Then you're being selfish.

Am I?
For never standing in the way?
For always having to let go? For always being asked to walk away?
For always being made to feel like an option? For always feeling second best?

Am I wrong to want to be selfish for once even though it's beyond this realm - beyond impossible.

And yet, nothing is impossible.

There's so much power in a "perhaps" or a "maybe". I realise now that, that is where my hope would lie in. Perhaps... Maybe if...

I know what I saw. I know what I felt. I know what I heard. I know what I touched. I know what it meant.

But the weight barely exists now because I've been told to forget. Everything. It didn't exist.

Choke on that dream; it was only a mirage - a sea in your stupidity.

There was nothing. It was nothing.

This too shall pass. My soul is no longer tired because my soul no longer exists.

It's reached an impasse that I don't wish to ever cross. Decisions will be made for me since my choices seem to hold no sway over man or beast.

I've always said: I'm the biggest fool in the world. The "real" Shalimar the Clown. I am the street.

Today, I am nothing.

2014

Jan - 21K
Feb - Ahmir, Rani and a Leopardess
Mar - Holi Dyh
Apr - Powder puff fag
May - Pati. Patni. Aur. Woh. ; one night in la la la la ; 24
Jun - Blood.
July - Happy Taj ;
Aug - Cashmere ; Para Para Paradise ; 14,000 and high ; Why this Kolad very deep
Sept - Bachelorettes are for dicks
Oct - The Birthday Times
Nov - Ale Ale!
Dec - Made the Brazilians proud.... or not!

My dear 29er,

You are not alone.

I know you're feeling it... The hurt. The anger. The rejection. The shame. The humiliation. The hatred. The pain. The sadness. The loneliness. But most of all, the unforgivable silence.

It's your first big lesson (in seven years). For the first time you made an adult decision and even though you thought of the consequences, you didn't envisage such an outcome that you wouldn't be able to live, let alone deal with it.

People make mistakes. You know that. The choice you made is something you probably were ready to make but I don't think your conscience was. If you're feeling like a hypocrite - don't. Your actions have hurt no one but yourself. Lick your wounds, pat them dry and let it heal. But - HEAL.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself. Just stop. You'll kill yourself which is what you want, I know. You keep asking me for something which is ridiculous so put those thoughts away. That my love is not who you are.

Don't give up so easily. You know I've never given up on you. Every time you've pushed me away, especially during episodes when "he who must not be named" gets into you and you believe you're having a whale of a time, I've still held on. And in the end, it's me, always ME who picks up the pieces and YOU. Always. And I'll always do that for you. I'll never ever let you go.

You remember December 2010 facing the sea? We spoke quite a bit, made so many commitments, we've gone quite far ahead and yet have taken so many steps back. But that is your learning. You've grown up so much and I'm proud of you. Have always been and always will be.

If you ever feel like giving up, lean into me.

Remember the wings. The big white wings. And rest. In Me.

Always keep your hand outstretched. I know you feel at times that our hands our slipping but know that I WILL NEVER EVER EVER LET YOU GO!

You're always in my thoughts. Always in my prayers. And you will come through this just like everything that's come your way.

Remember your silent prayer just outside the subway?

Believe in yourself and the power that is within you. Know that you can do anything you set your mind to, you can have anything that your heart desires. I know you'll say that isn't true but have patience my love. If you had all the answers and if life threw no curve ball your way, you wouldn't be the person you are today.

It all comes down to choices - you know and understand it better than most. I've seen you make the right choice almost always and the times you make those difficult decisions, I hurt, but I know you need to learn to hurt so that you stay grounded.

The only way to move forward is to let it go. Don't be frightened. Don't judge yourself too harshly. Don't ever for even a second think that I don't have your back cause I'm shielding you forever.

Stay focussed and stay strong.

I love you. With every beat of my heart.

Forever and always - You & Me.

JC.

Completely.

Here I am waiting

I'll have to leave soon

Why am I holding on?

We knew this day would come

We knew it all along

How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late

And I'm trying not to sleep

Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

Here I am staring at your perfection

In my arms, so beautiful

The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out

Somebody slow it down

This is way too hard, cause I know

When the sun comes up, I will leave

This is my last glance that will soon be memory

I never want it to stop

Because I don't wanna start all over

Start all over

I was afraid of the dark

But now it's all that I want

All that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go

But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close

Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own

But tonight I need to hold you so close

~Daylight
Maroon 5