I don't feel superhuman. I feel left out. I'm this dull mannequin in a room full of decked up models. No one is forcing me to feel this way. It's just that some emotions you can't dull, some feelings can't be silenced, some thoughts can't be wished away, no matter how much you want to.
I'm not bitter but I do wonder sometimes... If things could have gone a little differently. Does that make me small and petty? I don't like to think I'm a vain girl... I've seen and lived a hard life; still do. But sometimes, in the depths of my self inflicted despair, I do think about how differently life would have turned out had I been given more than what I am already blessed with.
I feel like a speck of dust in a snowstorm - who doesn't have much to show in a room full of people who have plenty. I kept reminding myself of what Marmee said to her oldest daughter who was going with Jo to a big wig's shindig, in her 'finest'. But Marmee's kind words settle in after the unforgivable tears glean my eyes, till I have to look up to stop them from falling and from not making a scene.
Someone told me recently that the only reason he'd tie himself down to one person was for economic reasons. And that's apparently the word on the street. Marry for money, don't marry for me.
I've always known the reality of being rejected for so many 'other' reasons. I'm now seeing another reality of how I can never blend in because I belong to no one. And no one will ever belong to me.
Remind me to stay humble. Remind me that there is nothing wrong in being alone. Remind me of all the kindness and blessings that you've showered on me over the last 30 years. Remind me that I am not what or who I possess, I define who I am.
I'll never have any of this 'good life' that people have but remind me to make the best of the life and style that you've given me.
Young. Wild. Alone. Free.
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