Daily scribbles and drools... Day 2

Signs.

I hate them. I love them.

So much so that I'm just observing them because I dunno how to analyse them.

On one hand, I just bid a tearful farewell to Michael Scott or Michael Scarn or I dunno... One of the most insane characters I'll ever have the pleasure of knowing. And on the other, it's a memorable day even though I really need to forget. Yet unable to because of all the .... Signs.

The Office is intense, cringe worthy, howlarious, badass, trashy, like I know my eyebrows have frowned so many times that I've felt a sexual harassment or ethics call was about to be served. I started off with hating Michael but slowly started to relate to him so much so... That I wondered how much of him is in me. So much of what happens in The Office happens at My Office. So many nuances and so many real and reel life moments because you can't stop the signs... When he serves his two weeks, and when he finally departs in Season 7... such a hanging by a thread moment. Much you will be missed, Yoda.

And then there's you. Always you. Surprisingly for the longest time. Was thinking the other day that besides T-Man no one has taken up so much mindspace. It's not intense like the former but a more quiet and patient understanding of those thoughts and feelings. The recall factor, I've learnt, doesn't need to be a bad thing. Taking it in my stride. There is a slight itch to wish but just have to flash the last meet up in my head to bow down and put my phone away.

Apri Fool's Day or Easter Sunday... Commitment to Operation #Goodbye began. Ended it poetically by listening to Goodbye by Miley Cyrus too. But everyday since then the signs have started. Or you just tend to see the signs. I sigh a sad smile. There's nothing to do except keep marching on like the Saints.

Ain't no sunshine when I'm gone...

Daily scribbles and drools... Day 1

Gonna put in effort and try and get a word in here every day.

Daily scribbles and drools... decided to call it this magum opus as I stand waiting to catch a 40, 225, 348, 448, 525... Anything which will drop me to the highway. 

I think this exercise would be good if I wrote at the of the day but I see that as a perpetual challenge. So I'm gonna try accomplishing this every morning. 

The kidney and ze Stones really seem to be breaking me 'bones. It's usually in the morning and when I'm about to go to bed. I wonder why. Today it's a little more painful while standing. May need to go to the doc for round two. I really don't wanna have surgery.

I'm drinking at least five bottles of water now. I mean if you put a seed in my gullet, you are sure to have a small plant sprouting within two days. Guaranteed (":

Okay, there's the bus. Gotta run! Have fun!

The wedding conundrum

I know what my wedding is going to be like... I know almost who will make it to the limited 100 guest list from my side. Whether my mother will get an invite to my own wedding is a story for another day. It's crystal clear in my mind.

Yeah, I didn't factor the roce and portepon and whatever else may be in store.

No show shaa. Simple. Keeping it real. Watching my cousin get married, the money being splurged, I'm just gulping. I ain't got any and I don't want any of this.

In my head I'm not complex. I know what I want. I know the relationship I am looking for. Sorted in my head. How can that be so warped?

I don't think I'll make it. What I need and what approaches don't make sense.

33 - you're knocking at my door and I dunno how to answer.

#FearIsTheEnemy

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

Disappointed

To have quit. And I'm not a quitter. I can't believe I lost courage when the time came to face the edge. Five seconds. Just five seconds of courage. I thought this year I earned my lion heart. I guess you can't run away from the truth - loner, and now adding loser to the tag.

Courage failed me in the most spectacular way. It's a heartbreaking feeling right now. I can't do anything right. Also started feeling giddy so the headache began which meant it wasn't only fear that crippled my senses.

I pumped myself so much with positive thoughts. And then walking on the bridge - everything collapsed. There was no heightened tension; there was just a flat out - no way are you doing this. Get out of here NOW!!!

I backed off. I numbed out and dumbed out and took my walk of shame alone. Two bus loads of people and I was the only one who didn't complete it.

The migraine and the paranoia got worse while returning by bus... Had to pop an avomine. The roads are narrow and broken and with the bus tilting so close to the edge, my nerves were in shambles. Then the damn unforgivable happened -- valley of tears.

2017 has been a fabulous year - in comparison to the last few. And I planned this so well because I was stoked about welcoming 2018 - I really have worked hard to be a better human being. I'm hoping someday I have the courage to attempt this again.

Here's to an awesome 2018 in whatever shape and form!