I'm starting the new year on a very defeated note. My smile is worse than a Barbie fix, there is plenty of sadness in the soul for those that see clearly, there is fear of the never ending and always topical "when are you getting married" debate, fatigue evident in every pore in my being, a blank and hopeless desperation that I'm starting to submerge myself into again.
Next steps? I don't know them myself. I don't know anything or anyone. I don't want anything or anyone. I don't need anything or anyone.
The secret is how to die... Before 30. Because that, very honestly, is all I need from this life. I need my subconscious to be on a holiday... For eternity.
A couple of people are trying to pep me up with kindness, anger, love, charity... Whatever you'd like to describe it as. But the truth is, I'm unable to accept the things they say about me. I'm unable to even for a second believe them, especially when I don't even believe in myself and what I am capable of anymore.
I know I've said this a few times over the last year but I am not just defeated; even my spirit has let go. It isn't about faith in God above, it's the inability to see faith in myself. This is what is killing.
As I scribble these random musings at 12 midnight as I wait to board my flight back home, all I can think of is: Hide me in the hollow of your loving hands, where the bow may not pursue, nor the traitor stand.
Next steps? I don't know them myself. I don't know anything or anyone. I don't want anything or anyone. I don't need anything or anyone.
The secret is how to die... Before 30. Because that, very honestly, is all I need from this life. I need my subconscious to be on a holiday... For eternity.
A couple of people are trying to pep me up with kindness, anger, love, charity... Whatever you'd like to describe it as. But the truth is, I'm unable to accept the things they say about me. I'm unable to even for a second believe them, especially when I don't even believe in myself and what I am capable of anymore.
I know I've said this a few times over the last year but I am not just defeated; even my spirit has let go. It isn't about faith in God above, it's the inability to see faith in myself. This is what is killing.
As I scribble these random musings at 12 midnight as I wait to board my flight back home, all I can think of is: Hide me in the hollow of your loving hands, where the bow may not pursue, nor the traitor stand.
1 comment:
In response to this, I'd like to use the words of an incredible person who lights up a lot of lives [& I'm not just saying that! I was actually thinking about how habitually this happens! :) ]
"It's the time for hope, especially for those who have none
When all seems lost, remember - YOU'RE NOT YET DONE.
It's the time for peace to reign in our hearts
...
Don't wait for life and situations to worsen
Have faith and you'll witness God through another person."
God bless you always, my Chel belle!
P.S.
For me, the year I turned 30 was most fruitful, happiest, most incredible & fun, and most loving year of my existence!
:')
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