'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 4

Focussing on staying positive. Keeping the mind as blank as I can. Pinching helps. Smiling and laughing with random strangers makes my heart skip an erratic beat... Makes you feel lighter. Trying to be happy again. Not an easy task since I am determined to be my miserable best. Staying away from trouble but trouble always follows. So scared of showing my personality. It's always, all 'fucking' ways, taken as a double entrée. Try as I might, I can't get people to stay the fuck away from me. Don't wanna get into trouble again. Better off alone. Learned that, it's easier to run away. Battered. Beaten. Broken. Signing off... The loneliest girl in the world.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 3

Ruch comforts me... Like no other. XXX presence is like a balm on my withered mind and soul. Trying to keep pace with XXX zest for life does get infectious. Can't stop thanking the Man above for sending XXX into my life. XXX keeps me grounded... like Danda and Chintukli. Desperately aiming to get into a comfortably numb zone. Can't get zonaed for some reason... One month to date. Tick tock. Silence the clock. Please forget.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 1

After landing realised may be this wasn't the place to be on holiday... Couples paradise. fuck. never felt lonelier. Oh wait I have. All the fucking time. First sight of the beach... In love. Silence all around me. Good to be among foreigners. I can disappear in the lonely silence. Sleep is a nightmare.

2015... What additional baggage does thou bring?

I'm starting the new year on a very defeated note. My smile is worse than a Barbie fix, there is plenty of sadness in the soul for those that see clearly, there is fear of the never ending and always topical "when are you getting married" debate, fatigue evident in every pore in my being, a blank and hopeless desperation that I'm starting to submerge myself into again.

Next steps? I don't know them myself. I don't know anything or anyone. I don't want anything or anyone. I don't need anything or anyone.

The secret is how to die... Before 30. Because that, very honestly, is all I need from this life. I need my subconscious to be on a holiday... For eternity.

A couple of people are trying to pep me up with kindness, anger, love, charity... Whatever you'd like to describe it as. But the truth is, I'm unable to accept the things they say about me. I'm unable to even for a second believe them, especially when I don't even believe in myself and what I am capable of anymore.

I know I've said this a few times over the last year but I am not just defeated; even my spirit has let go. It isn't about faith in God above, it's the inability to see faith in myself. This is what is killing.

As I scribble these random musings at 12 midnight as I wait to board my flight back home, all I can think of is: Hide me in the hollow of your loving hands, where the bow may not pursue, nor the traitor stand.