Breathe

 Slowly. 

Breathe. 

Just because I have pains doesn't mean I have to be one too.

In, out. Let it all go.

Focus on your breath.  

Pause, start again. 

🫠🫠🫠🫠

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 105

Going nowhere cuz I got nowhere to go. 

 

Nothing to say anymore. Nothing has changed. Not a damn thing. I will not accept people taking me for granted and me giving them a free pass at their attitude and behaviour to walk all over me. Won't have it.

It's becoming insipid to the point that I'm ruminating about how complete my life is by being alone. There's this utter lack of effort, I wouldn't say indifference as much as cluelessness, but yeah, both, probably. 

A life like this... For the rest of my life. If that was even a thought, wouldn't know. It's not for me anyway. I know what I need and this I don't need. Never. Ever. 

What a waste of a potentially good relationship all because they didn't think it important enough to put in the effort. 

Not a loss but a save for self. Remember that. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 104

I've been seeing a lot of posts on Twitter by people across the board who are slowly reaching burnout, are mentally drained and unsure of what the future holds. I don't see too much of these rumblings and grumblings on LinkedIn for the most obvious reason: keep it professional.

Many companies are failing to read their internal data correctly nor are they really listening to the "correct" channels --- everyone's busy preaching: this is the perfect time to upskill, learn more, learn something new, don't waste this opportunity... 

Most of these posts/articles, I've noticed, are who I refer to as: The Preachers -- i.e. those who are financially secure, who delegate their work, who have excellent support systems etc. For them to say that people need to manage their time better in a lockdown --- when you reflect on it, how much of your time is truly yours versus it belonging to the organisation/people you work for?

Sharing a stat from one of my earlier posts where the data, tbh, wasn't surprising. The other is a post which resonated with me. It's imperative that we make a distinction about working from home in an every day scenario and during a pandemic.

#workfromhomelife #coronaviruslockdown

.   

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 103

What I truly loved about Interstellar is how smoothly it transported me to Contact, a sci-fi flick I loved watching on Star Movies growing up, how I always dreamed of becoming a pilot. Realising right now how much I've suppressed, to forget, to let go. I quit on myself.

I'm in analysing mode and currently playing 10 questions to every answer. Bingo!

Is this where my fear of heights stems from? The inability to jump, take the plunge, always cautious, always thinking ten steps ahead and then taking ten steps back... You know, just to be safe.

Contact, among other bigger and more important issues it touched upon, also explores the father-daughter conundrum. Of pushing her to excel and to get her to achieve her potential. It resonated; know my dad gave me the best of what life could afford us.,

Yet was there deep-seated resentment somewhere? That we couldn't afford what I wanted, so I had to recalibrate my future? I remember him gulping at the ten grand each year for my three year BMM course. I have no clue how Canada happened, to be completely honest. I'll keep that for another vortex induced guilt trip.

What's bothering me? A constantly wound up fidgety ferret.

I just made myself a cuppa. I realised at that very moment I am not a risk taker -- at all. I play by the rules, by the book, always obey orders, instructions... I struggle to go off character, mostly deny myself things based on two principles -- are these wants or needs? I constantly live and breathe in the practicality of life. And probably, I feel, at this moment, it's because my dad said no -- to me wanting to fly.

So I caved and always used "lack of money in the bank" to deny myself. My way of dealing with a no, I guess. Dad took risks, became a businessman and beats the odds. My mum was independent, always pushing herself out of the house to a life she wanted to live on her own terms and turf.. Chelson followed her footsteps and I couldn't be happier knowing that he succeeded where I failed to even try.

Me? I played safe. I fucking played safe. To keep my family together. I don't know why I'm feeling so emotional and choked and clogged up but I played safe so that I would be a little less broken for all the failings that existed in the Saldanha family. I didn't want to ever ask anyone for money, for a loan, or a helping hand.

I, the dumbest human on this planet, mugged so much to ace every exam, unable to comprehend or learn or even absorb anything. Frightfully forgetful. Mediocre at best. I think everyone has seen that in my writing, I always thought it was the one thing I was decent at but when I look back at my grades, the assessment of my projects, my scriptwriting, my work these last ten+ years... It was all quite rudimentary, let's be honest here.

I think the last big risk I took was planning a solo trip to the UK and doing the Scotland trip. After detailed planning I ended up spending about INR 2 lakhs. The most money I have ever spent in three weeks. No regrets. I was frugal most days but never felt it. I had money in the bank. I was alive in every sense and I will never regret it. I had money in the bank.

I've done nothing as brave as that in a long long time. I've put my dreams on hold for something that's a 50-50 today. I've set aside savings for over a year hoping to change my narrative and start afresh --- a new life in a new environment. I'm going to do that. Work has already begun.

It all comes down to the timing. When is the right time? What if it's now or never? What if I'm too late or too early? What if I missed the bus? What if it's perfect weather? What if conditions are just right?

What if it's time to soar Chelsea?

"Lord gimme a sign" ~DMX

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 102

Stayed up
Night long
Promised he,
"Not three
Just one"
Made note
Tight throat
Soft choke
Slept broke.

~CBS

Sometimes the words just pour out of you. Can't stop the flow man. Won't stop the flow. Just rolling with the pack of emotions. This is my collocutor space after all. 🤘

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 101

Is this an "ooops" instead of a - what if?

Learning again to never need no one. Failure is a great teacher, isn't she? The beast has shed her beauty. Time to say - fuck it, this fuck up has fucked up again and nothing fucking matters. Cue Larz Ulrich on the drums...

It's like the punches metted by a boxer. It hits you and hits you and hits you and you're bleeding from your eyes, your nose, you're spitting red everywhere... And you tell yourself -- it's okay. Time to close your eyes and let that KO in. After all, why do you even fucking try. You'll never win at this.

You failed. Again. And you'll fail again and again and again. Why? Because you're really not good enough. You're shit. You and your stupid fucking emotions are garbage. All they do is fuck up everything. Where's that fucking heart of stone you promised yourself? Where is it????? Why are you constantly breaking down? Have you learned nothing from your past? Where are you now!!!!

The self pity series begins... Shutdown and Lockdown mode switched on. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 100

We've got a lot of people in powerful positions talking about #eachforequal today. And yet, few of them are making visible changes to make equal representation a reality in their organisation's leadership.

Posting on social media about how awesome the women surrounding you are, at the end of the day, are just words. For your words to mean anything --- give us a seat on that board, appoint us CEOs, offer us partnership... because we have earned it and we deserve it. Let your actions speak louder than your token once a year reminder.

To the women battling it all not just to rise to the top but who also don't tear their women colleagues down and give more women opportunities to excel and lead from the front -- YOU, are my SHEROES!

Empowered Women + Empowered Men = Empower Women

Happy Women's Day. 

#GirlPower

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 99

From a 2019 which meant everything to going back to ground zero at the turn of the new year and battling my range of emotions while holding on to what feels like nothing today. That's what kills a person -- the unsure piece. Whether they are truly wanted, just being settled for or are scrap now.

I am broken once more and I don't even know how to fix things. I have tried talking, sharing. And all I'm met with is silence. And I know the answer is to get out now before the damage on my psyche gets worse but the fear of ending something I believe is wonderful is terrifying. It will take me a long time to recover and the fear of another failure when I'm failing professionally too is something I am unable to bear.

How did I get here? Other than pouring my heart out -- again, I'm a fucking fool to believe people care. No one does. Everyone is so guarded that if you let your guard down they just come pummel you to pieces and leave. Every fucking time.

I remember Bangalore playing saviour to my battered soul, this time I will have no cubby hole to crawl into and die. And the shame and disappointment. Thinking, yes, this is it. This is mine.

I've always known love wasn't written in my stars. This time I thought maybe you're giving me a chance. That you'd have heard my silent prayer. But I'm wrong, aren't I? There is no love for me. Just loneliness. And that's okay. I've been alone so long, I'll settle back into my second skin. But this time I won't come out. Because I don't have any fight left in me. I'm done.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 98

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

I'm not too much.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 97

Not gonna pretend. I'm not okay. It's been a terrible lonely feeling these last few weeks but I guess I should have listened to my gut when I realised that probably this isn't meant to be.

If all the others made me feel like I was too much, this time I was just shunned out. Not intentionally, just someone who is unable to comprehend human emotions. Or maybe it's just me. 

I prayed so hard for what I have right now, counting my blessings. But what I should have prayed for even harder was to have the strength, the courage and the heart and head to persevere. I've adjusted, gone silent, communicated, listened, communicated some more, but I just couldn't get through.

Nobody deserves to be disrespected especially when they're investing their time and energy into loving someone, being there for someone, putting their heart on their fucking sleeve only to be ignored or muted. Nobody deserves such inhumane behaviour.

When I see others or hear about their demands and that all the time there's a price tag attached to it, I don't feel it because I probably don't get it. But when they talk and communicate, that I listen to, that I try and emulate because I want that connect. I want to have a better relationship and I will read and learn as much as I can about how to be 100% invested in everything I do. Because I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to mature and be a better human being. And no one will and can take that away from me. 

I give, with always minimalistic expectations of care, comfort and conversations. But even that is too much and for someone like me to ask for it's going over the top, I guess. I really must be a disappointment to today's materialistic world and all the sugar daddy's. Gawd -- this girl has no fame, no game and no name. 

After all the hard work I've put in to not feel an ounce of resentment towards any living thing for over a year, to have such hurt/hate well up inside and to tell someone I thought I loved to "Fuck Off" - I hate myself. I hate how small I am. I hate how much this hurts. I hate having to beg for someone's time. I hate having to wait for a message. I hate having to feel lost and alone when I have worked so hard to get my shit together. 

I accept, I'll never really be needed, I'll just be settled for because in all I have loved, I have loved alone. 

What a fucked up way to end 2019. What a fucked up way to start 2020. 

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 96

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Effort wasted

Connect or contact

There is none

A bottle of champagne

A glass for one

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

All dried out

White strained lips

"Fuck off" resentment

Turn back, turn away

Nothing given, some lent

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Unspoken words

Hiding in silos

Concrete angel

Unsure where I am

Unsure where I stand

Love has turned lonely

Should I let him go?

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 95

This Parent’s Prayer by Ritchie Jackson

I pray your life is full of love. I hope it includes activism. I expect you’ll be of service.

I hope too through your buoyant colors you wear daily that your life will have a vibrancy, especially now while you are young, that mine did not.

I hope you’ll try, and if you fail, try some more.

I wish you to be loved the way I am.

I want you to know the glory is in the doing, not in any reward, financial gain, or accolade.

I want you to aim high, because if you aim for the middle you will find it.

Take time to think: there are no no-brainers.

Crave responsibility; it is where the living is.

Always want the ball.

Be kind. Being kind is like warming up your voice before singing or stretching before an athletic activity. Being kind opens you up to be ready for anything, and being kind to people makes them feel valued. When you are ready for anything, and valuing the people around you, the possibilities of what you can achieve are endless.

Don’t look down on anyone unless it’s to help pick them up.

Strive to be curious, not just capable.

There is not a finite amount of success in the world. Be the student most likely to want everyone to succeed.

In our loaded-for-bear world, where seemingly everyone has become a disciplinarian, teach don’t lecture, guide don’t demean, bolster don’t belittle.

Honor your parents by being yourself and all of yourself, living fully and unapologetically.

Comfort when needed and cause discomfort when required.

Care for and about yourself. Care for your friends and your family. Care for our community.

You are leaving home to join the greatest of odysseys, taking off on a magical and mysterious adventure. You are on the precipice where so many men before you stood. Jump. Jump as high and as far and as wide as you can.

This Parent’s Prayer by Ritchie Jackson

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 94

What am I thankful for?

It's been a mixed 2019. Not all happiness and not all sadness. Loads of highs and positive energy at the start of the year, a much more focussed me to a mixed pickle in the middle to ending the year with nothing and no one to hold onto. 2018, I think was a similar seesaw. And if I look back further, each year gone by is a similar mirror of ups and downs, highs and lows.

I didn't think 2019 would end this way but I've been feeling it for awhile. It's time, to hang up my boots and soldier on. Clear in the head and clear in the heart. You can't take people for granted. You can't take life for granted and every second that we waste in being unsure about someone important to us, whether or should we keep trying or should we take a risk, or quit and start afresh or learn a new skill... Is a second we're gonna regret. And these seconds pile up.

I'm thankful for having learnt to put my feelings in perspective. They are my guides and I've always found that while my heart rules my head, I've never felt so alone and so undeserving as I do right this minute. And I don't want to give any human being the power to make me feel that I'm not good enough.

In case you haven't read my earlier post, I may not be good enough for you, but  I'm enough for myself.

And I have my constant with me, #Always. With Him, nothing is impossible -- for Him and for me.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful once again for having the strength to pick myself up and chug forward. I ain't one for looking back. All eyes ahead, Freddy.

Must. Piper. Up!

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 93

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,   
  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,   
I thank whatever gods may be   
  For my unconquerable soul.   

In the fell clutch of circumstance 
  I have not winced nor cried aloud.   
Under the bludgeonings of chance   
  My head is bloody, but unbowed.   

Beyond this place of wrath and tears   
  Looms but the Horror of the shade, 
And yet the menace of the years   
  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.   

It matters not how strait the gate,   
  How charged with punishments the scroll,   
I am the master of my fate:
  I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 92

"I chose to focus where I was fearful to look"

Such a BOW WOW WOWWWW statement to read. Just last night I contemplated a paradigm shift to the way I was approaching things and they're still in a haze but at least I'm reorienting myself to a higher purpose. It helps to have a basic structure or definition in the mind.

Because some of our greatest achievements can stem from identifying what we may not want to face and Choosing to engage anyway.

Step by step. Inch by inch. Breathe.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 91

I haven't felt this downsized and irrelevant in awhile now. And I'm a 100% unsure about myself and how to handle this ever growing situation.

I'm not handling it as well as I should and can. Already broken down in public. I'm constantly thinking negative and putting myself down. It's a crime when people who you thought would always have your back make you question your very worth and existence.

As a team player, I've got no team. It's like the rug swept off your foot. You were galloping and they've cut off your legs.


Only the best survive. I'm definitely not the best, not even a little, not even close.

Black dog days for awhile.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 90

Self love and self compassion time... Because there really is no one else who can make you feel complete and whole.

Agenda of the day.
Buy yourself a beautiful flower
Buy yourself a book
Buy yourself that top which you saw at Fab India that's stuck in your head since a week
Buy yourself a health juice
Don't forget to hold your own hand
And most importantly don't forget to smile

Was a sad day but anyway... It had its heartfelt, uplifting kinda moments...

Flying solo

Finally got the top ... Still think it's pretty

Ekdam sad food.. ekdam

Held my hand so tight, thought it would break. 🥺

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 89

Balance

OR

Finding your rhythm?

To deal with burnout, balance is often cited. Truth is, you can’t balance if you don’t have a mojo or a rhythm going on. Most often when you try and balance tasks at work or home – it can spiral out of control if there’s an unaccounted-for hiccup.

And it’s at these tough cookie moments when you realise that a little rhythm in your daily routine makes a world of difference in how you take on the world, how you interact with people, how you handle situations and how you find purpose within yourself.

Also make sure to temper the tempo according to the situation. That’s how you’ll be able to handle the fast beats or the slow waltz.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 88

Reminder:

If he doesn't buy you flowers
Go out and buy yourself a Lily.

If he doesn't hold your hand
Wrap your arms around yourself into a tight hug.

If he won't dance or sing with you
Keep dancing and singing on your own.

If he doesn't ever compliment you
Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are --- inside and out.

If he doesn't like being part of anything you like doing
Do what you love and live for anyway.

If he says: I love you, parroting you
You don't need to say it to feel something.

If he doesn't talk about a future with you
It's because he doesn't appreciate your presence in the present.

And if he isn't grateful for your presence
Leave him with your absence.

You don't need his validation.
You don't need his sign off.
You don't need him to make you feel complete.

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 87

List of 20 questions to reflect on:

1. What am I good at?
2. What am I so-so at?
3. What am I bad at?
4. What makes me tired?
5. What is the most important thing in my life?
6. Who are the most important people in my life?
7. How much sleep do I need?
8. What stresses me out?
9. What relaxes me?
10. What’s my definition of success?
11. What type of worker am I?
12. How do I want others to see me?
13. What makes me sad?
14. What makes me happy?
15. What makes me angry?
16. What type of person do I want to be?
17. What type of friend do I want to be?
18. What do I think about myself?
19. What things do I value in life?
20. What makes me afraid?