out of its misery. "Madam isko Rs 20 de do aur woh aap ko uska bike dega chalane ke liye." Why me... WHY WHY!!!

Gave him the cash and this fool was actually telling me the one thing I knew how to do. "Slowly jao, brake idhar hain..." I just went ahead front, back and a turn for bonus points. Not like that Dabaang wannabe inspector was even looking.

Got off the bike and headed to where wedgie boy was sitting. "Naaam" - C H E L S E A.

He got the spelling wrong, obviously.

Finally got his highnesses signature and went met MM1 told him thank you for all his help and headed home.

When the only cop and his cronies went on their lunch break

Lesson of the day: Wear a cap, carry an umbrella, heck throw in a picnic basket if you can. I wonder what it's like to follow rules and get anything done!