It's all in my head...

It's difficult to accept that I am 24 and be -

Someone with a heck of a lot of responsibilities.
Someone who has to do things the "grown-up" way.
Someone who has to be serious and choke back the tears and the %$%$# *&(*^%$%#%$% words when she jams her finger against the door.
Someone who better have a guy, or be getting laid or better be a baby chugging machine.
Someone who has to live up to "other" people's expectations.
Someone who gets a whole lot of unwanted and unwarranted advice.
Someone who can't get carried away on the dance floor.
Someone who has to think a million times before she says anything for fear of antagonizing her family and friends.
Someone who has to start keeping secrets because of the old cliche - why should everyone know what your doing???
Someone who just can't be herself.

I know it's all in my head. I know I choose to live the way I live - not because I HAVE to but because I WANT too.

The choice doesn't bother me... much.

I guess it starts to tick me off when people keep shoving it down my throat that I feel like puking all over them with the bile that arises from all the venom I'd like to spill on them saying HEY! You made your mistakes, and you learned from them - now let me make mine!

Sad as it may seem, our lives are no longer ours because we live by the rules of this capitalistic world. We live the lives of TV celebrities and advertising. We walk and talk like Britney clones and have Brad Pitt bodies. We dress our asses in the latest fashions and want to be rock stars - rightly said by Chad Kroegar.

Whatever happened to the good ol' - I love you for who you are? Or I respect you as a friend for all the times you have stood by me??? Or even thanks for the lunch, it was lovely of you to buy it???

Where is all of that? Where can I find it again? Can I find it again>>>

With no expectations - from my side and yours?

Do you speak Indian?

Chelsea - Hi! My name is Chelsea.

Canadian - Is Chelsea your real name?

Chelsea – Yes.

Canadian - I thought it was your Canadian name. Do you speak Indian? You speak very well… isn’t your first language hum… Indian? Where did you learn to speak such good English?

The first time I was told ‘Oh you speak English well, albeit with an Indian accent,’ I really felt affronted. And I kept thinking – what’s wrong with people in Canada? Haven’t they heard Indians speak English? But it didn’t stop there. College proved to be an even bigger challenge. From trying to decipher the Canadian accent to getting myself to speak at snail pace and repeat the same damn sentence four times, got me vexed, wondering if the flight across the Atlantic had addled my brains and my tongue, because I suddenly felt like the village idiot from India. To top it off, people kept asking me - do you speak Indian?

When I finally deciphered what that sentence meant I figured two things. One, most Canadians are still ignorant of the fact that even though there are other cultures, English is still the world’s dominant language. Two, has Canada really done enough to bridge this cultural gap?

I slowly started preparing a script in my head to make people understand why my English was strong. It sounded like this – Yes although it may sound surprising, I am Catholic, hence I have a catholic name and not because I’ve come to Canada and adopted a new name for myself. If you are aware, India was under the British Raj, so we have a strong British education foundation in most cities. Yes, I speak only English at home. Maybe it's because I was born in Bombay. Yes, I’ve been brought up in a western environment and yes, I have an insatiable thirst for English books. End of story. So I don’t blame Canadians for thinking that way, because for most Indian immigrants, English is their second or maybe third language.

After being in Canada for almost two years, I’m still trying to find my niche and fit in. Having been called a wannabe American all my life, I thought Canada would be a walk in the park. Tragically, not so. It isn’t a problem for the person doing the stereotyping, but it is a problem for the person being stereotyped. The lady who asked me - who taught you to speak English?, had no problems with stereotyping me as an Indian-looking, Hindi or Punjabi speaking person, I was the one who had a problem with being stereotyped in that manner.

Sometimes, all it takes to bridge the cultural gap is making an honest effort to do so. Whether we succeed or not is immaterial, as long as we have tried. It’s the effort to imagine where others come from or what context shapes what they speak. The knowledge of someone else’s culture makes the task much easier and that is appreciated.

Oh, and Indian isn’t a language.

Wants to walk... Into the Wild...

Thanks to Imran Shaikh for exposing me to a whole new world of thinking. Well not exactly new since I find myself thinking along those lines almost every minute yet not having the balls to go ahead and do something like that.

How do I take that first big baby step? I want to... sorry let me rephrase that... I need to. So effing scared though for some reason. I feel that I am at that age where every decision is a bad decision no matter how hard I thought and took that risk, that chance. But when is ever a decision the right one? How do you stay away from the bad stuff or the wrong choices?

I can't answer that. But what I can do is take the lead and make an effort to at least try. Then I can say I tried. I may have not succeeded but at least I tried. No harm done. So a few concrete plans I have to make to set the ball in motion. Goa - changes - me.

Amen.

Running away for good or evil.

While exiting on Queen Subway I noticed an old woman with a faded sari underneath a heavy winter coat. Dark lines creased her forehead. Her hands were laden with thick woolly gloves while she silently clutched on to her placard which said "Stop the violence in Sri Lanka." I stopped. Stared. I have never really bothered if people were intimidated at my stare or tried to stare me down. Till I had my fill, I continued to stare vacantly at her with thoughts running left right and centre as I anxiously waited for some kind of answer. An answer to what would motivate an elderly woman to brave this dreadful weather and hold a silent protest, alone.

I was wrong.

I got out of my muted trance and exited the sidewalk only to bang right into a sea of black winter coats holding large white signs screaming words like "Stop Tamil genocide in Sri Lanka" and "Rwanda genocide in Sri Lanka." Two small black eyes shyly handed me a leaflet propagating their cause. A horde of students, husbands, wives, children, grandparents, working people who took a half-day even with a recession on yelled at the top of their voice "WE WANT JUSTICE."

I do not think the Tamil government in Sri Lanka or even the LTTE heard or saw their human chain.

Did Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper hear their shout out? Was a statement released? Would Canada deploy troops to save innocent blood from mass genocide?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Here are a few observations about the protest. And these are observations.

I observed kids dressed up like punk stars, people feeding their faces, roaming around with Tim Horton paper bags and coffee cups everywhere and you know, protesting. I Made me wonder, how serious are you guys? You got out of Sri Lanka. You were lucky. You had the money and you chose to leave. You packed you family and your bags and scrambled to safety.

The people left behind are people who weren’t as lucky as you. They didn’t have the same advantages as you, same benefits as you, didn’t come from the same social background as you. They didn’t have a choice. Because those people who were educated,with the means to make a change in Sri Lanka left and are still leaving. Running away... miles away.

War, violence, natural disasters, these are things you can’t run away from, no matter how hard you try. I am not saying the protest was futile. Heck it showed that people were worried about their loved ones back home. They braved the cold didn’t they? But what is your protest really going to do? A silent peaceful protest for a couple of hours in silent peaceful Canada?

Same goes for all of us from Asia or Africa. Indian's, Pakistani's, Chinese, Zimbabwean's. All of us who keep running away to America, Canada, Europe, Australia, all of us who want what they have readymade, yet do not want to fight for it. They fought for independence too you know. When are we going to stop running and face up to reality? Face up to what is out there? That what is OUT THERE is real. It exists. And running away from it no matter how hard we try... will not change anything. Because in the end... you cannot escape death.