As two years have gone by... I finally say - Goodbye

2016 will not see a lot of travel or a commitment to do a new thing each month. It will have five thoughtful tasks which I hope to live by.

I will try my best to never let anyone ever make me feel or believe that I am:

Unlovable
Alone
Optional
Unworthy
Not good enough

Madness in laughter; madness in love

Of all that is written, I love only what a person hath written with his blood. Write with blood, and thou wilt find that blood is spirit.
It is no easy task to understand unfamiliar blood; I hate the reading idlers.
He who knoweth the reader, doeth nothing more for the reader. Another century of readers and spirit itself will stink.
Every one being allowed to learn to read, ruineth in the long run not only writing but also thinking.
Once spirit was God, then it became man, and now it even becometh populace.
He that writeth in blood and proverbs doth not want to be read, but learnt by heart.
In the mountains the shortest way is from peak to peak, but for that route thou must have long legs. Proverbs should be peaks, and those spoken to should be big and tall.
The atmosphere rare and pure, danger near and the spirit full of a joyful wickedness: thus are things well matched.
I want to have goblins about me, for I am courageous. The courage which scareth away ghosts, createth for itself goblins it wanteth to laugh.
I no longer feel in common with you; the very cloud which I see beneath me, the blackness and heaviness at which I laugh that is your thunder-cloud.
Ye look aloft when ye long for exaltation; and I look downward because I am exalted.
Who among you can at the same time laugh and be exalted?
He who climbeth on the highest mountains, laugheth at all tragic plays and tragic realities.
Courageous, unconcerned, scornful, coercive so wisdom wisheth us; she is a woman, and ever loveth only a warrior.
Ye tell me, "Life is hard to bear." But for what purpose should ye have your pride in the morning and your resignation in the evening?
Life is hard to bear: but do not affect to be so delicate! We are all of us fine sumpter asses and she-asses.
What have we in common with the rose-bud, which trembleth because a drop of dew hath formed upon it?
It is true we love life; not because we are wont to live, but because we are wont to love.
There is always some madness in love. But there is always, also, some method in madness.
And to me also, who appreciate life, the butterflies, and soap-bubbles, and whatever is like them amongst us, seem most to enjoy happiness.
To see these light, foolish, pretty, lively little sprites flit about that moveth Zarathustra to tears and songs.
I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance.
And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity through him all things fall.
Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!
I learned to walk; since then have I let myself run. I learned to fly; since then I do not need pushing in order to move from a spot.
Now am I light, now do I fly; now do I see myself under myself. Now there danceth a God in me.
Thus spake Zarathustra.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Baby bird’s first solo flight

Making a decision to uproot, albeit for six months, is a big leap for me – more so, because I’ve always wanted to live alone and see if I could do it.

After packing and repacking and repacking for the Nth time, I finally was ready to let my rusty feathers loose. Only to realise when the cab came to pick me up at 6am that I’d left my laptop in the office :P

How awesome am I!

I got off the cab and ran via the Subway at the Hub, ran to office (thanking God for the one month gym training), only to bang the locked glass doors and scare the guard who was drooling in his sleep, to reaching my desk and finding it empty and looking confused for about 5 seconds to realizing a note was stuck on the table saying: Contact Security. I just prayed that it wasn’t with IT since those guys didn’t get in till 8am. Panicking, I ran back to the guard asking him where would they have taken my laptop to – he pointed to the other exit of the office and that guard was wide awake and made me fill up a book with details – grabbed it and RAN!!!

It only happens with Chelsea – yes.Week 1 in Bangalore: From scrambling to find accommodation, to exploring the streets on foot, taking in the sights and sounds of the city, the luxurious bed, silently screaming in the ricks when it swerved to avoid colliding head first into another vehicle, learning to trust Ola and Uber, the very swanky Windsor by ITC and sweet sixteen’s – it was a memorable week indeed. Oh, the office was a wrap too (:

Week 2 in Bangalore: Well this was all about settling into the new house. First day of moving in I spotted Roaches. Now those who know me well will attest to the fact that my mortal fear is, *drum roll*: Roaches. I shudder as I type. Anyway, I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to be a good first night even though I was literally choking on HIT. At 1am, after countlessly tossing and turning on the floor (still had to arrange for the furniture), I switched on the light only to find one $#$#^@&$# almost reaching my make shift bed. “That’s it. I’m outta here.”

I called up the landlady who was asleep. As I contemplated a hotel, she called me back and I asked if I could sleep on her sofa. Such a kind soul: I got a comfy bed, with the mosquito net and a bottle of water plus breakfast. I know I made the right choice by picking her. I slept over for two days and till date she keeps plying me with breakfast and dinner off and on. Bless you, Shree and baby Aarav!

My grocery shopping time is seriously legendary. I’d been fixing the list countless times as I didn’t want to buy anything extra but I also wanted to learn to cook – the only area which I feel that if I mastered – I’d be perfect *sniff, I know*. Lol. But it was fun being in charge of my own destiny.

Thanks to an entire organisation backing me and having faith in me, I was on my own. Scary at times, quite a few tears were shed when I felt like I didn’t know what I should do next. But everything that comes our way needs to be looked at as a blessing – even if it be a tough cookie.

Welcome it. Embrace it. Deal with it. Let it go. #MyLifeLesson

I love saying this over and over again but – people are kind. There’s so much of inhumaneness that you read/see that you keep saying: Where'd all the good people go?

When you have kindness showered on you from any quarter, you literally lap it up (and sometimes don’t even wanna let go). I’ve had nothing but kindness shown to me. Probably because I also have “dumbass” written all over my face, but still. Family and colleagues helped me out so often that I often wonder how does so much of pain and hatred even exist when all I see is the good that people met out?

There were challenges – uprooting people who were fixed like furniture, watching a friend and colleague packing up and moving on, poverty which always gets to me, the free flying garbage, going outside Bangalore to look at furniture (had to toughen up to not show that I was tired and scared), electricity woes…

And yet for all these tiny obstacles, I had so many highs – cooking some fabulous Punjabi aloo bhindi, chicken sukka and chicken curry, keeping the kitchen spotless, washing my clothes and keeping the house clean, spraying Roaches to even swatting a couple (huge achievement), getting the paper quilling set, practicing my guitar, watching two movies, completing three books, working and trying to understand how the transportation system works, dealing with tough colleagues and not buckling under pressure, knowing the names of the streets and landmarks – all thanks to the walking I’d done, booking cabs like a pro, going to watch my first movie “The Martian” alone in Bangalore.

I know I have to make friends but I don’t know how to begin – to be honest, I’m not hard pressed for company. I like being alone. I have things I want to learn, to create, to accomplish. Sure, I’d like company – but whenever that happens, it will happen. I sit sometimes so still on my bed and I can hear the sounds of silence. It’s in those quiet moments when I struggle with my inner being and ask for guidance and comfort.

I don’t have much – monetary and otherwise. So opportunities when they’ve come like a Godsend, I desperately hang onto them because I know I’ll rarely, or next to never get another shot. God listens – ask me. I’d been over and over asking to leave Mumbai as I was so shriveled and dead inside. This deployment has already begun a slow and yet a much needed healing process – to believe in oneself, one must learn to forgive oneself and accept that we’re human enough to want something that may not want us in return.

For some of us born with the wooden spoon – we really have to struggle to see and be part of the world. But this is what really makes us who we are. I’m eternally grateful for every single blessing that’s come my way. I may have little in the eyes of the world – but my little, is a LOT!

The beauty of being with You

The beauty of being with you, is the simplicity that makes our relationship work.

The fact that I can be myself, without holding back, that warm fuzzy feeling, knowing that my tired fingers intertwine in completion with yours... knowing that you have my back... knowing that as I rest my weary head against your shoulders... knowing that I can melt in you completely... knowing all of this, I survive.

Thank you for being the Best. Reason. Ever.

I'll never leave Your Hand.

Emotionally buried

<< wrote this as I tried identifying with one inanimate object - that I could relate to (especially, since I come from water)  >>

You're a lone rock stranded at the edge of the sea. Buried deep in the sands of time, to stay still, for eternity.

No matter how hard you wish you could move, you're grounded. You ask the wind to blow you away; it sprays you with water.

You ask the sun to burn you to oblivion; it burns you till you crack... but no more.

You pray to be swept into the ocean, only to have moss and the like hold onto you tight. Crabs crawl over you, their pincers come and go as they please - and you itch to scratch them away.

Then comes the tide, bringing with it the one thing you wish you could shy away from. Emotions, feelings and memories, wave after wave, they hammer against your lifeless soul until you can drown no more.

Then it pulls back... Pushes so farther in that that it looks like a speck of blue out yonder.

And you begin to wonder: "How many moons need to pass before I delve deep into the abyss of nothingness again? "

Saving Children. Saving Chelsea.

The first time I visited Save the Children, India was almost a year ago. Humbling the experience it may have been, but the learning that experience taught will stay a lifetime.

On 26 June, about 20 of us from PwC India (Mumbai office) once again spent four hours with the kids from Save the Children. Located in the posh Bandra Kurla Complex (BKC) area, there's something which is really uplifting. NGOs today receive much deserved funding to do quality work and service and you can see that in the eyes of these kids.

We were broken into groups which had equal number of kids divided between us. We spent two hours drawing and colouring and another hour playing antakshari and another hour judging some of the brilliant canvases I have seen in a long long time.

So what Save the Children does is they have huge boards on the walls of each floor and every six months groups of students are given topics which have to be visualised on the board. In short, make that plain board come to life. With the help of their teachers and I'm assuming counsellors too, I could see a tremendous amount of love, effort, research and dedication displayed on each canvas.

The marvel of it all - the excitement of the kids, teachers, support staff, principal - everyone celebrating a job well done,

Special mention must be made of their friends aka teachers. These wonderful people create such a warm environment for them to study, compete and grow in, that sometimes I feel they're excelling way more than what I did back in my day.

My take home: I was lost for four hours. Happily lost. Felt a huge lump when I had to leave. You keep wanting to be around people and places that leave you mesmerised, no? I just feel sometimes I'm such a coward that I didn't pursue what could have also been a very fulfilling life with these children. I mean they bonded with me. Open arms, kisses, gentlemen kind of hand shakes, and those big smiles and the biggest deal breaker of them all - their own beautiful world filled with the sounds of silence. I felt so left out. I really wanted to be part of that world.

Ever since my interactions with the banana cartwalla at Bandra Station, I've been meaning to make some efforts to learn sign language. I tried Googling a little bit at the NGO, but I know it would be a brilliant skill to learn. So adding that to the bucket list (:  

When life is rife with solitude…

The road is long and dark, Lord

And I need a friend,

My strength is failing Lord,

I need a helping hand

When my steps falter, Lord

You take control,

When my heart trembles Lord,

It’s your hand I’ll hold

In my darkness, Lord

You be the light

When my mind grows dull,

Be the North Star in my night

In times when I cannot speak

You be my song

And when my sleep has dried

Lie me down in your arms

I know I’ll be alright

When you take the wheel

Let there always be more of you in my life, Lord,
And less of me.

The road may be long and dark, Lord

I won’t have to walk alone,

My strength may be failing Lord,

Then it’s your hand I’ll hold.
~This moving piece was written keeping me in mind, by my colleague and co-conspirator, Roxanna Pinto aka Foxanna aka Rox.
Merci beaucoup!

Monster You Made Me ~Pop Evil

Take a good look at me now

Do you still recognize me?

Am I so different inside?

This world is trying to change me

And I admit I don't want to change with it

And I admit I can't go on like this anymore

Erase this monster I've become

Forgive me for all the damage done

It's not over

Say it's not over

I'm begging for mercy

I'm only the monster you made me

I'm better alone now

See I'm torn from my mistakes

And I stopped believing that I could ever make things change

How much can I take

When I know that it hurts you?

How long can I wait

When I can't go on like this anymore?

Erase this monster I've become

Forgive me for all the damage done

It's not over

Say it's not over

I'm begging for mercy

I'm only the monster you made me

Because who I am

Isn't who I used to be

And I'm not invincible

I'm not indestructible

I'm only human

Can't you see

The beauty in me?

Take a good look at me now

Can't you see I've changed?

Erase this monster I've become

Forgive me for all the damage done

It's not over

Say it's not over

I'm begging for mercy

I'm only the monster you made me

Far away through the pain

I hear the angels calling

Far away through the pain

I see my demons falling

Far away through the pain

I hear the angels calling

Far away through the pain

I see my demons falling

Erase this

Erase this

Erase this monster you made me

When you're barely hanging by a thread

A lively spirited boy, took his own life today. Saw him last Sunday - cheerfully contagious in his affections that he showered on all of us with his unending wit and funnies.

Who knew, that he was fighting probably a lonely battle?
Who knew, that he was heading down this road?
Who knew, that he was barely hanging by a thread?

It's a tough life and the older you get, it gets tougher. I keep wondering - are we making a difference by being role models, are we encouraging our generation to be the best that they can be and that when they fall, so also can they rise?

I don't believe so anymore, for the more connected we have become the more lonelier it's gotten.

Somewhere on this weary road, we falter, we want to jump ship, we see ourselves as failures - as people incapable of the nothingness that we are sinking in - solo wars.

I've gone through this hell hole, there are days and nights I still do @30. While I talk about it with my besties, sometimes I feel (entirely my own feeling) that they may be tired of me going on "Erase & Rewind" mode so often.

I don't want to burden them when their own must be so hard. Yet, they hold up like pilgrims, cheerfully carrying their worries and troubles with a perpetual smile. Yet, are they not facing it as well? Why are we made to feel that it is a shame to have struggles? This world makes you believe that you're weak if you show your weakness in public.

Yet, I can't. I struggle and fail every single time.

One thing I do know, there's no shame in asking for help, in getting professionals to listen and guide you when you're faced with setbacks.

We all need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold our hand, to pat our back and say - Don't worry, things have to fall apart to make way for new and better things.

JC - please don't ever give up on me and so many of us battling to suppress the oppression that is constricting our very being. The Ninth Station is my constant reminder right now as I hold onto your cross for dear life and find comfort there. I wish he'd held onto the Wood as tightly as I do.

RIP Arnold Serrao. You are much loved - in life and in death. Will cherish my conversations with you and hope your family finds peace, courage and comfort in this sorrowful time. 

50 pilgrims go on a #LentenPilgrimage to 14 charitable institutions

Fifty two parishioners from St. Joseph's took part in the second Lenten Pilgrimage to 14 charitable institutions. The idea behind this Lenten Pilgrimage was to mark each Station of the Cross with a visit to a charitable institutions.

Our Pilgrimage began with everyone assembling at the convent on Saturday, 21 March and we left from there at 8.40 am. We began by praying the Rosary in the bus to encourage all those present to experience God's love on this faith filled journey.

Fr. Anthony gave an introduction about each charitable home that we visited. After the introduction, the Station of the Cross for that home was read out. Concluding with a hymn, we were also given a small orientation about the home by the religious order that was maintaining and looking after them. Through our interactions with the inmates we began to appreciate how blessed and fortunate we truly are.

This experience also saw many of us bonding and empathizing with people and children who are differently abled, mentally and physically challenged, from orphaned children, to leprosy patients, children with HIV, meeting the Cloister or Carmelite nuns, to meeting inmates of old age homes.

Each institution saw us witness a humbling moment, where the people looking after these inmates always having a huge smile of gratitude and acceptance for us being there. It wasn't about what we brought along with us; it was the fact that we went to visit and spend quality time with them...

That was the difference!

Pope John Paul said every Christian is a vocation promoter. Keeping these words in mind, Fr. Anthony asked all of us to pray for vocations to the religious and missions since many of them are being run by senior people and that these institutions need young blood. This beautiful Lenten recollection was organised by Fr. Anthony and the Family Cell and all of us thank them for giving us an enriching and life altering experience.

As a Parish Councillor, I encourage the families in our parish and my PPC colleagues to pick an institute during the year and encourage people to visit as a family and/ or as a community. We pray for all those who took us through this journey of love and hope more of us take this up at a family/ community level.

'Wash Me' Diaries: That's What She\He Said!

The happiest moments are what you try and remember from every vacation. When you felt wild and free and laughed until your belly button hurt.

So what did the magic hold for me this time?

The gorgeous alcesian sitting on the dio, Chetan 1 and Chetan 2... Belly dancing @ Thalassa, searching for ruch without my glasses on in the water and video recording a random stranger thinking it's XXX, dancing on the beach like mad, forget the men... checking out the ladies, going up to the jock and telling him he was cute only to be told, "this is not a rejection" fuck you A-hole, meeting people and being my friendly best, what's life without zipping around on a bike, the very pregnant snake (or was that a fat full-filling dinner?), non stop chatter chatter, the one and only... Kishore Kumar, the very soulful and jazzy Cantera, the wind in my hair, free drinks and a divine blueberry cheesecake, Philippe the K-surfing king, jiving with Morris and Robin, getting lost at U-turns, morning and evening strolls on the heavenly shores, friendly doggies, even friendlier 'gais', fighting with 'black brief' Russians, Cadbury taking me for a run, itchy thighs, dealing with a sty, breathing in purity of mind, spirit and soul, ride an hour for sausage rice, whatsapp in a bottle, the double joints, learnings from f*r*i*e*n*d*s, that's what she/he said moments, Firestone walks, aleksandra Zec - wish I'd meet you sooner, burning with the sun and sand.... Wooohhoooo!

I silenced the beast within...

Read the signs and Live your dream. Fight or Flight?

Your. Time. Is. Now.

The loneliest girl in the world VS the girl the world forgot

"Where's the good in goodbye? Where's the soul in soldiering in?" Frightened to go back. Dunno what's waiting for me out there. That's where my demon hides... But does he even recognise me anymore?

The ache comes in spasms and most of the time just consumes in totality. So difficult to fight it especially when I think about it all. I love but I don't own your love. Love needs to be given freely. If your love is who you own and vice versa, that's when you fear losing each other. That's when it all falls apart. That's when you become insecure, guarded, bitter. Love someone in their entirety but when you have the ability to walk away with your head held high, that is the purest form of happiness.

I know I'm not the loneliest girl in the world and I'm definitely not the girl the world forgot... But I'm definitely the girl the world can do without 'or' can live without.

Reminder: 2-3-4 = 6 + Guna, Ya? + Mi Award + you're being selfish + I choose xxx + WYWM to YWNM + you won't understand + don't ever disrespect me + do u wanna build a snowman + it's not possible + I have made my decision.

You were my biggest mistake, and yet my favorite lesson.

Note to self: I know that wherever my heart is, there will I find my treasure.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 10

Time to get back to the grind but not before a few learnings on this solo and yet soulful journey. Life can be as chaotic and complex as you can imagine it to be. Yet everyone must follow their own path no matter how battered and worn down it may appearsl. So, if you ever feel like you're on the edge of the unknown, find new roads, build a bridge, get off the road that seems comfortable even when you know you're way off track, look for the signs. Find a road that loves you and one that you'll love back. Don't always stick to your path. Take a detour once in a while. I promise you, it will be a journey of a lifetime. I love you. With every beat of my heart. Amen.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 9

Spoke to self. Calmness in the soul. No more battles except those to keep me sane and whole. Silence and positivity can take one far off you just remember to breathe. Don't let the sun go down on you... Even when the night is darkest. Close your eyes... And you'll see that even in the dark there is light. Free your being. With every beat of your heart. Keep smiling.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 8

Fell down, got back up. Fell again, held on to the hand offered and stood up. Fell hard one more time, no support, had to fight to get out alive. Every storm you battle will pass as long as you never give up hope. Keep fighting. Sometimes... There's just no way to hold back the tide. As Ruch said wisely: Even still waters run very deep.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 2

K-surfed my heart out. Learned a new skill... Filling my soul with new things... Trying to keep my head high and chin up. First class... Towards the end when I felt I was doing a little better, l lose concentration... Got pulled back into the past. Struggled to pull myself together and ended class on a poor note... Again and again and again. Killing me softly.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 7

When I'm happy, I can take over the world. When I'm sad, I can bring the world to its knees. That's the power of a smile. I always get what I want but it's never permanent. If I stay away it's considered a crime but I can't seem to strike a balance. Scratched the surface thoroughly and yet I'm stubborn enough to not want peace. I thrive in the chaos and misery. Pain completes me. I know what I gotta do going forward... It's just another ball game that I don't want to be indifferent.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 6

Locked up deep inside where the eye can't see or which the wind can't set free. Silence silence silence... who knows what is right and what is wrong? Who decides? Who can set me free? Where have all the flowers gone... Nightingale, sing us a song... Of a love that once belonged.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 5

Want to build a snowman in the sand... So desperately. Breathe the positivity till it consumes you in its entirety being. Fighting a lonely battle but it's best done this way. No one to bear the pain or to get any gain.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 4

Focussing on staying positive. Keeping the mind as blank as I can. Pinching helps. Smiling and laughing with random strangers makes my heart skip an erratic beat... Makes you feel lighter. Trying to be happy again. Not an easy task since I am determined to be my miserable best. Staying away from trouble but trouble always follows. So scared of showing my personality. It's always, all 'fucking' ways, taken as a double entrée. Try as I might, I can't get people to stay the fuck away from me. Don't wanna get into trouble again. Better off alone. Learned that, it's easier to run away. Battered. Beaten. Broken. Signing off... The loneliest girl in the world.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 3

Ruch comforts me... Like no other. XXX presence is like a balm on my withered mind and soul. Trying to keep pace with XXX zest for life does get infectious. Can't stop thanking the Man above for sending XXX into my life. XXX keeps me grounded... like Danda and Chintukli. Desperately aiming to get into a comfortably numb zone. Can't get zonaed for some reason... One month to date. Tick tock. Silence the clock. Please forget.

'Wash Me' Diaries: Day 1

After landing realised may be this wasn't the place to be on holiday... Couples paradise. fuck. never felt lonelier. Oh wait I have. All the fucking time. First sight of the beach... In love. Silence all around me. Good to be among foreigners. I can disappear in the lonely silence. Sleep is a nightmare.

2015... What additional baggage does thou bring?

I'm starting the new year on a very defeated note. My smile is worse than a Barbie fix, there is plenty of sadness in the soul for those that see clearly, there is fear of the never ending and always topical "when are you getting married" debate, fatigue evident in every pore in my being, a blank and hopeless desperation that I'm starting to submerge myself into again.

Next steps? I don't know them myself. I don't know anything or anyone. I don't want anything or anyone. I don't need anything or anyone.

The secret is how to die... Before 30. Because that, very honestly, is all I need from this life. I need my subconscious to be on a holiday... For eternity.

A couple of people are trying to pep me up with kindness, anger, love, charity... Whatever you'd like to describe it as. But the truth is, I'm unable to accept the things they say about me. I'm unable to even for a second believe them, especially when I don't even believe in myself and what I am capable of anymore.

I know I've said this a few times over the last year but I am not just defeated; even my spirit has let go. It isn't about faith in God above, it's the inability to see faith in myself. This is what is killing.

As I scribble these random musings at 12 midnight as I wait to board my flight back home, all I can think of is: Hide me in the hollow of your loving hands, where the bow may not pursue, nor the traitor stand.

As the year ends, a few Christmas musings

While it's the season to be jolly, I just wanted to remind myself and you as well on the finer aspects of what Christmas really stands for. Something I love encouraging my friends from other faiths is to say the word Christmas and not Xmas. You can't remove Christ (aka Jesus) out of Christmas because the holiday season would be incomplete without him. So I encourage you to take time out (take another second or two) when you wish people a Merry Christmas to type out the whole word and give meaning to this season of peace.

Below is a small composition from me, for you and your family.

It's the time to pray and reflect
On how each of our decisions affect.

It's the time to be noble and kind
To make peace with those who've left us behind.

It's the time for sharing and giving
More than the gifts, cast your eyes towards those less deserving.

It's the time for hope, especially for those who have none
When all seems lost, remember - you're not yet done.

It's the time for peace to reign in our hearts
For our children, but more so for the storm to pass.

Don't wait for life and situations to worsen
Have faith and you'll witness God through another person.

Have a Christ filled Christmas and a Blessed 2015!