Set me like a seal on your heart

Set me like a seal on your heart always

December 5 - 12, 2010

Tough week and a heck of a lot of tough love.

And the hearts all over the world tonight

Said the hearts all over the world tonight

~ Chris Brown

I dunno how I got through it. I dunno how BC, LD, CM, KM and ER got through it either. But I pray and hope they coped better than I did. Because I know how close I was to screaming, screaming hoarse - silently.

Just felt like my hands and feet were tied, my mouth was gagged and I was buried deep within the earth. There was no other way but the highway. Take it and go. And I was so not ready, still am not ready to walk the plank. And I have no doubts that I will never be ready.

I know it's tough to lose the person you love. Okay I lie. I don't know. But I don't wanna know. It would be nice if I conked first, that way I can skip the shit that I know I will go through.

I'm 25 and I can't deal with pain. Dunno what it will feel like at 26 man!

How do the rest do it? I mean smile for effs sake. I love smiling, but days when I wake up feeling like life's  sucked the last breath outta me, I can't give a cracker of a smile even if my life depended on it because my eyes *saala dhokebaaz* fail me every time. They reflect my soul, what I feel, who I am, what I am going through, which is bloody unfair since I mastered the technique of hiding behind a facade.

Now I don't even try. Wimp.

I have not really attempted to search for the answers but I hope this new year I set forth to seek the hands that heal and the words that will comfort me.

Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am unworthy and ungrateful, but I try to be the best you made me. Remind me of this in my moments of doubts, unworthiness and self-esteem blues.